LKK is my Lucky charm.
I can't believe my lil one is growing up so soon! At 13, she just started her period on the 12th Sept. So many questions and so much of love!
I don't know why but I feel good about it. Like now we are equal women. Not that we weren't equal so far- but the odds are also equal now :-)
40 days and counting... It's supposed to be over. Like it's close to 6 weeks right? Twice the time to change the habit.
The hurt, pain and grief only increased multifold.
I am not going back. I need to love myself and if it means I cause more hurt to my self, it is still OK- at least I am inflicting it ans it is in my control. Unlike giving power to someone else to abuse.
Atleast- that's what I tell myself.
Yippee...
Things are slowly but surely changing.
I found a new role. I am excited. Old network and some good deeds help. I am grateful to people who watched my back. While there were folks who screwed my back, these are the times I am grateful. Like when I found this new role.
And yes- good deeds pay off.
I love my new office. Love my new role. Well-so far anyway!
Fingers crossed but mostly good. I am sending loads and loads of positivity and so should you...
This is the time it takes for habits to kick in/change/cancel.
Body remembers. Scars remind. And remain- happy and sad.
We are epitomes of stupidity.
We feel and believe that our love is more than enough to solve all the problems.
Is our love enough to change a man?
Never.
In the night sky, my partner has been the moon. When I say partner- I mean my lover. Moon is my lover. I said it :-)
But... today, I realized that I am just a Star. I was a super star in moon's eye. Or so I thought. But when I saw and truly looked at the night sky, I realized I was not the only one.
There were many stars that my moon had around him. I realized I was just a younger star. There were older stars. Much before me.
I am just a star to my beloved moon.
A shooting star.
Heck I am.
I am telling myself today that I am worth it.
I am. I am bloody worth it.
And I don deserve stupid treatment.
It's time I got my ego back and it's time to stop begging/pining/requesting or explaining.
I am a free girl today.
I am signing up for my life. It's a free world. Free will.
I am not sucking up any ass.
I have been told:
Contextually I am "uninterested, unwilling and/or non committed" to let's say a problem statement.
And then contextually, I am "intrusive and controversial".
And then in the past- "abusive, manipulative"
And then- some more- indulging in "smear campaigns" on people. Where I have lightly used very careless words and judgments about someone. In public forums.
All of this is contextual.
I feel I dont even know who I am. Am I this person?
What happened to this fool who fell in love with the moon?
Women are suckers.
They expect things that are otherwise taken for granted. Actually should be taken for granted. Not like entitlement- but as equal partners in the relationship.
I have views.
An equal relationship means- certain boundaries are mutual (this is coming from a person who said she doesnt care about boundaries). There was a certain beauty and charm to that person in the past. But now- I will not only define my boundaries- I shall also expect that other person to state and sign off on those boundaries.
An equal relationship means- treating the other person by atleast your average bar of good behaviour. Not that there's a below average relationship rules for you and other set of rules which look better to others.
An equal relationship means- being secure and transparent and fair to the other person. If you know I am a monogamous player- dont play with my mind. Those games are not going to go down well. Being intentionally ambiguous to the other person just because you are uncomfortable- makes me feel like only you are in this relationship.
Heck- I could go on. So... women are suckers. We need a man to make us happier.
But men- they dont really need women. If they are available- it's great. If they are not- well- that's ok too.
An equal relationship- lastly, means that both the partners are in the game together. They feel the same way about each other and they understand each other and their reactions and they help each of them get better by being around for them. Not by constantly criticising them.
So... I played both the sides. I am not the victim here. I have been the abusive partner. But- I dont know how to get better. Heck- I beat myself up for a long time. Now- I am just going to give up. It is easier.
I give up. I am done.
Sometimes we have to pay a price to see for ourselves, who we really are.
Many people tell us how we are. But.. do we have the ability to filter the feedback?
I dont. I grew up trying to satisfy my dad and get him to tell me, "I am good" about something.
It takes a lifetime to know that my dad's never going to say it. Infact he will only keep giving me critical feedback because that's who he is.
He is always critical of me. He thinks this will help me become better. One day- I will see all the flaws of my dad without the blindspots.
On that day- I will look my dad in the eye and tell him, "Fk off".
Yea- I did it today.
I feel good about it. In a strange sense- I feel relieved. That I dont have to run the race of impressing him anymore.
The race is over. I dont care what he thinks of me. I dont care who wins. I dont care. Period.
Off writing to writing off...
The journey begins again.
Falters. But yea- will trudge along.
Within all of us I believe, exists.
A hint of rebellion that comes in- at workplace for that boss- where all of us want to stand up to.. And couldnt do.
At home- when you want to stand up against your parents, or spouse.
At random places one earth when you see something that is against your values- you always want to rebel.
You want to stand up for the supposed victim and ensure justice prevails. That's what it is when people stand on roads with candles for rape victims.
That's what happens when you see red flags on the road for uplifting poor with benefits.
To equalize that goal.
And yet- there's only one goalie that we all look towards. The one.
No no.. not to get laid :-)
We end up, as an example, having a life together for a decade- and yet we make no plans.
Lots of past. Little present. No future. Plans I mean.
Another decade is rolling by.
We are not alive forever. Its now or never.
I doubt..
Sometimes- the sweet anticipation crawls into anxiety. And then cancer.
We dont control anything in this universe.
Not even our hearts.
Not even mine.
So.. I consider myself super fortunate. I have seen some of the best times of my life so far.
I feel very blessed for these times.
But I also know that my time on earth is limited.
I have also seen some of the worst times.
Sometimes, I wonder- if I was fortunate indeed?
Some days- I feel, I should just have times. That are slow. That's it. Not good or bad.
Just there.
I figured.. of all the carrots that the spouses/partners and the bosses throw at you- one interesting carrot is playing around what you want.
Let;s say you really need a house.
Bosses will keep throwing house carrots at you- "slog now and you might just get that bonus in the coming year". And you get suckered. Possibility- nil.
Partners could probably say- "honey, focus on the now. who knows when we can get that house- maybe in an year or so- but no one can predict". Probability- almost 0.
I mean 100% marks for logic.
But my head? Between all the carrot dangled at me- I am sipping mango juice. Without sugar. And with lots of ice.
As he was sipping on his coffee, I said, "I am in love".
He spluttered. sputtered. And then stuttered. And asked, "What did you say?"
"I said I am in louve, my boy"..
He continued sipping his coffee......
She was still grinning. At 70, life was fun.
Today was tough.
Like cough up blood kinda tough.
Breathlessness and anxiety keeps me awake.
But life did slide a lot more today.
I lost friend(s), job and monies.
I lost sleep, and health.
I am still alive. And yet- I wonder why?
I need to clean up the blood.
I am trying to see the moon today- and it has only been a cloudy night.
Has been for a long time. Or so it feels.
One day- my moon will come. It will.
:-)
I am smiling. I am the sucker type. Which means I pray to every goddamn thing in this universe. To a stone on the roadside to that tree which looks weird. Everything is god. And everything else around me is capable of giving me what I want. Except that I dont have that faith in myself.
yea- you read it right. I will have faith in everything else around me except myself.
I am not praying to my nemesis too. On an hourly basis.
You are asking me what I am praying for??? That too to my nemesis?
:-):-)
Not dark.
Not like an end.
It looks like fear.
Fear that it goes down further low.
What goes on comes around.. So on.. So on..
Today- it is funny. I swore I wont talk to a few people way back around 7 years ago. And today- I had to talk to each of them in trying circumstances.
Someone upstairs is hopefully finding this amusing. Atleast I hope.
So... yea- never say never.
I try!
So I lost my job, love, health, wealth and will- all of them, this month.
Yea- I am positive :-)
When there's nothing else to lose, there is a very strange sense of peace that prevails.
I love it!
I love the bus rides that sometimes dont go to the place you wanted to go.
Or the flights that were wrongly booked. You wanted to go to London- and you accidentally ended up booking for the US? Well hell babes- that's what I want :-)
Sometimes- life does make emptiness sound exciting.
I love the plum cake.. Nuts soaked in the rum for 3 months.. yumm.... And when you take the first bite- not too sweet. A little sharp. A lil bitter. And then a burst of sour flavor of the plums...
Today.. I miss my friend. And the christmas cake.
And the evil laughter. The banter. Another era.
Another lifetime. I say.
I try and count my blessings now.... On days like this esp... On a very sunny and a very hot Chennai afty, all I can think of is look at the sea coast and get lost in my spirals.
I am not god. I am, but a mere human being. I make mistakes. I try and trust again. I swear.
But life isnt getting any simpler. I am not growing old wiser. There's a gap.
I cant but see my scars magnified. All I see- they are the flaws. I am truly lost in my layers.
Am I so terrible a human being? Isnt there no goodness left over? Within me and outside of me? In the universe?
Show me. I want to hope.
That it will rain soon.
The pain is real. But heck, that's not the thing.
When you think of the moon and keep wondering if people are seeing the same moon- you know you lost it.
And suddenly when you gasp for breath, you realize that your body actually forgot to breathe for sometime.
And the gasping breath- it stinks.
I know what I am doing. And why I am doing it.
I do. :-)
I will do it despite everything else. And I will drop it despite everything.
So there.
I am out. I am out..... Who's in town, I say? Let's paint it off red. Every single day.
We all live our entire lifetime- most times, in an illusion we create about ourselves.
A perception we hold about ourselves- about how we are.
Then.. one day, there comes a person/people who show us the mirror. And we on that day, we are forced to see ourselves. And all the ugly glory.
On the day... sometimes, it feels like we shouldnt have met these people who show us the mirror. Atleast death would have been peaceful.
But..... what you see, cannot be unseen. For the rest of our lives, we live with this ugly glory. And wonder what to do with it.
Are the people who us the truth about ourselves, our guardian angels?
Sometimes it's so funny. Life I mean.
Like someone around is still capable of laughing at us despite all the tears.
When we want to purge memories- things that are related to these memories keep popping up all the time. And you wonder- who is playing the cosmic joke.
Like... I wanted to forget moon. For all the stories that happened under the moon's watch. And yet- the smiling and shining moon keeps coming into my face from up there.
How's one supposed to purge? Them memories I mean?
Moon doesnt belong to the universe. No sir. :-)
In my lunatic head- my relationship with moon is very personal and private and monopolistic.
Heck yea- moon is mine. My moon face also knows this.
I am the one fool on this earth who will look for the moon daily to see which part of the sky it dwells on on that day. No matter what the size is :-)... Size doesnt matter with my moon face.
And on the new moon days..... I miss my moon terribly. Those days- is the space day. Like he will rest and come back for me in a fresh and happier form. All on a reset.
Just that- these days the nights are cloudy. Rainy season is very grim. The dark clouds dont let my moon face appear.
New moon gave me hope that my moon would re-appear the next day.
But the clouds? They just hide him. I know he is around and yet I cant see him.
Can he?
No.. Unfortunately the post has nothing to do with the title.
I was talking to a dear friend- who said she was off to Europe to nurse her broken heart.
Europe is actually romantic and I had half a heart to tell her she chose the wrong place. And only realized she finished all her bookings.
So.....
speaking of broken hearts- hers is not the only one. It seems to be a season where the pieces are ripe for picking. Of hearts, I mean.
I knew you were there..
Before you were there.
I knew you were there....
After you were there.
I know. You.
Someone gave me gyan on Friday- that women become clingy and needy in a relationship. And that's a big turn off for men.
Like that last nail on my coffin- it came with a resounding thud.
So.. clingy and needy huh?? :-)
Better luck next time- my dear friendly readers. There's no next time for me.
I am exhausted.
The long wails are heart wrenching. And gut too.
I thought I was imagining. But it is true. The pillow was wet.
And I lost my sleep.
I lost interest in whatever little I used to write about earlier.
I know I am not a great writer. But someone told me that I should keep writing. Even if it's bad quality. That consistency is more important to generate some good quality writing.
I kept at it. On this blog. mostly atleast.
Someone dear told me I give my state of mind away in my blogs. I didnt feel like writing after that.
I was angry. I was putting myself out here- with honesty. It doesnt matter if it is indeed my state of mind. I want to attempt to keep writing. Even if it's bad quality shit.
Who says, state of mind is bad anyway?
Today- someone told me that I am a very strong woman and that I am very balanced (yea- well :-)).
They had a few kind words to say. About me. (I mean...... :-))
I should be happy, no?
Instead- I got out very confused. Am I?
Am I all that they said about me?
Well- the answer lies closer home.
This month has been a very hectic work month. And personally an exhausting month. I think it is equivalent to the pain that you would feel when you have a heart break. Multiply by 2 :)...
I am kicking butts at work. I got a huge raise.. I got a great promo... I am really ready to take on the world. Yea- I am working harder than ever. Learning more than ever.
When life hits pits- you basically try and re-arrange the better parts and move on.
I packed my bags and now moving on... Moving out.
Life's cool.
I do hope one day- you read all this- my dearest daughter.
You'd know the ups and downs of amma's life. I hope you would understand some of her behavioral patterns better.
Is this to evade an apology for bad behavior? Heck no. Sometimes amma is terrible at explaining things.
She writes them so you can read them at your leisure one day to understand her context.
On that day you read- if you do- pls remember that there were many beautiful things she wanted to share many times but she held back many times.
You see- amma lacks a lot of courage. In her own way- she really loves you to moon and back.
Grow up soon- so you read all of this.
These are important enough ... Common interests and shared likes and dislikes- are great conversations.
Do you see the effort to make it up? I am trying to bridge the gap.
Would we see it that way?
We all have strange ways of making up to our fk-ups. I tried. And am trying really hard.
I am also holding on to a very tiny sliver of hope... A very thin and delicate thread. It's going to snap any moment. I know it. Would books or music hold it, do you think?
I was a strong person- physically I mean. Mentally tho.... :-) lesser said, the better...
Key word being "past".
I intend to bounce back this year fitter and stronger and leaner (and definitely meaner)...
Why? I have BP and heart issues at the beginning stages. Both of which I want to beat by not eating medicines. Solution?? Well- the doc said take the slow but definite and steady route towards reversing it. Beginning stages- so could be possible. I decided to take the bet.
In my 2 week journey so far- My BP finally touched 125/85 yday. (A low in many many months now). I was diagnosed at 145/95. I lost about a kilo from a fortnight. I am stronger in the sense- I am now able to take two flights of stairs without sweating or feeling like I am having a cardiac arrest. And what else?? I can lift my suitcase instead of carrying it. :-)
I joined back my strength class and I love the "School of Strong". No onle else except Parn understands beaten bodies and how to get them better. Absolutely.
I have a long and a slow journey of solitude and fitness ahead. I have no other choice than taking it. So.. here I am :-)
PS- Week 1 was excruciating.. My body went thru all sorts of things. I was dreaming of food and wondered if it was all worth it.
PPS- Wee 2 was a bit more kinder where both body and mind slowly is getting accustomed to the rigour.
Emotions drive emotions. I am an anxious person sometimes. I often thought it was because of my insecurities.
But behind that lies fear and helplessness.
Sometimes - there are thoughts and feelings that is not easy to share with anyone else. Maybe- because we feel we need to protect ourselves or the people around us... Maybe because we dont find acceptance in this world... Maybe because we dont feel belonged.
Many reasons. On some days... I wonder who I am protecting and why?
The only person I need to take care of is just myself. And I am a person who usually loves the edges. And yet.... I am helpless today. And scared of the world around me.
A conversation... A hug. Just some presence around me- even if it's silence.... Just a signal that I am not alone.....
I look at the sky in hope that one day- Into each life, some rain must fall.
On that day- I shall talk. And listen. Stories of ourselves. And Us.
My dearest daughter Gayathri,
You are my sweetest and the most blessed daughter that universe gifted to me. I got this at a time when I didnt even know I needed you.
But your gurgles, energies, silences, anger, the laughter- esp the laughter when you throw your head back and guffaw (that you so very rarely do)- made it very hard not to fall in love with you.
Like every mother and daughter- we have our share of happiness and fights. I wonder, dearest, if you would see that too. I often ponder- philosophically and spiritually- that there must be something you and i should learn out of this relationship. I wonder what it is?
The first time I saw you, my baby, you looked at me intently. For me- there was a sense of belongingness and recognition that I know you far too much already. After all- you were me.
You do know right? Amma doesnt eat without thinking of you. Doesnt sleep without wondering if you slept too. That she worries to death when you fall sick. Waits for you to come home so she is at home with herself.
Only lil girls, Gayathri can change life. And perspective.
As you grow up- you are becoming more and more busy with your life and your world.
But hey- come back home soon. Amma is wilting. She misses you too much.
With truck loads of love,
Amma.
I want to make an album... Actually many photo albums clicked by like minded photographer community.
I have 2 big ideas I want to work on...
1. Bharatanatyam photography.. Natural dancers in a calendar. With meaningful poses that tell a story.. Each month tells a story and together- the whole year tells a bigger story... Yes?? This composition is all about different shades/colors, textures and emotions....
2. Next is a wall full of shadows... :-) Photos that tell stories in greys... These pics will only have shadows and nothing else.. But the shadows completely tell their stories in a ark and hushed manner. This will be poetic.. Like all they have to do is step into light and magic happens. In darkness - they have more intense stories to say that cant be told otherwise... What's lurking in these shadows?
So... my concept is around shades and shadows. I cant wait.
I do.
I cry loads. Truck loads. Not just sniffles. But big sobs.
That come from my stomach.
So yea- when something really mushy or sweet happens.. I end up with tears.
So- when I am in louuve, I weep off :-) :-)
After aeons- I smiled today so naturally... Like an involuntary smile that just didnt stop for a long time...
Why? :-) :-)
I heard a very very beautiful violin bit- a very small duet that the daughter played today. And no- it;s not because the daughter played. No No No :-) (well maybe a bit...), but it was because the bit was sooooo freaking amazing.. Like 2 violins talking to each other...
It was not like L Sub's conversations.... But this was like a quick coffee that the 2 violins had :-)
Maybe these are the moments I want more.
Yea- you read it right.I mean- I have no idea if they go well together, but I can assure you, that the coffee in me is the right mix for the rum in you.
I somehow feel you are an old rum. :-)
Wonder why? Like that old monk :-) :-)
Come let's mix it and live it up. I am waiting.
I yearn for you.
But arent you a part of me?
How can I miss something that's so deeply fundamental to me?
Like a part of my DNA...
I was walking past the airport in Chennai today to catch the flight that Vistara flew to Mumbai. I couldnt but think of the way we rang in my birthday.
I wonder.... Where did it go wrong?
Hell yeah- terrible one though.
Does one become a writer when they write something? Or when someone reads something?
I have a pretty lonely page here. I keep thinking it is OK when people dont read much of my discrete blog. But... I realized that even the nearest and the dearest ones dont care enough.
I always went back to someone very close to show off something that I must have written as a kid or even as an adult. Actually- I sent a few posts from here where I felt I have done a damn good job (:-)) to a few friends.
I doubt if they read it. But.. it puzzles me. I must be a terrible writer when no one is attracted to the writer in me. No one comes back to read what I write- are people not curious anymore even about people?
Does it not matter what I think or feel in this world? What a strange place we have become.
We read and follow people who can write concisely n less than 150 characters. But we lost our ability to appreciate a medium form.
What a wonderful world!
Amidst tears- I write this.
With all the drama- that only I can understand.
I dont feel good. I have a feeling i screwed up beyond redemption.
I dont know the crime. I dont understand it fully.
But I know there's war.
Anywa- war or not- I am dead. I am tired fighting this out.
I feel angry.. Like a rage building up. And I am not able to calm the embers. It bothers me far too deeply. The surge of energy that I am unable to handle.
These are the moments that I think people feel like jumping off a bridge. This anger.... how does it dissipate?
For a vegetarian like me- I feel like chomping meat. Like tearing muscle after muscle and swallow red meat.
I am after blood.
If I stay alive for today..... I think I will handle tomo better.
I think freedom is a very dangerous thing. Sometimes- there is joy an happiness in ties- when we dont realize the ties.
Bond is a beautiful thing surely?
Can love and freedom be used in the same context? I wonder..... I truly wonder if both these entities can be used in the same side of the battle when lines are drawn.
Do I want to be free? Do I want to walk away for my freedom? Is this the freedom that can make me happy?
Does freedom always mean happiness? Does it ever mean happiness? Neither the process nor the outcome....
Why do we fight for it?
You are me.
I am you.
I miss me loads.
Everything that I see and feel- every breath, it reminds me of you.
How do I make me me.. and let go off the you?
I am cursed. I am you. And you are me.
I struggle with clarity. Most times.
I have been thinking very hard about what makes me come to this state every now and then in life- across situations. Like- work, decisions at work, how to not be scared when people yell or behave badly. And so on.
Point is- internally- I know what I want. The challenge is communicating effectively. To push back when people come all over you- literally and figuratively.
We grow up with so much of conditioning that we be like-able and good. To the extent of doing ourselves self harm. Is that warranted? Why should "nice" come at a cost?
Point is not about lack of clarity. Point is about not being nice. And that is OK. I keep telling myself that- all day, these days.
Yea yea- I know... If there's a man reading this, you'd go, "what a sexist" or "there goes another male basher".. or "you are generalizing".
So.. if you dont fit the bill as written by me- then you need to write in to me. We should do a coffee date. :-) So there.
Now.... Indian men... A very privileged and entitled species. Mother's delight. Insurance of the parents. Apple of the family's eye. A person to who a cup of coffee or a glass of water will land in their hands- without even asking. I mean- the telepathy is fantastic. Imagine- you are thinking of water and a glass of water lands in your palm...That's the first sign.
A person who grows up to 10 or even 15 (if not more) without ever holding a broom. Or a mop cloth. Or make something for themselves. Usually. So life skills are a choice for them. Really. Because- if they dont choose to learn, then it's OK- we will get the poor boy married and she will take the slack.
Let's talk about emotional balance. Actually let's not. It is a far cry from where we are. They are all over the place.We basically feed their ego- spoil them to bits and then leave them on the road to work or live their life. Result: It's terrible. Imagine you have to deal with a collective ego of men at one place? Yea. THAT.
So-how do they live (off) their life? They depend heavily on people around them (now- that's OK- nothing wrong). It is off when they dont know or are aware of the fact the people around them are 'helping' them and not dancing to these men's tunes. It's the feeling that it is their right that people do what ideally should be done by themselves. That is my problem.
Let's pause. In India- even if you consider yourselves as a liberated male species- and if you choose to turn a blind eye to the privilege you are born with (whether you like it or not)- if you dont recognize that the privilege is coming at a cost to the women in this country- you need to pause.
Yea- it;s a problem. You are making life difficult naturally by just being born into a family as a boy.
Another pause: If you are raising a boy- it's high time you tell him to start holding a broom, learn to cook, clean the toilet, wash the sink after spitting (properly), and more importantly dont expect "raja beta" will be there forever. If the kid is marrying- he will be a husband, not gain another mother.
You guys dont have to take care of women. I mean- no one needs to go that far. Just feel and be responsible for yourselves.
It is all internal. Our feelings manifesting into our thoughts... And then forming illusions out of these feelings. This is love.
The other person is just happenstance. I think.
The days are filled with darkness.
And the nights? They are pregnant with silence.
What's common between day and night you ask?
The feeling that my heart is being squeezed like a piece of lemon.
Like a bit of me dies every single moment.
Another year. Another century.. Atleast the last year has been a year that buzzed super fast and yet felt like a century full of pain and suffering - all packed in one year.
Life feels like a game. Every year- it feels like I am playing a new level- additional complexity. I wonder when can I rest and call it quits.
Many months later, today I login to FB.
I have a photographer friend who posted a few pics ... And one of our friends commented. For a sec, I thought it was written - "beautiful dick" and I did a double take- what was written was "beautiful click".. :-) :-)
Yea- I am still laughing.
I met a dear friend today who happens to be an astrologer.
She told me my Rahu (not Rahul baba :-)) phase was running and that it is a phase marked by illusions. It is going to end by Aug this year. I can sure feel that it is going to end soon too. Just by the way situations keep manifesting in life for me currently- I can see my illusions are going to end with a great thud. If it has not already ended ;-)
She had an insight to share- that during Rahu- we feel conflicted, we feel like we are pushing boundaries, we feel like we dont have clarity, we feel like rebelling, we feel like breaking the usual social code and so on.. All of which is true so far.
So here's to hoping that my vanavasam ends soon.
To fresh and new beginnings sans baggage.
On second thoughts, maybe I will write a bit about illusions... Like we feel we are sorted. Or we are in louve.. Or that we are in a constant push-pull about situations at work (or personal life), our relationships... or like we are in constant war with ourselves...
The fact that the phase will soon end makes me feel positive about my life suddenly. Maybe new beginnings will turn out better. I do wish that this time around I can kiss the sky..
Really?
I want to come home to comfort, warmth and familiarity.
A hot kiss and a cold beer. Nah- Just saying :-)
I want cuddles, the mush and the banter.
On most days- I want to shed stress at the main door and walk in to a haven that's ours.
Yea- I am a die hard romantic. Do you remember the chats we had on our imaginary babies?
That's a reality.
I am having very difficult days. I said it. I wish there were abundance of love. I said it again.
I just need to be home. A home filled with our dreams. Ourselves. Our children. Our family. That's it. That's all I want.
And on a day that I feel was Friday last week. I cant remember. Actually, I dont want to remember.
It is very strange that people always feel that they can shoot at other people- physically, mentally or otherwise. Like it is their right and they are entitled to use some of their bullets.
Is it appropriate? To be asked if, "I would spend some quality hours in a hotel room tonight?"... And not just stop there?
The first line broke my sanity and composure. The next........ Well it broke many boundaries.
And why dont we talk about it to anyone? We cant. We just CANNOT. The scars- they dont fade.
Why am I writing this? It is important for me to record another event in my life for posterity. Somethings post this are going to change drastically.
It's not really with the intent that people will read it. Or that they will chat with me on this. Unfortunately or fortunately my blog is not easily discoverable (by intent).
I write for me to read it after a few years. Like I am doing so now. I read a few posts today from 2015. Shows me.... Makes me see who I was then. And who I am now.
The current context in my life is not great. I said it. I have only screwed up relationships. Not very great across the spectrum. I was lighter in 2015... And I think I had more clarity then than now. Good or bad- I might not agree with the clarity itself. But I sure did know what I wanted then.
Today- I struggle to articulate what I want. I am not sure. I really feel lost. Maybe the answer is close to what sounds like "nothing".
Over the past few years- I have become a narcissist. I think I gas light chats or contexts. I screw up and play stupid mind games with people. Oh- and I think I am very averse to chats where I am being opposed or- there is a view that does not endorse my POV. If this is all true (and it is true)- I feel terrified what else I will become.
I ran for a 10 KM today. After a long time...Like I wanted to kill myself running. Running away from life. Away from people. Away from being who I am. I ran hard. I ran till I dropped down. I ran till I broke down.
My life seemed linear enough in 2015. What changed in the last few years? Where did I lose my bearings? Why did I end up like this? I feel like a social pariah to myself.
Who am I?
We were sitting on a table that had a view of the broken bridge... i was sipping on my watermelon juice- you know how much I love one of those in the mornings?
As i was gazing at the bridge - you looked intently at me and asked me: "So, do you love me?"
I looked at you first and then looked at the broken bridge... thought for a moment...
And then said:
"When the tide is high, and the moon shines
The mid summer nights and the summer rains,
the easterly winds..
when Jupiter takes over my fourth house
And Saturn stays in your 6th house
When it's time to harvest the paddy crop,
It's Saturday and Sunday..
And Monday and Wednesday
When sun goes up and throws a 11 'o' clock angled shadow
When I dont have headache but have heartache
When you are laughing and I am brooding...
When we are in the confines of 4 walls..- yea that's important,
And when it's just the two of us.......
yea- that's when I love you."
When I answered, you looked a little lost.
I didnt want to ask the question. I kind of knew the answer.
You didnt like the answer and I knew I was scared of the question.
This week has been a loss of many artists.
But let's not forget K.Vishwanath. I cant write in English. No really... I respect him to the extent that unless it is in Telugu.
One day..... I will write... For him.
The other artiste is Vani Jayaram. I actually am not a great fan of her singing in a lot of songs. But... there is one song. Sruthi neevu.. Gati neevu (Swathi kiranam) along with K. Chitra.
When I am in a better state of mind to actually mourn these losses- I shall write.
It is unfair to write an incomplete dirge.
How do people resolve trauma?
It is very difficult to resolve it completely. PTSD is real.
Imagine we had a very traumatic incident. There are some people involved- directly or indirectly or both. How do you resolve this? There are million triggers.
Let me give an example. My friend went thru an abortion. She didnt want the baby. Nothing wrong. Right? But her partner wasnt there during the procedure. There was a communication gap. Different perspectives of the same incident.
Now- there is baggage she carries. He doesnt realize there was trauma.
What makes me feel very strange is that: how can someone not think this experience is traumatic unless there was a limitation or emergency? Is that limitation recognizable? Doesnt it warrant a very sincere and a heartfelt apology? At the very least? And multiple times at that? Because the trauma is that deep. And that it needs that much of reassurance.
Yea- forgetting is hard. Forgiving is harder. Point is the body has memory. It seldom forgets.
Day can be simply made beautiful.
All you need are a few rituals..
Your other half just smiling at you.. Or shows positivity and love.. By just being there- sending a lil something..
Calling you nick names.
Cook something nice...
Or just be there..
Let them know that they exist.. And that they are important enough for you.
They also live on your love.... Thrive in your love... Under your shadow of your warmth and happiness.
They wilt when it;s the same ole anger/sadness or pauses and silences full of noise.
Daily operational can be beautiful.
So.. I thought hard.
I ask people if they'd eaten.. Usually. When I meet them.
I realized that I might actually ask them all this stuff- because no one really asks me if I ever had a meal. If I'd eaten?
Show love... Go ahead and say it.. To your partners, mothers or any other female sucker friends you might have. They most definitely will get sucked into this simple charm line.
I look fwd to life. I really like it.
I love the laughter and people. My people.
But of late- the past few years... Have been difficult. I am unable to look thru me and understand why I am the way I am.
It's going to be incredible difficult but I will get to the depths of my soul... The process begun.
Home is where the heart goes into a loop.
I listen to the comforting beat that keeps tripping.
I look at the moon every single day when it presents itself. And in those days it doesnt.
I know then... That I am home. And yet I am nowhere close to the moon.
My moon. Take me home. I am tired.
As I was dwelling over my fav drink (and I wont tell you what :-)), I was thinking of our first kiss. I smiled and asked you- "do you remember?"
You looked absently at me. Thought for a few seconds and said, "no".
A piece of my heart was yours when I kissed you the first time. All of it. I knew it was safe till then.
Only after looking at you I realized, it was never with you.
For many years- I kept living in denial that I dont like the concept of marriage. I dont believe it as an institution. I thought it was hugely patriarchal and curbs freedom of a person/people.
Perhaps, a part of the stubborn and egotistical me still believes it. But in moments like these- when the sun's just going up and the world is becoming a bit more warmer, your insides begin to thaw. And those moments- you desperately feel like sharing with someone who knows you intimately enough so you dont have to explicitly say anything. They just come and join you.
Hell yea- I believe in a marriage. I believe that it is very romantic and beautiful that two people come together to promise that they are around forever- till death to us apart wala love. I also love weddings. I am a huge sucker. Maybe it is for people like me- that it is a thriving business :-)...
I would sleep on the lawn and dance away in the mist by the beach. I will drink up wine and do dirty dancing with friends and mine. Eat loads of good food. Make merry. Lots of smiles and tears. Lots of life.
There's comfort, sincerity, love, devotion, loyalty, trust, laughter, joy, tears- heck I cant write enough about it. Just the feeling that there is someone like that with you who's not elusive like your shadow wish fades when there is no light- is ethereal.
That's what it means for me. That's what marriage should be. Like be together. And have so much of love that everything else between two people that's not nice including egos vanish. There's no space for anything else but love.
I am debt free. Almost. In the physical world.
I repaid my loans- Mostly. And I dont want to take anymore.
I hope the Universe allows me to be like this. Let's see.. Fingers crossed.
The last of it will go with the proceedings of selling my scooter.
Blood money.
I have anger. Today. Rage. About letting myself fall to this place.
Hell yea- I am debt free. With a bit of death on my hands. I sold a bit of my old soul.
I hope my ego is a happy camper today.
How do you deal with loss?
How do you deal with someone's ego?
Mine? My ego?
Mine? Your ego?
Mine? You?
My scooter is gone today.
A part of Us is gone.
Things happen. New things keep replacing Us. For you.
What's left is Me.
What a dimwit I am. I wasted my life. Far too much.
Not anymore. There's me.
Mine? Me.
My queen....
My red and happy queen..
A queen who didnt see much light of the day in our kingdom- is going today.
To another home. Hopefully where they are better subjects.
I shall refuse to see you the last time. I do hope one day I bump into you somewhere (not like an accident)- but more like accidentally :-)..
Be good my friend. Many thanks for the happy moments.
You will be in good hands. They are good people. Much better than me. You shall be happy. You shall be out playing much much more. And you shall be clean and gleaming.
Goodbye.
The chapter is over.
A part of my heart and life will always be stuck here.
I say this with bittersweet-ness.
How I wish sometimes- you can take some stuff out of your life... Like you have some fresh life into your old life?
I used to love the city. I still do- albeit reluctantly. But now... I can hear the blaring noise. The crowded spaces.. The lack of pauses.
I want my peace back. I cant deal with this blast.
I always ask this question to a lot of friends..
It makes me feel like I get some insights of who the person could be based on this answer. Totally random psycho analysis ... Something to preoccupy my mind.
But.. What do I like?? I can now say it with full confidence that I am a sea person. I like it a LOT. It reminds me a lot about me.
I recently visited the mountains.. And I felt at home when I touched Mumbai. Yea- I love the sea.
My mind is draining. Faster than ever. Like I am purging big time.
Here is the thing- life looks full of possibilities.
Am I ready to convert them?
Time will tell.....
New year resolutions??
Never been a fan of them.
But I sure as hell took time out to plan my time out this year :-). So one resolution already checked.
I am learning to play Golf and I will ensure I will get pro by the end of this year... Tall order you say?? Heck no- I decided. I swam for the state and I will get back to a sport to play it more competitively.
While I may not be a pro, I decided to learn the violin. Now this is a difficult thing and I have to get used to playing it- it is different and the challenge of learning another genre of music is going to be interesting enough.
I am hoping to push the envelope definitely. I shall travel more.
Overall- I will make my life mine.
That's the call of 2023.
Hell yeah- I am intending to make something out of this year. This day. Hopefully every day.
I am praying. Not that I will not have difficulties or challenges... But that I want strength to overcome them without ranting or getting bogged down. I want to be able to resolve them with minimal impact with my daily life.
That...
