183- GMM

What can I say?

The one person apart from my great grandmother because of which my brother is alive is gone. Gone away to become a star. Gone away to give my great grand mother some happy company up there and bless us all. Most of all my brother.

And me. The more silent me.

Young kids and my aunt is survived by him. And yet. The person- he is gone. Death always leaves my gut punched. Eventually they all say life moves on. But the one thing that none of us have the balls to accept-is its' never the same.

We dont want to say that because our ego limits us from saying it. What's wrong in living for others? I shamelessly admit that I am not grieving for my uncle in the way the world does, but I am going thru my own process of grieving.

I shall remember him every day of my life. I do hope your soul rests in peace. The rest, I will take care.

182 - The girls' trippy

S and I were talking yesterday.

She is probably the only one who knows me and stuck around- in my angry and nice phases. :-) We've probably given up on each other and again got back knowing the other one was just there.

So we thought in our better phases with each other, why not a holiday? Like travel seems to have solved many problems- Zindagi na milegi dubara was an example. They eventually did find their souls. :-)

Temple trip. Temple hopping we said. We started from the Himalayas, Goa, the spiritual retreats to finally saying lets do temples to acquire and collect some punyam.

And then we started drawing the map. The equalists we both are, we filtered genders. :-). So much that, I gave up visiting Shiva- my fav god in exchange of going to the abode of goddesses.

Here we both come- the girl power... Watch out.

Kamakshi, Meenakshi and Visalakshi Ammas. :-)

Cant' wait.

181 - My time is more precious..

Phew.. Uncle!!

I understand you are older.
Maybe wiser, but I have my doubts.
Given I am magnanimous, I shall still give you the benefit of doubt.

BUT.

I wonder if I should???

Who/How can you tell anyone with so much of confidence, "My time is more precious than yours, got it?"

Sigh. Sigh.. I used to say "this person is so full of himself".. But that doesnt seem to be enough these days.

180- Hello stranger

I feel like talking. :-)

For the first time in my life, I feel the need.
My friend G will roll out laughing :-)..
The pact between us is, G and I dont do "talking". That's for losers.

We are the gods and goddesses of our time.

We dont do that "talking".

And yet strangely, today, I have this "hello stranger" moment with me.

G- you listening??? C'mon Gopa!!!!

179- Peeping Dick

Ok.. Please, please notice it's a name. Before you pervs think of the more obvious things that come to your mind, I am talking about a friend named Dick. Not the "ick" that starts with a "d" instead of "D". Get the difference?? Now, can we move on???

So this friend Dick, he is a very morose guy. Had all sorts of problems you can think of. Like, did someone say "dysfunctional"??? His family, him, his eco system, pretty much everything was it. Anyway, so we went to this place called Lake district in the UK. A very nice place where you can rent bicycles and go around. In the right season, you get a lot of light (:-)) even in the night. And in the right season, there is also a lot of flora, fauna and bird watching. (not chicks- just because it rhymes with Dick)..

Dick and I were happily chatting away about his dysfunctional other. He was half German, half English, but that's besides the point. Just imagine him having a strange slur in pronouncing "th"- almost sounds "zz". We were riding our bicycles and I see a "domestic" bird.

An FOB that I was in 2009, I shouted saying, "Dick, just see the cock"... And Dick, poor Dick. Dysfunctional Dick. Gave me a really strange look and  that felt like he was swallowing a whole cock in his throat- the one that I just saw. He told me, "my dear, it is a rooster."

The gult land that I come from, proudly calls all roosters, "cocks". I wonder why dysfunctional Dick got affected with his namesake!!!!!! :-) :-)

178- What's in a name????

Stay hungry, stay foolish. But stay foolish, then stay angry too..

Vinoo, one of my best friends from the past- maybe when I was in 11th standard, once gave me a lot of gyan about frequency matching between two genders and how "louve" can happen..

I still look back and smile because I thought it was mumbo jumbo that we should most definitely stay away from. And true to my own word, I have never strayed from it.

Few things in my head are HUGE. Like some of the values I follow- they are huge. Vinoo told me it's very romantic to change your name for the other person. I stayed away from it, esp because she said it. I remember my response to her... :-), I said, like a true equalist, "why shouldnt he change his name?"

She thumped me hard on the back (playfully) and told me, "of course he wont care".

I asked her with an ace (or so I thought!), "then why would I change?"

My ace failed terribly. She said- "of course she is louve silly! It doesnt matter who cares"

What I saw as foolishness then, I told her, if she wont catch up on her syllabus soon, then (with all the flourish of my arms) "stay hungry, stay foolish my friend!"

But she won. That Vinoo. :-) She had the last word. She said "Stay foolish, stay angry too- you!!"

177- No exceptions

I realized today.. That there are usually very little or no exceptions to my rules. :-)

No wonder I am told I am an angry person.

Point is if you are a control freak, it is very easy to be an angry soul. Most of the things you tend to control will anyway never fall into place. It is Murphy's law.

So, why did I say no exceptions? I made an exception. I made an exception that especially shows that it is not me.

A big secret. I trusted. (pssst.. psst!!!(.. Who does it right? I mean a babe whose ears are still wet wouldnt do it in these days. And yet, I did it.

Someone told me I was stupid. I resisted. And then dawned- the realization. I am my own person. Nobody, and read my lips- NOBODY other than you will respect your privacy.

Fk, I sound like a juvenile teen. :-), and heck, today I feel like one. Only difference is as a teenger, I never did have these "teen" problems. Late bloomer, I say!!! 

176- Proud of me, baby!

Oh yea, atleast I gave in to the lost inches. (around the waist silly!)

It took me 8 months to get here. Although what I lost is not much, it is still substantial enough to make me feel proud.

Poetess in me says, war zones will not change. Only people who fight does. I stepped down. I became the king Ashoka today. I lost my inches. :-)

175- a day to remember

I dont mark days. I dont remember events by the day.
No- I dont remember the date of my daughter's first scan. Neither do I remember the first date with my husband.
I remember few days I'd like to forget. Mind playing at it's best. :-)

Today. I shall remember. I'd like to forget- and that's why I remember. I mentioned earlier. I am repeating.

Why would I remember today? A large leftover part of me is dead. Over. 

174- The lie

Her smile.. Nothing's changed.
Her lips still had the same twitch.
Alas- her eyes!!!! They didnt smile anymore.
The lips- they lie.
Eyes- they can only say the truth.

173 - Time.. The time is up

And time is a phucking healer. It's true. It took me 25 years.
It will again take another 25 years. If I am alive.

I shall be healed. Eventually. 25 years felt like 25 minutes. I remember everything.
Another 25 years will happen in a jiffy. Yes. I shall heal.