I feel this from the bottom of the hearts.
Somewhere when men were made- there was a mistake. A most definite mistake.
It reflects till today- their EQ is terrible.
Buggers lack empathy, compassion AND skills.
All they bring to the table is ego and arrogance. And their manhood.
Is when you apologize profusely for most things you do and say.
There's some freedom that's already gone.
I could kill to have a chat. Some banter.
The silence already killed by a half.
I am sure it is a great opportunity to play charades. With ourselves and with one another.
In our duet- we unite.
The toughest feeling to endure in our lives is probably estrangement (of course I am not counting cancer or any other terminal disease). Estrangement for me is extremely painful and stressful.
The tiniest of the things you see or do or hear or feel- your mind goes on a mental trip. It does indeed squeeze your heart and soul. It stirs. It moves. Everything around you suddenly feels void because you suddenly realize that there are many things that have an anecdote. A shared meaning.
On certain days- from soap that you use to the dress you wear- all of it carries some memory and that causes a heaviness. A sad feeling of comfort. That there are so many parts of the leftovers. And so many memories.
And then the voice. Even when I think of it- like now- there's nothing much to do but to feel the wetness of your cheek.
Aeons passed. And yet the ugly truth is here to stay. Grief is real. We all need space and time to mourn our losses. But the loss is not going away anytime :-). It is here to stay. It happened. And we now live with it.
I thought my friend was mad when she said it is difficult to accept loss. Her son passed away and she should know.
But knowing that my son is alive and estranged- that's a strange loss.
We are also pregnant. Our good news is called "Silence".
I am growing fatter with our silence.
I am happy that there is a part of you that's growing inside me.
5 days and counting.
A strange sense of loss prevails. There was something to gain for someone.
Balancing act of the universe, I say!
If there was one ragam you have to choose to emote love all the way... No matter how you sing it: It has to be Behag.
Straight in my list of top 20 fav ragas...
I mean- listen to ANYONE including a novice humming/singing any song in this raga- you will feel love.
Thinking of a past/present love? Tune in to Behag.
You shall smile :-) and feel. Louves ma all the way :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpoMFE5hrsc
Listen to TMK thinking of love.
I love the night sky. I love the moon. And everything the sky presents in the night. It is dramatic. There's the dance of the stars. The hide and seek of the ever restless moon. My moon.
And the intense darkness- my most fav part. The infinite darkness and expanse with no boundaries.
Here is the thing about the night skies. They are not just glorious. They are a tease.
Waxing and the waning moon constantly playing hide and seek. The stars that twinkle and keep blinking by their moods.
The clouds that just come and go when they want to. And the utter stillness of the sky/space despite the never ending motion of everything around it.
What a brilliant space to be!
Everything is in motion. And yet- neither the stars nor the moon- none of them are going to go away.
They will continue their dance and drama in an almost predictable pattern infinitely.
Just like our lives. There's not much of a difference.
I am but just one of the stars. Or sometimes the moon. Or the sky. But we are all going around each other. None of us will go away. Unless we die. Just like the death of the stars.
What a wonderful world!
On a night like this:
I cant help but ponder over a battle of views that i had with a dear friend on music.
Of course we have diverse tastes. My exposure to music is lot less than him.
And yet- when I shut my eyes and listen to what I like..... I am moved. I feel. I weep. I smile. All drama. :-) All sorts of emotions go thru me and I can experience my life much better in that moment.
Now pause.
The music he likes- I am sure that's what he feels too.
The question is... All we have to do is shut our eyes and listen to what we like. Outcomes broadly are the same I believe.
And yet- we try and tell each other why our music is better.
No art is greater than the feeling we experience.
And no artist is greater than the art itself.
That's a valuable insight I got today. I aint gonna make fun of folks who dance to the tunes of Jatin lalit I say.
I might have blogged about this brilliant movie in the past- or maybe it was just in my head.
But...
Leave Kamal's brilliant performance. Leave Andi mazhai pozhigirathu- even if it is difficult to leave :-)
But pause. A dramatic long sigh.
And listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0OpIPrAfDA
The BGM of this movie is a signature piece that's sure to raise goose bumps every fk-ing single time you listen to it.
I do wish the recording/sound quality is far better than the original- but someone pls pls listen to me and make that damn effort. It is worth it.
Where else would pantuvarali sound so divine?
Where else do you see people falling in love? Not just in the shot where MAdhavi falls in love with Kamal I say.
I fell in love too.
Well... blush blush- if you know me- you will know I have a crusshhh (blushhh) on Sikkil.
His smile and his voice.
Yato hastah- thatho drishti
Yatho dristhi- thatho manaha
Yatho manah- thatho bhaavaha
Yatho bhavah- thatho rasaha
Only when your vision, mind and expressions intersect- that sweet spot can move your emotion/you.
This is exactly what dance is supposed to do.
Natya shastra teaches interesting things. Almost tells you stuff that's otherwise obvious but is oblivious because of our lack of wisdom.
What is dance, you ask?
Kante naalanbaye geetham
Hasthe na artham pradarshayeth
Chakshubhyam darshayeth bhaavam
Paadabhyam thaalam aachareth.
When a song comes out of the throat chakra, your hands show the meaning of the lyric.
The eyes show the expression of the mood and the emotion.
And the feet- they follow a rhythm.
That's the rhythm of life. A place to engage all your senses to experience the moment.
And... this is life.
Natya shasthra is beautiful and full of wisdom.
One day...
Oru naal.
I will stop saying it.
The joke is on me. :-)
One day- I shall elope with myself.
DNI.
A symbol that many of the folks in my college connected with.
Me.
A force. Truly.
I voiced my opinions. I voiced my rage. I corrected things where it mattered.
I was not just spewing venom.
And then.... I became a slave to my salary. And lifestyle.
Today- A home and family became more important to me than my values. I said it.
I dont much believe in affirmations or stating my mission or purpose etc.I dont believe in talking about them.
But of late- I noticed that the world around me believes that these conversations help people move ahead in a bizarre way. Like be better connected to other people.
I wonder how? But here is an attempt at articulating them. What do I want from my life?
1. Dignity
2. Respect
3. Means to live- monies, home etc.
I lost dignity many a times. I lost respect for myself in my own eyes- I have been terrible at standing up and fighting for myself.
More importantly- I defend others more than myself.
I rationalize a lot of shit. That's just me. I cant live in this world otherwise.
Sometimes.... I feel these moments where past, present and future merge. Like an amalgamated moment. Yes- it is possible. Like I feel now.
I still have vivid feelings of how past felt- not like a memory but more of present. And I know this moment that I am in now- will drive the next moment which I am predicting will be exactly the same. Get the picture?
When I want to- I can carry the shadows of my past to eternity without having to change either my current or future. That curve can exist.
How peculiar we all are? We carry our lives with imagining time as a vector that is real.
It is as imaginary as our thoughts.
Shadows... They are real.
Once upon a time...
I met someone. And there were sparks every damn minute. There was no boredom or dearth of love. The space was oozing of togetherness.
Love was dark. And happy.
He died. Today it dawned. With light came the realization that life was happier when it was dark.
He died in darkness- a happy man. And I got stuck with light.
Is a strange fellow indeed. I almost feel this is what keeps the world going round and round. No really.
It makes us do funny things when we are in pain. And when we are not- we think of the pain and then do funny things all over again.
Physical wounds may sometimes heal. Atleast time makes us numb it. what remains is the memory of that pain. See what I mean??
I still remember the memory of such pain. When I was in grade 9- akin to saying fk-off, one of my teachers asked me to explicitly get out of the class. Here's the thing. In my view I have not done anything that warrants such an extreme step. And for me telling someone to fk-off is that extreme.
It is not my ego that caused pain. It is the feeling of being left out. It is the feeling of not being included. Or asked explicitly to be excluded that does it.
I still wonder what was it that went so wrong that the teacher never really even asked me the entire context.
Unsaid things will always remain unsaid. The pain of being left out?? Well- I am fking off indeed.
Sometimes- I do believe there comes a day when we do feel like going back.
Most of the times I dont. I believe that tells me how my life has been. A glimpse of it rarely makes me feel like going back. But.... These days- I feel maybe- a few points are worth re-visiting.
These U-turns give a better perspective to how we view the present.
