Ms A Roy..

I saw her movie.. :-)
No really, for those who didnt know or watch it, pls pls go and watch this movie called: In which Annie gives it those ones.

That's the name of the movie. :-)
She looks cute. The movie is way way ahead of it's times. It's way way better than 3 idiots. Infact, I have a strong feeling C Bhagat must have seen the movie and then wrote his book. And then the movie was made. So it's unfair the two parties (CB and Raju H) fight over the rights when the reality is it should give credit to the script of "In which Annie gives it those ones"....

Blocked. Blocked.

As he walked along, the shadow turned fainter. Just the inverse of his mind. The more he wanted, the little he got. The tune that he whistled faded away just like his listless energy. As he walked along, he reminisced his life. He took a quick sneak peak behind him to check if the usual demons were following him. These were unusual times. And all he had with him were usual weapons. Rusty. And lifeless.

He moved the tongue around his jaw inside as if a good stretch inside his palate would make his tongue sharper. A butter knife was far better. There was a time when his sharp tongue could give his enemies a run for their monies. There was a time when his looks could kill. In his days, he was known to be a handsome charmer.

Now? He was something of a man hag. His gait lost its' panther like prowl. His laughter lost its' hyena like howl. His moves on the chess board lost the edge. His words that he typed lost their razor sharp intellect. His stubbornness lost his partner in crime. And his sense of rightness lost him his family.

With a sharp rap to the walking stick, he tried to gauge his way another step further. He couldnt move. He tried harder. Nothing budged. In the darkness that was- he didnt know what was going on. His tired old mind was playing tricks. Was it the visible wall that was invisible in the darkness? Or was it his invisible resistance?

He realized he was finally, royally blocked. Check mate. In weariness, he turned back to re-trace but knocked himself to the invisible barrier- yet again.

This was what 6 feet under felt like. 

When life becomes difficult....

You realize that there's no one to ride along. Not even your shadow.
Darkness is such.

Mallela teeramlo sirimalle puvvu

It takes an artist to even think of a title like this. I am fortunate enough to be one among a very very few people who got the opportunity to see this movie. And what a movie! I almost didnt want it to end. Like the ice cream you still want. Like the joy of sharing the first kiss- mingled with the fear that this will be the most beautiful moment of your life that will never be repeated. Knowing that the moment is so precious- AND knowing that it will end soon.

I just wish that I never saw this movie- so I would have had the joy of watching it for the first time all over- again!

And that! That is art. That is fk-ing art. And the film maker- G V Rama Raju, take a bow. I finally recognize and realize that you are a living legend.

Sometimes everything overwhelming makes me cry. Like I could be happy- and cry. Sad and weep. Get the picture? I wept buckets after this movie. I cried unabashedly. I felt for the protagonist. I felt for me. I felt for the people. I connected. My demons also connected.

These movies make you realize that you are not alone in this world. Thanks dear earth and parents- for bringing me into this world. I have the fortune of feeling beautiful things.

College bashing...

I am giving in to my passive aggression. Here goes.
I had a bunch of posh B-school folks (read the likes of Anderson etc) approach me with an idea to be the do-er.
Their pitch to me: "blah blah blah.. blah blah blah.. you can fit into this role well (privilege for me), blah blah blah.. o btw, we are all Ivy league folks). Their pitch to me ends.
Then they tell me further- we need you to give life time commitment. Let;s play happy family. In return you will get our love and affection. And anything else tangible, let's talk when we get there...

Believe you me, I have seen so many people in the past couple of years that I have started to choose folks who I can help now. Oh, I can help. I can make the difference. And no- I am not from the Ivy league. Dont have their brains nor their monies.

You smell a hint of envy?? Yea- I agree. I envy their monies. But not their intellect.

I mean: you need to be so egotistic as to sell your college name before your name. Does it matter? This is the place where I tell you that I can recite school drop outs who did better than these jerks.

And I have enough friends and family from these dangerous schools. Trust me-- if you are 16 and still have a chance to go to these colleges/schools- pls do. Chances are that you can live off those years of hard work for the rest of your life.

And yea- I am angry.

Terrible terrible me

As I walked out of yet another mine, I wondered why do I step wrongly- why dont I play a good game of Minesweeper without getting dinged. (or donged :-))

I mean we all choose such terrible things at times in life for ourselves knowing we will fracture a few facial bones. Why?

What makes us stay in relationships where we are redundant? What makes us stay with people who dont feel we are fun or that we are capable of happy times?

I mean I wonder what makes us stay with people who think we are pressurizing them? Are relationships a thing of duress?

Dear god, I hope not.

It's terrible when I become the circus trainer. And yet- I am one. I hate myself that I have stooped so low in my life, that I have started depending on another person. And called it love. There- I said it.

Mirror mirror on the wall- who's the angriest of all?? Of course the bitter me! :-) Whatay!!!

How much is too much?

In my own South Indian style, I have to admit that we are a breed who have no clue of how to deal with boundaries. As in- we have clear ones. But ask us to go and give a welcome hug, let me tell you that it is of the most awkward ones you'll find on the street. Trust me on that.

I did my fair deal of "awkward" business. Until I decided that it wasnt me. I am happier when I am spontaneous. And when I am spontaneous, I shake hands or even do a good old "namaste". But not hugs. Warm hugs dont suit cold people :-)..

Like we'd probably be having sex with someone inside the darkness of our locked bedrooms but we would never really touch our partners in public, but hey, we will try and hug our friends. :-) Get the picture???

Question is- we are a confused lot. We really are. Our sense of boundaries are fk-ed up. We dont know when we get too close- inadvertently and then become awkward. Or we measure far too much- and then get awkward. So point is we will be awkward anyway.

Where do you draw the line? How much is too much? How do you fall in love? And how do you fall out of it?

Namaste! :-)

Eternal realizations of a flawed mind...

I realized today that a person stays alive to learn a few lessons. 

I keep learning mine. We meet new people because in some ways the cosmos wants them to help us learn these lessons.

Truly happiness or sadness is only a state of mind. Lessons are never right or wrong. Good or bad. They are just awareness campaigns. :-)

I do believe that I learnt my lesson finally. And fully. For some time (say eternity), I dont want to learn much. I truly want to live life for sometime on a pause.

We seldom forget people who teach us lessons. I look back fondly to those people. I am what I am because of them. 

The circus

Let's call me Marcus, the ring master.

I have a great love for circus. I used to check events religiously to figure out where and when the next circus would arrive.

As a spectator, I always was fascinated that wild animals also would perform to a ring master. I was Mike then. A very normal Charlie.

I never realized that one day I would become Marcus. The transformation has been very gradual and eye opening. But very unconscious. I neither remember the goal nor the journey. And yet Mike became Marcus.

On a day like today, and the months that have been, I ponder about the karma of my profession. I make animals jump to my tunes.

Marcus's shoes are super tight and pointy. Truth is Marcus will be alive- even after his death. Long Live Marcus!

Dangling key(chains)

As the lightening and thunder struck for the umpteenth time that night, I was frightened to death. By now, I almost wished I were dead so I didnt have to live through those moments of intense fear. Fear has that power. It eats your insides and makes you feel super small. Actually makes me feel invisible or maybe that's what I hope I am.

Every thunder made me shudder at the suddenness of it all. Obviously there was a power outage and it happened to be one of the rare moments of solidarity that I otherwise enjoy. I tried shutting all the rattling windows. But who can stop the ten gale wind? And who could stop nature's fury? I tried meditating. But all that came into my mind's eye was my broken life.

I was born an angry kid. Everyone in the neighborhood would vouch for this despite the years that rolled by. My loud wails still haunt the walls. Now they haunt the walls of my heart and body. The only identity that I hold very dear to my body is anger. My adornment. I fought hard- tooth and nail. I made sure I was not to be fooled around with. And yet- there are moments we all succumb to. The lighter moments that are meant to fool a person. The forbidden fruit.

There's poetic justice in all of this. In the lightening that stuck my attention drew towards the glistening keys. The holder was swaying side to side as if shouting to me to get the keys so it could settle in more freely. Oh- the forbidden fruit. And the siren call.

There are moments when fear is forgotten when you realize there is something bigger than fear- My anger. And then I smiled. The not so nice smile. The wicked and cocky laughter that will make everyone uncomfortable. Like I was transferring fear to something else. I stood up and counted steps to reach the key stand. I clutched the cold bunch of keys in my hand. I gripped it so tight that I thought it will cut my insides of the palm.

With one key of the bunch, I locked the house. And with the other, I started the ignition of the car. Raised the accelerator like I wanted to. I heard the sound. The crunch of the gravel sounded like a lullaby that brought peace to me. Stepping on the gas further, I drove away. The hunted became the hunter.

The house was finally shut. And the distance between us increased. Just like the house wanted. And meh??? I was happier driving away.