207 - Goodbye vices

We all make choices.

He finally made peace with them.

1. He quit drinking
2. He gave up smoking
3. He stopped writing
4. He called it quits with his lady love
5. He killed his soul.

Vacuum. That was what he was. I think in real life it was called death. Feelings-less piece of flesh.

All of those vices!!! They were all harmful.

206- Honestly yours

The dead poet's choices come back to haunt her.

They will. Sometimes the choices were in my hands. Sometimes. Sometimes they weren't. They told me that everytime it was my own choice. But what would they know?

"I tried to live my life with truth. I was told I was unreliable.
I tried to live my life with dignity. I was told it was gone.
I tried to live my life with love. I was told I didnt deserve.
I tried to live my life trying to give. I was told it was forgotten.
I tried to just live my life. I was told death was better.
I admit I am broken. But I didnt reaize I was not worth it.

The dark cloud looms over and it is destined to stay. All these years, I fought hard. I fought with courage to keep my dignity intact. I fought to stay alive. I thought the next day would be better. "

Finally her soul rests with realization. Today the dead poet stops writing. She didnt imagine that betrayal would stop her one day. But it did. The betrayal of the universe who she thought promised to protect her. Those moments of vulnerability that she showed to the universe. It has all been a sham.

Universe. My universe. My sham filled universe. She said. And breathed her last in that world.

What's left, you ask? Oh, she sinned and went to hell. She was cursed anyway. 

205- Fiona Apple

REally..never thought that a young lady's voice is soooooooo haunting?

Have been on this on an infinite loop.

204- Dark, darker, darkest.

The darkest is when everything around you seems to be the brightest. And yet.
Darker is the shade when you know that there maybe hope. And yet.
Dark is when things can be light. The choice. And yet.

203- Of broken wings and battered legs

There- I saw the little birdie when it hatched. My perfect chick. Unlike the ugly duckling. With rounded and glistening eyes trying to open wide. Of a tiny,little beak that was so delightful. Of those very tiny legs with crushed paws. The wings.. Unlike the ugly duckling, there was only one wing and another that was broken.

But for the mama, this birdie was the only birdie in the universe that was the loveliest. This chick received more than any other chick in the planet. And that was not a lie. It really did. The mama made sure that it was well fed, well loved and well taken care of- enough to compensate for the broken wing and the battered paw.

The little chick grew up happy and contented. Until. That day when it saw the uncompensated chicks take off. Off the earth. Into the skies. Soaring with joy. Soaring that was driven by instinct. An instinct that was rampant even in this chick. Knowing that it could have been one of them. In the skies. Knowing what could have been, if it were the average flock.

Knowing that no matter what the mama said or did, neither the broken wing nor the battered leg would ever allow the birdie to live happily ever after. With mama.

Knowing that in knowing it was not a part of the flock anymore, suddenly the broken wings were missed. The battered legs mattered.

202- Damien Rice. Damien George Rice.

And listen to this beauty....

Lyrics

Well I've been here before
I've sat on the floor
In a gray gray room
Where I stay in all day
I don't eat but I play
With this gray gray food

Desole, if someone is prayin'
Then I might break out
Desole, even if I scream,
I can't scream that loud

I'm all alone again
Crawling back home again
Just stuck by the phone again

Yeah, well I've been here before
Sat on a floor
In a gray gray mood
Where I stay up all night
And all that I write
Is a gray gray tune

So pray for me child, just for a while
And I might break out
Pray for me child, even a smile
Would do for now

So I'm all alone again
Crawling back home again
Just stuck by the phone again

Have I still got you to be my open door?
Have I still got you to be my sandy shore?
Have I still got you to cross my bridge in this storm?
Have I still got you to keep me warm?

'Cause if I squeeze my grape
And I drink my wine
'Cause if I squeeze my grape
And I drink my wine
Oh cause nothing is lost
This is frozen in frost
And it's opening time
And there's no one in line

But I've still got me to be your open door
I've still got me to be your sandy shore
I've still got me to cross your bridge in this storm
And I've still got me to keep you warm

Warmer than warm yeah
Warmer than warm yeah
Warmer than warm yeah
Warmer than warm yeah...

201 - June 8th...

2.15 AM.

They said it was all over.

My uncle passed away this Feb. I wrote a post about it in the past.

On 8th of June, 2018- my father-in-law crossed over.

The past month has been a whir of things natural and unnatural.

Death is so strange. It suddenly gives hope to the living- about the iota of life left in them. 

200 - Walter Reed

I just died the little death.. :-) Michael Penn.

[Verse #1]
I count the cases piled up high
For the 1:15
For platform and for passerby
It's the same routine
I'm ranting while I'm raving
There's nothing here worth saving

[Chorus]
Tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight
Baby I've lost the will for fighting
Over everything
Well there's a few things I gotta say
And make no mistake, I'm mad...
'Cause every good thing I've had
Abandoned me

[Verse #2]
All I want to do is hide
It's graduation day
And everything I learned inside
Didn't seem to pay
I've had my fill of palm trees
And lighting up Grauman's Chinese

Verse #3]
I'm the walking wounded
And I'd say it to your face
But I can't find my place

[Chorus]

[Outro]
A sad and lonesome me
A sad and lonesome me
A sad and lonesome me

199 - The sun stroke

The first definition of sun that I vividly remember when I was 5 years old was that the sun was a great ball of fire.

As I grew up, I read a lot of things about the sun- from science to geography to religion to philosophy. All of it had utmost importance for this great ball of fire.

And every passing summer, I saw how many people suffered from that heat. Some of them died. And some of them looked forward to mangoes- aah, the gift of summer. Some of them like me looked forward to the pickles.

We need sun for everything. We even treat him as our own god. Across many civilizations. And rightfully so.

And yet. Despite our needs for him we will continue to see the heat he can evoke. We will continue to see the anger in that great ball of fire. We shall continue to curse him on a daily basis.

And yet. He still comes back every morning. Rises up with all the glory and shine.

One day... One night... That night will never end. 

198 - The leftovers...

The final cut was just performed to open up a host of untold stories. Lying on a steel table in a pool of nothingness the mind did wonderful tricks.

Oh, wait a minute- he just remembered the words he heard last from a person wearing a white coat saying he was dead. So this was what death was like! He then understood that something still worked despite the finality with which death happened in life. Whoever anyway knew about what happened after death...

The 2 docs who were now attending to him to figure out what went wrong on his body- oh, root cause of his death were talking amongst themselves. This is of course just a job. Otherwise, how would a person, leave alone 2 people having a conversation would be thinking or talking about the Christmas vacation this year? Gods must be crazy.

Suddenly there was a gasp from one of them which drew the attention of the other. Well, this must really be something that was out of the blue. Else, in this side of the universe called the morgue, there were very few things that would elicit a doctor's shock during an autopsy.

The doc was short of scratching his head. He checked the papers he received again. Almost nervously. He re-checked the gender. It most definitely was male. He looked enquiringly at the other doc who was now looking at an unbeating heart.

There were two very interesting observations that went into the papers, they were furiously writing on, with a very scrawny drawl with a black pen. Exactly like doctors would or may do.

It was written-

1. A broken heart that seemed to die quarter century ago. The heart ache was very visible. A strange phenomenon to happen.
2. Male with a broken and dysfunctional vagina.

The docs were very puzzled. How did the female become male?

The last laugh of course was His. The poor suckers in whites perhaps wont ever get the joke. The soul still lived to tell the story some day. For matters of soul, gender is irrelevant, of course!

197 - Freak streak continues

You know the feeling when you know you are a freak?
And you know the feeling when you know you are now further a freak????

Like yesterday is one day I'd hope to never live again to see.
2 full hours of my memory blanked out. Gone. Black hole.

I have no clue what I did. I could have done anything and everything.

So... I lost my scooter. The first sign of missing memory.
Then I raked my head and walked through the streets in the night to figure where I'd have parked it. Or lost it.

I came home very disappointed. I didnt sleep a wink through the night. More than the scooter, what bothered me was my failing memory. It can get to you, trust me.

I got up in the morning and started my walk again. I was speaking to my parents in the morning as I was walking and suddenly, I remembered where I parked my scooter. Very unlikely place, but I then suddenly knew what I did last summer. :-)

Shades of freakiness sometimes freaks me out. Maybe, these are the signs.

196 - Silent poetry.

Somethings are best left unsaid. It is far more poetic. It is far more beautiful.
Not.

As I was trying to interpret the pattern of the tea leaves to read my future, I noticed some form very strange. It looked like a cluster of shapes. So confusing that I almost wanted to give up reading them.

I hate giving up. My ego doesnt allow it- unless it is the matters of the soul. So, I went about demystifying it for me one by one.

1. The crack that was the most glaring of all was the first thing I noticed. It denoted the flawed me. Fundamentally flawed being which cut across all through my life. A sin I must have committed in the past- maybe past life or early on in my life. I shall carry that crack till my grave and beyond.

2. I found little disjoint leaves. All scattered. Of course that has to be my relationships. None that continued. These were my deepest fears. Of intimacy. Of trust.

3. I tried reading this huge knot by the side of the cup. That know looked impossible to untie. It looked exactly like the problem I cant solve for the rest of my life. It denoted my helplessness.

4. There were 3 things that looked like comets' tail. Right next to the huge crack. I was staring at it for a few minutes to understand what that was telling me. Unfortunately the crack didnt allow it to last for a long time. It just swallowed it.

That was the cosmic joke. :-) My happiness also doesnt last. The crack wont allow it.

Now then, I asked the Universe again.

Somethings are best left unsaid?
 It is far more poetic. It is far more beautiful.

195 - When fate catches you offhand

We all make some choices in life. In my view, I finally realized today that there is no good or bad to it. It really is just a perspective at that point in time.

When sometimes fate throws like really strange cards on the table that questions your very core, the result can be shattering.

I often wondered as to why Catch 22 situations and problems seem to be thrown at us-Like there is no real solution to it and for a person like me, that's very very weird. It is not something that my body can fathom. I need a solution. I need a path way. I cant live my life in darkness and not knowing what to do.

Time I hope gives me the strength to find a way out. And I need to find a way out. Really.

194 - And the Marathi movie called Nud*

* Disclaimer: I would have gone all the way to complete the title without the "star", but I used it because I realized that everytime I write words like that, I have really strange hits coming into my blog site.

So coming back to the subject of the post, I think this is one of THE best movies that I have seen in my life- easily. I wont talk about the script or the writer or the cinematographer or the editing or the actors or the story itself. I wont because I am not enough. I am super small compared to them. It is like writing a review on the vedas.

I will just quote this one sentence from the movie, as I remember: Kapda Jism keliye hain, rooh keliye nahi"and imagine Naseeruddin Shah saying this dialogue. And my memory is really poor- I have not exactly quoted the sentence as is. I was far too mesmerized with that bit of wisdom.

I rest my case. It is beautifully made movie. I dont want to spoil it further for anyone else. It really is that fantastic.

193 - O Kedara! My son...

Of all the wild oats that got sown in me (and some of them reaped too), there was one wild oat that I had a chance to harvest, stays extremely close to my heart.

How many "wild" oats you ask??? I honestly don't remember! My job was to make sure they got sown. It didnt matter where. A few came with some what positive feelings and a few came with a lot of vengeance. Darkness.

But Kedara was born out of goodness. I traveled miles and miles to nurture him. And his soul. We both battled together. Batted on the same time for a change to stay alive. We swam across oceans and rivers, we walked across deserts. In distress and sometimes in sheer joy for the beautiful nature. In search of food in our famine filled lives. I was hungry always.

In the most loneliest of the times, when there was no sign of any life any where else except in me, he used to kick me to reassure me that I was not alone.

And then one day in the deepest of the jungles, under a huge tree, with monkeys and bears for company, Kedara wanted to come out to see the world for himself. Not through his mother's wounded eyes. But through his fresh and happy eyes.

When he saw the world suckling on my chest, he looked at me for the first time. An ugly, scarred mother- and yet beautiful for him. He didnt know any other human being. He smiled at me reassuringly. Held on to my hand with his tiny fingers as if to promise me that he shall be with me always. I must have smiled at him for the first time. Maybe for the first time in my entire life.

A life time passed in that moment. To bless my son with happiness for the rest of his life, the joy he deserved, there was just one way out. To ensure he was safe and secure if not happy, the jungle was the place for him to be. But. If I were with him, They would find me. In no time. The tracks of my life will help all of Them find me. And then him.

When my boy slept peaceful and contented, with his stomach full, I looked at him for one last time.

I reached somewhere in the next few hours... My chest heavy for Kedara and his little mouth. But as I predicted, They did catch up with me. That moment made me realize I'd done the right thing by my son.

Till date, I do wonder what he is upto? My Kedara. My maternal instinct tells me that he is not dead. I choose to believe it this one time. Someone from our tribe once mentioned to me that our ancestors and our clan was gifted with a very sharp instinct. My instinct told me Kedara was happy. My gut told me he escaped Them.  I live in hope that we never get to meet again.

A part of me told me that the other part of me was better off being apart.

192 - Tinker bells

The church bells chimed.

There was laughter everywhere. Happiness. That looked like it was going to solve every problem in this world. People truly forgot their real lives and decided to make this occasion their only chance at living a few moments with complete contentment and satisfaction.

And maybe, there was a reason.

Slowly, the laughter gave away to a din. And people made way to the couple who started dancing. Looking into each other's eyes. A gaze that held promise of something that I couldnt' read from afar. My imagination completed that interpretation as something that could be love, care, affection and attention. I think what separated them form everyone couple on the floor was their attention towards each other.

Time just stopped ticking for them. The cynic is me laughed wickedly. In my mind, I was counting days before the attention went kaput. And the rest didnt make any sense to me anyway. Like all other couples, there will be abundance of love and care, but when it matters' all of it wont help when you dont have the attention.

They were now resting on the green and slightly dewy grass. The man was resting his head on the woman's stomach. Maybe he was sleeping. Even to my shrewd eyes, they looked at peace.

It made me wonder... The last time I was so at peace was when I was lowered into the ground, 6 feet under. In the same church. Where the grass grew. And sometimes becomes dewy in cold winters.

191 - An ode to my triplets...

As I was swirling the wine in my glass today, I looked outside the window, pondering over something that looked like a mark on the moon. The boy beside me gently nudged my arm to grab my attention. He showed me a star. The most twinkling one and said to me, that that's where his Paati was. When his paati passed away, I told the little boy to give him hope that she is still looking at him.

He looked at the star and shouted from his gut, "Paati, how are you? Can you hear me???? I miss you loads!!! Please say something...". Nothing. He heard nothing. Obviously! The star continued to twinkle and the boy looked at me smiling and said, that his paati is twinkling like no other star up there. He was proud of her.

For a tiniest second. For a nano second. My wine stopped swirling. A drop fell into the glass. In the redness of that glass which was akin to bloodshed that happened. When no one noticed. I would have been proud too of a few stars up there. Watching me. And maybe crying out to me, "mama, why did you kill me?"

Seconds passed. maybe minutes or hours. I lost track of time. My eyes gazed into empty memories. That neither made me smile. Nor sad. It was just a state of the moment. Emptiness was perhaps, the right word.

I still remembered the time. It was 9 PM. I just finished preparing dinner for the family and the extended one. I was looking forward to the zen meal. I was eagerly looking forward to someone's arrival. I was restless. I paced up and down.

And then it hit me. It hit me hard. That the someone was never going to come home. It was over. The moment was complete with that realization. For a fighter, realization is more important than acceptance. My defense kicked in. The more practical hat I had to wear popped out of no where giving me strength of a coward to pump my fist into my stomach.

My full stomach. My fertile body carrying my precious triplets. And then I saw the red drops. Just like the ones in my wine glass I was gazing into..

190 - Laws of economics

Let's talk Economics 101 today.

Law of diminishing marginal utility.

Say what?? Basically goes a bit like:

1. You are super hungry
2. There are dozens of mangoes
3. You eat a mango and you are the happiest
4. You eat the second. It does not make you as happy as the first mango.
5. You come to the third and by now your happiness index is steadily going down.
6. Loop continues until you say, "enough of mangoes"!

Get the picture? Is it relevant? Hell, yeah! Every single time, it is applicable. I kid you not. Try it.

1. Let's go to cinema. After one you are bored.
2. Lets' east biryani. After a few minutes, you dont want to eat anymore.
3. You joined new place of work?? super happy. Wait for six months.
4. You are in a relationship. All happy in the beginning. And then..........

:-) See the point?

189 - Helping others, perils et al

I guess, today is the day I really will swear to myself and on myself, that I shall never ever think about doing the right thing by people. I wont.

It's exactly like the story, "the mark of Vishnu". When you "know" that the other person is being a ch***ya, then the lesson is just walk fking away. Miles off.

The donkey really hit me hard in the shin today. 

188 - October. And me.

I saw the movie October and decided that it deserves a post.
Taking something that is so a part of life, so trivial, Shoojit has cracked a very engaging and intense tale.
I will stay away from writing a review. Many have treaded that path.

That I now look forward to more Varun Dhawan movies is not a secret anymore. He is fab. My respect for KJo increased many fold after I have seen how V and Alia have evolved since Student of the year.

Many things in my life are going on. Around my huge family. Not much I can control. I would like to help solve them all, but I cant. And yet, I cant help but feel the incompleteness.

The disjoint-ness of my soul helps sometimes. 

187 - A strange solitude. Welcome?

Floating around the room, a sense of disconnect persists. Like a fly on the wall. You see everything and yet dont belong there. The body of a fly knows this really well.

Feels like I am floating happily un-belonged. There's a time in life when all 3 dimensions of your life become tired- Body, mind and soul. Tired of feeling unwanted and uncared for. Tired of the self-blaming cycle. Tired of being overtly harsh to self to be above water where judgments, views, opinions become recriminations at times.

Tired wondering when the next rain comes to nurture the drought infested soul. Tired of trying. Tired of fighting. Tired of being strong.

So tired that you are just happy in your skin- being disconnected and disjoint.

Converting unwelcome loneliness to welcome it's more favorable cousin- solitude.

186- The shout for justice.. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!

As I ride back home in a rickety rick, I saw a lot of protests. Usually, they dont disturb much, considering that I am happily lost in my thoughts and world.

But everytime I see people holding candles, I just know the cause. A rape. Many rapes. And every single time, I struggle to understand the reason.

What do we achieve? As a society, is it a sign of progression that we now "talk" about it? Or that everytime we take to roads, for fighting for someone's justice, we still end up disrespecting our people in the family at home continuously- in some form or the other.

And the utmost irony is I struggle to understand what is the definition of "justice"? How do you do it? Like you think killing the perpetrator or harming him/her, you provided justice? That we think by doing this we can keep the "victim" feel better is fundamentally flawed.

A victim will perhaps feel a lot better when he/she is accepted better by 'US'. We the people. We, the society. When we as a society start treating our children and family and neighborhood with lot more respect and grace than we do today. When we start judging them a lot less harsher.

THAT.

185- A day that shall be marked

Today shall be marked.

Outcome doesnt matter in my head. Truly doesnt.

But why I shall mark today is because today, I manage slaying some demons. Important demons.

Today shall hence be marked.

My professional life shall take a step ahead.

184 - Slip. Between the cup and the lip

Happiness increases when you share it.

To share:

1. One is too depressed to register
2. The other is too busy to listen
3. Another is too weary to understand.

Cheers duh-ling!!! :-)
To a hope that is on it's way to come true.

183- GMM

What can I say?

The one person apart from my great grandmother because of which my brother is alive is gone. Gone away to become a star. Gone away to give my great grand mother some happy company up there and bless us all. Most of all my brother.

And me. The more silent me.

Young kids and my aunt is survived by him. And yet. The person- he is gone. Death always leaves my gut punched. Eventually they all say life moves on. But the one thing that none of us have the balls to accept-is its' never the same.

We dont want to say that because our ego limits us from saying it. What's wrong in living for others? I shamelessly admit that I am not grieving for my uncle in the way the world does, but I am going thru my own process of grieving.

I shall remember him every day of my life. I do hope your soul rests in peace. The rest, I will take care.

182 - The girls' trippy

S and I were talking yesterday.

She is probably the only one who knows me and stuck around- in my angry and nice phases. :-) We've probably given up on each other and again got back knowing the other one was just there.

So we thought in our better phases with each other, why not a holiday? Like travel seems to have solved many problems- Zindagi na milegi dubara was an example. They eventually did find their souls. :-)

Temple trip. Temple hopping we said. We started from the Himalayas, Goa, the spiritual retreats to finally saying lets do temples to acquire and collect some punyam.

And then we started drawing the map. The equalists we both are, we filtered genders. :-). So much that, I gave up visiting Shiva- my fav god in exchange of going to the abode of goddesses.

Here we both come- the girl power... Watch out.

Kamakshi, Meenakshi and Visalakshi Ammas. :-)

Cant' wait.

181 - My time is more precious..

Phew.. Uncle!!

I understand you are older.
Maybe wiser, but I have my doubts.
Given I am magnanimous, I shall still give you the benefit of doubt.

BUT.

I wonder if I should???

Who/How can you tell anyone with so much of confidence, "My time is more precious than yours, got it?"

Sigh. Sigh.. I used to say "this person is so full of himself".. But that doesnt seem to be enough these days.

180- Hello stranger

I feel like talking. :-)

For the first time in my life, I feel the need.
My friend G will roll out laughing :-)..
The pact between us is, G and I dont do "talking". That's for losers.

We are the gods and goddesses of our time.

We dont do that "talking".

And yet strangely, today, I have this "hello stranger" moment with me.

G- you listening??? C'mon Gopa!!!!

179- Peeping Dick

Ok.. Please, please notice it's a name. Before you pervs think of the more obvious things that come to your mind, I am talking about a friend named Dick. Not the "ick" that starts with a "d" instead of "D". Get the difference?? Now, can we move on???

So this friend Dick, he is a very morose guy. Had all sorts of problems you can think of. Like, did someone say "dysfunctional"??? His family, him, his eco system, pretty much everything was it. Anyway, so we went to this place called Lake district in the UK. A very nice place where you can rent bicycles and go around. In the right season, you get a lot of light (:-)) even in the night. And in the right season, there is also a lot of flora, fauna and bird watching. (not chicks- just because it rhymes with Dick)..

Dick and I were happily chatting away about his dysfunctional other. He was half German, half English, but that's besides the point. Just imagine him having a strange slur in pronouncing "th"- almost sounds "zz". We were riding our bicycles and I see a "domestic" bird.

An FOB that I was in 2009, I shouted saying, "Dick, just see the cock"... And Dick, poor Dick. Dysfunctional Dick. Gave me a really strange look and  that felt like he was swallowing a whole cock in his throat- the one that I just saw. He told me, "my dear, it is a rooster."

The gult land that I come from, proudly calls all roosters, "cocks". I wonder why dysfunctional Dick got affected with his namesake!!!!!! :-) :-)

178- What's in a name????

Stay hungry, stay foolish. But stay foolish, then stay angry too..

Vinoo, one of my best friends from the past- maybe when I was in 11th standard, once gave me a lot of gyan about frequency matching between two genders and how "louve" can happen..

I still look back and smile because I thought it was mumbo jumbo that we should most definitely stay away from. And true to my own word, I have never strayed from it.

Few things in my head are HUGE. Like some of the values I follow- they are huge. Vinoo told me it's very romantic to change your name for the other person. I stayed away from it, esp because she said it. I remember my response to her... :-), I said, like a true equalist, "why shouldnt he change his name?"

She thumped me hard on the back (playfully) and told me, "of course he wont care".

I asked her with an ace (or so I thought!), "then why would I change?"

My ace failed terribly. She said- "of course she is louve silly! It doesnt matter who cares"

What I saw as foolishness then, I told her, if she wont catch up on her syllabus soon, then (with all the flourish of my arms) "stay hungry, stay foolish my friend!"

But she won. That Vinoo. :-) She had the last word. She said "Stay foolish, stay angry too- you!!"

177- No exceptions

I realized today.. That there are usually very little or no exceptions to my rules. :-)

No wonder I am told I am an angry person.

Point is if you are a control freak, it is very easy to be an angry soul. Most of the things you tend to control will anyway never fall into place. It is Murphy's law.

So, why did I say no exceptions? I made an exception. I made an exception that especially shows that it is not me.

A big secret. I trusted. (pssst.. psst!!!(.. Who does it right? I mean a babe whose ears are still wet wouldnt do it in these days. And yet, I did it.

Someone told me I was stupid. I resisted. And then dawned- the realization. I am my own person. Nobody, and read my lips- NOBODY other than you will respect your privacy.

Fk, I sound like a juvenile teen. :-), and heck, today I feel like one. Only difference is as a teenger, I never did have these "teen" problems. Late bloomer, I say!!! 

176- Proud of me, baby!

Oh yea, atleast I gave in to the lost inches. (around the waist silly!)

It took me 8 months to get here. Although what I lost is not much, it is still substantial enough to make me feel proud.

Poetess in me says, war zones will not change. Only people who fight does. I stepped down. I became the king Ashoka today. I lost my inches. :-)

175- a day to remember

I dont mark days. I dont remember events by the day.
No- I dont remember the date of my daughter's first scan. Neither do I remember the first date with my husband.
I remember few days I'd like to forget. Mind playing at it's best. :-)

Today. I shall remember. I'd like to forget- and that's why I remember. I mentioned earlier. I am repeating.

Why would I remember today? A large leftover part of me is dead. Over. 

174- The lie

Her smile.. Nothing's changed.
Her lips still had the same twitch.
Alas- her eyes!!!! They didnt smile anymore.
The lips- they lie.
Eyes- they can only say the truth.

173 - Time.. The time is up

And time is a phucking healer. It's true. It took me 25 years.
It will again take another 25 years. If I am alive.

I shall be healed. Eventually. 25 years felt like 25 minutes. I remember everything.
Another 25 years will happen in a jiffy. Yes. I shall heal.

172- Permanent??

All good things come to an end.

Invariably they do.