Life looks up...

 When you own your decisions. Before that- you m(t)ake them. 

Bad relationship? Call out. And take a break. Give it time and space. 

Toxicity at work? Look for another job. Loyalty at workplace has no points in today's day and age.

Someone cheated(on) you? It's difficult. But remember it's never you. 

Life moves on. Shadows will always remain shadows but you have to keep walking. Based on the time of the day- your shadow changes it's direction. It has nothing to do with you. Point is- time is transient.

Time of my life

 There comes a time when you start writing love letters to yourself. As in self. As in- I write letters to myself. Just to tell myself that I exist. I remind myself.  :-)

So Dearest- We love you to moon and back. You are me! :-) :-)

Life gets really tough...

 I was on the verge of taking myself off the ventilator in Aug. There was no motivation to continue. My health deteriorated and I didn't feel I had any right to live. I felt grateful and yet- I struggled to understand the pattern of my life. The failures and the misses that kept hitting me one after the other. Personally and professionally. 

I was battered. I am no victim. And yet- I had no more will to fight. For or with anything/anyone. And yet- I decided I will continue to live on the ventilator- well I could afford one for some more time and if anyway- I wanted it to cut, I might as well do it some other day. 

That's hope. Hope that my life and my dreams that I once upon a time had will have a chance to come true despite the difficult times. 

I am running out of it now. I have nothing to speak about. My brain has nothing to think about. All I see is fracas around me. Despite the gratitude. Tonight I shall still fight hoping tomorrow is brighter. Brighter what? Or brighter how- I know not.

Breathe. In.... Out.... That's the lumpen I am. 

Irony is when the universe decides to teach you something, it takes everything off you. You are in the deepest and the darkest and the most loneliest corners in life. And you just try and gasp in the hope that you get to breathe. In.... Out..... Soon. 

You blo*dy freak!

 Amidst the rustle of sheets, he looked intently at her and said, "imagine how good it'd be to have a kid together?"

She paused (whatever she was doing, D-Uh!) and looked at him. The pause was because she felt she finally came home.

Years later... She asked him, "Are you pregnant yet?" 

He said, "hmm". She asked him again, "Is that a yes or a no?" so she could pump her first in the air. There was a blank look and he forced himself to answer, "hmm". 

You see- the concept of home is not something that is with someone else. Home is within us. I am home.

So here's to the bloody freak in me: "Fk-er, I am home". I was always home. And the kid together???? That was just an illusion I conjured up. It never did happen. It was a lie I lived to prove to myself the concept of home. Like reality cinema. A motion picture of the mind I enacted. Complicated much?

Nay.

The nothingness of it all...

 For the first time, I feel very inconsequential and light. Like I have unraveled a secret of the universe. There was a time I held on to many things- memories, signs, gestures. Everything counted to something. In the past.

And then, something- someone died. A dream. An illusion. A piece of truth. A part of me. A memory. Or maybe just me. A concept called me in the past. When I felt I was something. When I felt I had something. Today- when circumstances come together to strip you naked- and your soul bare- you realize that something was an illusion- either that or this. And then we realize it's neither. And that's life.

What's dead- now does not exist. The question is- did it ever exist? Even for me? Life is like that you see? It will make you snap into reality. Even if you have lived for decades. It just forces you to see things for what they are. Which is that we don't even own our feelings. And everything is inconsequential.

We are just random particles participating in Brownian motion- willingly sometimes and sometimes unwillingly. 

After ages....15th June passes on.

 A few years? Or months? When time goes on a pause because work is hectic- you know things are wrong. So wrong. So. Another milestone date to remember. 15th June. 

A few things happened. My grand mother died last month. And yea- it hurts. I thought I will make use "passed on/away" but she is gone. No more. Death. Died.

Then I lost my job. That's gone too.

And now- I am just on a break. I am in no hurry to join the workforce anytime soon. I am going on a loooooong beeeeep! 

Soon. Soon.

K's world

 LKK is my Lucky charm.

I can't believe my lil one is growing up so soon! At 13, she just started her period on the 12th Sept. So many questions and so much of love!

I don't know why but I feel good about it. Like now we are equal women. Not that we weren't equal so far- but the odds are also equal now :-)