Someone today played a nasty game. Easy number.
Let's call them X.
X is usually a "nice" and a "sweet" person.
X is a big bitch to me.
How do you call out X?
Let me tell you X- and I know you are reading my blog- I might as well communicate to you thru this medium: You piece of shit. I am dealing with my life. Would be good if you deal with yours.
You've written a rather nasty comment.
I gasped at the audacity that someone actually bothers to write this. Thinks this.
So here: Yea- I am a liar. I am ALWAYS inconsistent. I never shoot straight.
I am a complicated character who is always after other men. There. I said it too.
What does this tell you, prude? If you are incapable of experiencing happiness- that's not my problem.
Get a life.
I usually never count most things. Including how much I write or read or shit. Or travels.
I dont have respect for it. No genuinely. I dont understand why people measure these things or why they become so important that they need to keep track of it.
I realized though that this year- I must have written a lot. I feel it. I feel like I talked a lot more here than I have with anyone else. Shows how bleak life has become.
I do keep track of happiness. Not as a measure. But as wistfulness. The heart yearns. It missed. I remember the count of times I have been happy this year.
That's because there's not much to count.
Amavasya sounds dark. And dreary and negative. Except Diwali, no other festival is perhaps celebrated on this day.
When you call the same day as "new moon" in English, it almost sounds like hope. New beginnings.
So.. new moon? Or...... :-)
Many years ago.. do you remember? That christmas in London??? We were walking hand in hand... it suddenly started to snow.
It was my first time... Many firsts including you..
I was mesmerised and did something almost involuntarily...
I stuck my tongue out to taste the snow.
Remember the laughter and the strawberries?
Games makes me feel like a fool.
Most of us play the fool out of the other person.
Problem is when you want to be in a place where games are not being played- Like work. Home.
Love.
<giggles>
<gasps>
<shrieks>
<whispers>
<happy lies>
The lies.... You know they are lies.
That's the trouble.
The giggles... do they matter?
A very depressed me sometimes feel maybe ugly truths give more clarity to life than happy lies.
And I bit into it.
We all "think" that there is love. Realization happens one day- you will get it that it's all illusion. Usually a figment of our own imagination. No it's true.
It doesnt always take 2 to tango. It's all in our head.
Do this thought experiment. Think of someone you feel that you love. And then imagine you are doing things with him- all sorts I say :-)... Imagine he/she is speaking to you in the way you want to hear things... They are saying things that you want to hear.
Point is they are not "saying". Only you are listening. It's an illusion.
That is what it is. Problem is we do bite it. The bait I mean. :-)
It's a great feeling, love.
Nope- I am not talking about condoms. :-) And the needs are not about carnal desires, I say.
I was just deeply meditating today. Staring out of the window- my fav past time. I kept gazing out. And I just thought that I am such a coward in my life that I cant stand up for myself.
I dont recognize my needs and I for sure dont recognize why my moods swing.
It is my inability to stand up for myself. Yea- I am a coward.
I wish I could just go out there to the centre stage and battle out. Not worry about my losses. Just keep slashing thru my wars.Challenge is other's happiness means so much more than my own happiness.
That is the real challenge.
There goes my moods. And needs out of the window.
And love... are so similar.
It blooms. Spreads happiness and joy.
And then it wilts.
It gets tired of this world.
THis diwali onwards- I dont want to live in fear.
Totally. I want to snap out of my web of stories.
Happy Diwali everyone.
Everyone needs a bit of magic in their lives.
But they cant be blinded by their ego as much as me.
With it- magic can never happen.
I now need some magic....
We are supposed to share happiness.
Esp for something that I did work hard- and won.
I want to share the winnings.
Just wondering if it is all worth it?
I am sitting by myself- typing this post away.
I forgot that I had fun with my cousins in this Kannada movies.
I forgot it was unplanned.
I forgot I didnt eat.
I forgot myself.
Watch the climax of this movie. Just wait till it reaches the point. The wait is not too bad. It is quite engaging.
And then- when the climax comes thru - wait... breathe. breathe.... Deeper. And then when you dont get goosebumps- pls ask me. Pls reach out to me.
Rishabh Shetty just beat all the charts and is now my fav actor right up at Allu Arjun level. Maybe a bit more too.
Fantastic. Just the word.
Actually I was bereft of all words.
Even when I die- people wont end up coming here.
These are some lost pages of my life. That will remain lost forever.
That's who I am.
A person for whom no one had any mind space. That's all.
This is a wasted exercise. Writing. And still I do it for posterity.
Life is surely a roller coaster ride.
But then- it wont matter. Because.... these pages are forever lost.
I hate them. I dont want to remember them. Not just mine- but also few others'.
I dont want them. Yea- I said it.
I lost interest in my life. It feels like it is not my life. Like someone else in living in it.
I want to fight and cry with vengeance. I want to scream. I want to kill. I have rage.
I need attention. I need love. I need care. I need affection. I need people to forget my mistakes. I need unconditional acceptance of who I am.
Today- I am in a strange space. I have nothing. No one. Not even my shadow that disappears in the darkness.
The opponent team got a free kick as a penalty for my foul.
His kick- scored a winning goal.
I signed out of football. Not out of ego. But because I feel guilty about the foul.
I dont think I got any good karma in my life. No kidding.
Some things bother me deeply.
I have done mistakes. But not so big that people cant forgive me. Or let go.
I have so much to give and take. I am open. But.....
People dont even know who I am. What I feel. What I perceive.
Here I am- indulging in pity for my soul that died today.
What am I to do? Which god would help?
My faith just let me down. Today- I feel angry that I prayed so much for everyone including myself and the universe- still- the world decided not to forgive me.
When will the tears stop. When will my world appear less bleak and blurred?
Here is the thing.
I try my best to be a good human being.
And I have expectations from my life. And yet- I shut the fk up for many years.
1. And then- when I had comfort and safety- I started wanting more from life. Mistake #1.
2. I felt angry- and wanted to express it. I did it. Destruction. Indulging in bad, bratty behaviour completely not me. Now I am one- thanks to the behavior in the past that I cant write off. Mistake #2.
3. I approached things with an abandon. I didnt care for the society. I didnt care about what people would think. I just did what I wanted to do. For my happiness. Mistake #3. BIG mistake this one.
4. I chartered into waters new to me. Very new. What was common for everyone else in town- was uncommon for me. I started emulating behaviors new to me. And I took it like fish does to water. And thought this is the new normal. But there is a huge question of conflict. Mistake #4.
I could go on and on and on - the list of mistakes would be endless. Point is - it's too late to correct. I am dead.
Today feels like a final nail in the coffin.
What's poetry in this? I am still living. I wonder where is life coming from?
Most conversations that are deep- they make me feel sad. Like weepy.
I am not preggers. I am not PMS-ing.
When people start talking about things- I cant help but take it very personal. Like maybe I was/am the reason for their destruction. Degeneration.
Since when did I start taking credit for everything around me? A friend jokingly told me this.
But... there's something deeply internal within me - that feels responsible and guilty for something that I may not have been responsible for.
But I know. I know. Far too much.
Matters of deep shite I say.
Holds special place in my heart.
George Clooney is just dripping, piping hot. No other words.
And add Julia Roberts to the mix?
You have tickets to paradise.
I loved the movie to bits......
My dad always told me that I was sensitive and I needed to be more practical. Sensitive from an emotional perspective. When I was growing up- having heard this one too many times- I decided to be stronger- whatever that meant....
I decided not to give anyone the power to hurt me. Which meant- I never NEVER ever let my guard down. Not once. And that's how I got away without indulging in relationships. For the longest times.
And then. I bit the apple. I gave in. I let my guard down.
Till this day- I cant find the guard. I lost it. The guard (rightfully so) became angry with me and totally left me vulnerable, high and dry.
On a day when it is pouring cats and dogs- I can do nothing but stare at the rain and pray that the guard is back.
I want to be safer. Not happier. Or anything else. I need safety for myself in my space.
Peas in a pod....
Are all not the same.
Neither the bees nor the peas.
I had an interesting evening today. Unexpected guests. And a totally unexpected fun dinner.
Amidst the madness of losing someone from the past- to death I mean- I am trying to have fun.
He was important- the person who died. Very important in my scheme of things. My context and my identity.
Ideally someone in my position should have been happier. That he is gone. But... I am not. I feel more broken. And more lost.
He wasnt an anchor. Was he?
How do you know?
When words flow out much easier than before... And when they are not really sad- then you know that something is right. I say. :-)
There's not that much love in the air. But there sure is rain. And lot of happiness.
Yea- I am more sorted in my head.
In the rider's seat.
Yea- I'm learning to ride a bike.
Full bike. Not the "scooter' sire. Nope. That's not for me.
I am learning to ride a mean machine called Hunter 350.
And I shall learn it fully. Soon. Soon
I wrote a love note to myself. Well- yea, I needed some attention and care. And I really didnt have anyone to reach out. Nobody's go that kind of time anymore- atlrast in my life for sure.
So I sat down and I poured my heart and soul into an extremely narc gesture to myself. :-) :-)
I have to admit - I have a lot of love to give. It shows.
So- here's to a badass girl who writes top class love notes - even if it's to herself.
Deserves the praise.... :-)
Deserves a spot on the blog on the day I watched the movie.
Of course Mani Ratnam is one of my fav film makers. I had to watch this movie first day. Of the release..
My dad was very ill. High temperature. He popped a pill and came off :-):-)
Now- before the movie released, I was trying to hear the audio version of this book- on SPotify. But was a difficult process given the Tamil is very old and heavy. I gave up the book.
But heck- whatay movie. I cant wait for the second part.
What did I love??? Everything. Well- almost. Karthi, Jayam Ravi, Jayaram, Prakash Raj, Prabhu, Vikram, Vikram PRabhu, Sarat Kumar, Trisha, Aishwarya (Rai and Lekshmi), Shobhita- Heck- you name them, I loved them.
Music was OK- for some reason- I wished they didnt have music. But I esp loved the song that Vikram had that kind of transitioned from his frustration to a drunken stupor.
Cinematography and editing- Full marks and more. Ravi Varman and Sreekar Prasad hit the ball out of the park.
The script is so taut and well written that you'd almost forget that it was a book.
Now my fav part- Trisha. No really. The first time in my whole life- I loved what Trisha brought to the table. She was fantastic. She deserves roles like this. She stole the screen and the show for me. In a movie with ensemble cast- can you imagine how difficult it is to steal the show? Well- she did it.
Go watch it. And be dazed.
PS- This was a serial that was published in Ananda Vikatan. Legend has it that my paati (dad's mom) had bound all the episodes into a series of books. We are all busy finding that book now. :-)
Most of the days- we all 'think' that things happen because of somethings we do.
Complicated? Not really.
Like- We may stress out on a day like today that things are slipping and everything is all over the place. My point is do we control anything in this?
Nothing....
Life is strange. Most things happen because they just happen. And we all just wait and watch the consequences arise.
So.. yea- things look up. They look down. They look right. And they look left.
LinkedIn profiles- atleast a few of them are damn funny. No offence.
Folks who made it big. Or folks who incessantly attract audience by giving some gyan. Or folks who just joined in new positions- these make the biggest noise.
I did that too at some point in time.
But now- I feel like laying low. And stop using it. It creates a lot of pressure randomly. Not worth it.
I just realized today that there are so many triggers in life that at some point body's reaction also alters.
Earlier i used to try and escape them. Then I started pulling the guns away.
Now- I am forcing them to shoot. Just pull that damn trigger I say.
I am not scared anymore.
There are these very very few moments in life (almost zero) where you have such wise epiphanies. Let go. Let go your anger. Let go your ego. Let go yourselves.
What's left is you. And what's left is nothing. You are nothing :-)
Life is as simple as that.
So you have now some basics of chemistry going on between 2 people.
At a high level you like most of the things.
Now the silent seduction starts- unknowingly. The person looks you in the eye and speaks. There are shared secret glances. Smiles.
There's a lot of care. There's pushing of boundaries. There's a lot of time for the other person.
All of this is a part of that game.
Slowly but surely, the process of falling into love obviously happens.
And then- age old story starts. Where there was resistance- there's familiarity. Now role reversal happens. The hunted becomes the hunter.
The attacker becomes a defender.
Suddenly one day- there's only one player in the field. The other player is busy in the other field. Practicing another game.
This player- is now waiting for the other one to join them some day to continue this game.
The chase is a perennial one. And the chase is always unequal.
Today I shall mourn.
The death of many things between us.
Today I shall not live in denial. Of how little I know you.
I shall indulge in tasting my salty tears.
The are mine to taste. And waste.
I shall let my soul break. It cant contain hurt any longer.
I was perched on my fav ledge staring into the distant skies. That part of the skies often have flights that are on their landing loci.
There's something very meditative to see a flight landing. Like the people would feel what it is to be grounded after soaring in the skies.
The moon continued to shine thru like a pearl. A part of me silently wept. The flights kept landing and my thoughts went on soaring.
What's it like to realize that you fell in love with the wrong person?
It's like being in that flight that's not about to land anytime soon. You are only soaring in the air knowing that one day you'll land with a thud. Also knowing that you cannot fall out of love unless you want to jump out of the flight.
A friend came out of the closet today. Admitted to a piece of something that could throw people off guard.
I am usually not on guard around this friend.
What was said was not bothersome. But I was disappointed for some reason. Not in a judgmental way. But more so about myself.
It is his life. Isnt it? So why should it disappoint me? I felt like I realized an alien portion of me in me today.
Recognition. Awareness. That I am me. And only me. Many others make transient memories but they all are a part of the past. If we take a slice of only the "present" it is just me. And no one else.
His admission should have give me clarity about him. But it just made life more poetic.
How does it feel like when you know you were an active part of his past?
I pretty much have no visitors on mt page. As in I dont know if there are any- and i know it's very few. Does it matter?? Not really. GIven the way I write, it really is inconsequential.
What do I miss? I feel wistful almost every single day about things I miss. Knowing it is not right to lament about things that I dont have.
I do have a lot of good things going for me. And yet- I feel I miss a lot of things.
Here goes:
1. I miss my place in this world. A place.
2. I miss being myself. I dont know who I am. I want to know more about who I am.
3. I miss giggles. Laughter. Joy.
4. I really really miss being spontaneous.
With so many friends around me, I miss a companion in this journey. I wish my shadow was with me during darkness.
I wish I could lean on. I wish I could come home and say "honey, I am home".
I wish there was a name to that "honey". I wish there were a face. I wish there were a person. For me. With me. Me.
Imagine this... "You are me" will now be "I am 1/8th of you".
Mathematically this is a reductionist statement. As in the value has reduced already when there is a fraction where denominator is greater than 1.
Now- in life it means- the chick is now having more people in life to engage with.
This is surely a good thing. Right?
Only poetically, you are not me anymore. You are a part of me.
What a movie...
It started with a bit of pacing issues for me. But... But- it went on beautifully.
The movie felt like the director was manifesting his different identities thru different characters and how he deals with them. Like a slice of his mind and his thoughts and conflicts.
Pls go watch it.
I went to a village today to celebrate a very popular ganesha utsav. This is a village called Munganda in East Godavari district.
What was fun was not the utsav itself- but the fact that the entire community comes together to cook, and eat together.
There were a bunch of people who volutneered and that's how we got fresh produce from the farms, and freshly cooked traditional food with traditional spices.
And more importantly- the anecdotes that were 100 years old atleast. And everything else.
This is an experience to cherish. The deity here is called Chintamani Ganesha.
Today has been an unexpected day.
Went to a few Siva temples. And you know what???? I like. :-)
There's something very unique about the shiv linga. Very interesting.
A friend of mine sent me a few pictures of unknown people he clicked. I attempted to write something of what I read in those photos.
While we dont really have access to those pictures- I wanted to attempt to record those somewhere.
So- dear readers- on this you are actually headless chickens.
Columbian Lord
My private party be like- a good pizza, some coke, a good movie. Home alone. 25 deg c temperature.
That's my space.
And I'm lovingggg it :-)
I went to a movie that re-released after 14 years in the theatres for a day. Now.... What do you expect? Do you expect it would play on 200 shows in the city where getting a ticket was extremely tough?? It ran house full.
What a pleasure to see droves of people back at the theatres. And what fun to see people active? Like dancing, whistling, throwing papers. Heck- I had fun. Not just watching this Pavan Kalyan flick, but watching the audience completely engaging.
Well- so here's wishing PK a very happy budday. Looks like Jalsa was his bday special.
This was an experience I will cherish.
So I am trying to listen to rudram namakam and chamakam every single day.
Some magic in the sound. The rhythm of the verses is ethereal.
Let;s see how much I can sustain.
Ganesha- obviously is one of my most my fav gods... I always celebrate his bday with a lot of happiness. He signifies happiness and new beginnings for me. Always. So it is inevitable that I would resurface atleast once a year in the worst case. This year- has been a worst year that way. And yes- he gives me strength to resurface.
Here's to new beginnings I say- bring on the spirits.
Ganesha.... Truly. I like him. Fond of him. Like my bruh. My buddy. Like me. I think of him all the time. In sickness and health. Happiness and sadness :-)
Siva- Now him... Complicated guy. Is a philosophy in himself. A subject. Not easy. And yet- I louve him.
Started listening to Rudram, Makam and Chamakam. I love it. There's some vibes... Totally real. I can feel it in my nerves. A strange and a special high.
Is an interesting exercise.
Challenge is you may not really like the outcomes.
The delta of who you want to be vs who you are- is the challenge.
In my case- the process is currently in the present continuous space- and I cant really say it is a good outcome. Not something that I like. But not something that I can un-see.
And in need of a break. A proper one. A few days atleast.
How difficult is it? Very very difficult.
A friend of my today- completed half marathon. What's so special about it? Well- the fact that he could do it after the ankle surgery amazes me.
He was on a strict diet and focused on his stamina. And celebrated his run with a drink today- after ages.
I felt good for him. I want to feel good about myself too. I really need to start shedding the kilos and reducing stress. I have to get away from being a pre-diabetic and pre-hypertension candidate.
I need to shed.
I am going to make it up.
For a few losses. That I have caused.
Thats' what today is about.
And the fact that it is Saturday and I get a great holiday tomo. Sunday it is!
Yay! My own private pizza pawwty with some Netflix. Life's good.
I think I met of them (let's call him Gabriel) on the flight back home today :-)
What interesting life.
Is evident in the fact that I couldn't keep my family together.
It smashed to pieces on my watch.
This I shall carry to my grave.
I often thought (in my very limited experience) that heart breaks are about rejection.
How wrong was I.
Heart breaks are about loss of companionship, death of a bond that was very real. Then loneliness. And then emptiness. The numbness.
When numbness wears off- then you see a living hell.
That's what they are. In a strange way- our heart seeks this kind of "peace".
The heart truly breaks. And the drama is all true.
Life has to move on. But the direction is very different. Suddenly we change course. That's what I was unprepared for.
With a lot of devotion, reverence, love, care, lust, respect..... you get the point?
That's meditation. A lot of stuff happens and yet nothing really tangible comes out.
That's the time I feel everything and yet nothing.
Like you are one with the universe and yet- you are ... you.
My tears... they are salty. I kiss like I pray.
Chennai for me is a city of love. Like Paris. :-)
Yea- it;s sweaty, hot and grimy. And yet..... It represents love.
Carnatic music, the sea and Kanjeevaram silks. Of course I love.
But more than anything, it is the city where I saw a lot of love.
The romantic one. Lot of memories. Of places.
The beach. Murugan Idly shop where we ate till we would have been dead with food overload.
Some memories- even if we want them to go away- they never do.
OMG....
I cant not forget a single moment of the birth. You made me a mom! Whoever thought I can be a mom and have a rockstar kiddo like you.
Almost undeserving I say.
I louuuve you to moon and back my soon to be a teen baby!!! :-) :-)
A familiar pang of heart ache struck me as I walked along the beach.
We held hands and gazed at each other lovingly. With longing. Of the evening that was still young and of the night that held promises.
Today. I was walking by myself and missed the shadow that held my hand. But as I walked felt dizzy. And there was immense pressure on my chest. I couldnt breathe. I had to sit and get my breath back. But somehow the heaviness stayed.
I took a call to reach out to a doctor friend who was still in the hospital. The unfamiliar equipment of his clinic intimidated me. The heaviness only increased. I was disoriented. I thought it was the last moment in my life. I wanted to trade all that I had for 5 min of life.
Dr Friend immediately did a quick check on all vitals. Pushed a bit here. Prodded a bit there.
Suddenly I knew I did a few things right. Many things wrong. But that moment- none of this mattered. None. Zilch. All I wanted was to go peacefully if it was a call. I wanted to go back to the beach. And let the waves take their natural course.
Turns out my heart is trying to pump blood harder than usual. High blood pressure in simple parlance. I am 38. Obviously my heart broke. Dr F told me this is reversible as it is still in stage 1.
Here s the difficult part- with so much of heaviness in my own life, how do I get things right?
I wonder. Maybe popping the pill to regulate blood is the right thing to do. Very depressing to see my life beginning to degenerate earlier than average.
I hope I will have the strength to do a U-turn.
I just realized with so many people around me, I still chose not to share: yet again. I am choosing loneliness in the name of solitude.
Love is difficult.
Honesty even more so.
But figured it helps things move ahead. Either make or break I mean :-)
You cant not take a decision. Once you throw the bomb of honesty- there is no looking back :-):-)
The journey is here to stay. And so- watch the nuclear reaction of infinite half lives.
Of late, I figured how important it is to express. In the way you want to. Naturally. Like going along with the flow.
Writing has been that for me. In the last few weeks, it helped me collate, collect, consolidate and analyse my thoughts much better. This exercise also helps me clear the clutter in my head. It also helps in regulating rage I sometimes have in reaction to a few events.
Point is: I am able to identify a few things for what they might be. Like the only absolute way that there could be to see a set of events.
I apologize. As a habit. Out of sadness. Out of anger. Out of kindness. Remorse. Regret. I apologize for many things. Sometimes unwarranted too.
I still do because I feel it has the power to drive peace. And for that peace- I am OK doing what is needed.
Sometimes... I think apologies are wasted and shows how we repeat our mistakes. The value of sorry then becomes zero. Unfortunately- it is never enough. And we should never abuse the power of sorry.
Sorry is not a tool to drive peace or moderate a discussion. The power of sorry lies in strengthening a situation in a positive direction where there is genuine remorse and guilt and an ability to snap out of the bad habit.
it helps move us forward. Not indulge in patchwork.
"I am sorry. I hurt you in the past. But there's no guarantee this will happen in future."- Is not good enough. I did it. Many times. Not OK with it anymore.
I'd rather snap out of my bad behavior till the time I can actually become a better person. Than repeat saying sorry.
Is not easy :-)
It's like- you cry - tears flow. Then blood flows and then everything dries up.
What's left is leftovers after the life flows out.
That's the magic number.
I know I wont remember the date.
But I shall align the event today that led to 5 with my daughter's birthday next week.
It's supposed to be a good moment.
And yet... I feel numb and exhausted.
One day, I shall celebrate with someone special. Soon enough hopefully.
Sea view.
Dark night.
Abating hustle and bustle of the city.
Solitude.
A glass of wine.
Some piping hot fresh biryani.
Illayaraja's music.
If that is not heaven, I dont know what else is.
I survived today I say.
Another day gets by.
Cheers!
When I was at school- I remember calling in the 50th independence day of India. We used pen torches to switch on the light- and in the darkness all of us kids were standing like we were the Indian map.
The audience said it was beautiful. I was a bit lost but I was right there in the centre of celebration- singing patriotic songs in a group etc.
I cant believe 25 years passed since then. Sometimes- I still feel that somewhere life does happen. And we dont realize it.
And I am trying to really try an get into a habit of writing something every single day. Even if it is not great.
I met a friend of mine from 11th Standard. We used to sit on the same bench. We ate Pav bhaji and exchanged stories of our life over lemon grass tea.
I am unsure as to why lemon grass tea was important :-).. So we were sipping this and mostly she spoke about her story.
When it was my turn- there was nothing much. Not much of a story.
I wonder if that's a good or a bad thing.
What's my story?
Imagine this.
Today- I was in a car driving at Chennai on ECR (still in the city).
A classic case of road rage- a car was constantly honking behind us for around 100 m. And they started bullying us by banging the windshield with their hands. Yea- quite scary.
We halted. They halted. And 4 men come out- drag my car's driver. And beat him up till he bled. No- I am not kidding.
And I tried to intervene- and they said (and picture this in the middle of the road around 2.30 PM) with so many people around me in Tamil: "If I am not careful, they'll rape me".
I buckled under the threat. I was worried. I stopped intervening. I am an asshole. On the day it mattered, I could not help the driver much because I was scared. The by standers then stepped in to help. By then the 4 just hopped on to the car and left.
I was shocked. I was worried. I was scared. I froze. I could'nt believe someone would do all that and threaten me with rape and walk away. That's the safety we have on our roads. Truly.
But the post is not that. This incident should have taken up a lot of my mind space post that. I should have spoken about it to someone about the threat. I couldnt. It still scares me as i write this. And yet- i could think of no one to talk about my fears.
I realized just how lonely I was.
Loneliness is more painful than the incident.
The saving grace is the driver is now much better. He will live.
In my eyes...
When you squeeze other person's neck
And think... that you are feeling breathless.
When you get into a spiral- unwillingly and unknowingly
And you feel you are just going down with no hopes of rising
And then you hope.... hope that life gets better.
You think you are positive.
You think life will get better because all things need time and patience to improve.
We all feel guilty and blame ourselves when the other person beats us up- emotionally, physically or otherwise.
We all wonder "why" someone did it. We never think that no matter "why", beating is wrong.
THAT!
I am going thru a growth spurt...
Maybe into my 40s now :-)...
I am aging and I can feel it.
Teaching me new lessons in adulting.
I had to record the second day of my life as an adult- after yday, I say!
Life seems easier- although a bit difficult. What a paradox.
One day the tears dry up.
On that day.... You see the world without the sheen.
You see the world as it is.
And there's no more tears.. Not because there's no one to wipe them.
But because- you killed someone who caused those tears.
I always felt that as long as your parents are alive- you are a kid. To someone in this universe.
But..... But....
There comes a day when you feel you are no more a kid. Somewhere deep inside- something clicks in place.
On that day- you see the juvenile bits in you. And get embarrassed a bit about it. Laugh it off. And walk off picking pieces that were your droppings.
Taking responsibility and accountability of each and every piece of shit that you dropped. Makes sense?
I feel grown up today. Like for real. Not just because I hit puberty 25 years ago. But because I saw something in my life today- that I decided to take charge of.
Obviously it needs to go into a post for my posterity. I want to be able to look back at this post, and smile. And think of the courage and conviction I had to sit thru some chats.
Well- I called a spade a spade. And for that- you need to grow up. Because the world will also call you a spade- and it doesnt matter.
I like!
the series.
I thought hard about it. I am not a great writer. But why not?
I decided to start a series of chapters on my experience with love, life and pain. Nothing special about it. Something that everyone feels- but just a bit of my perspective.
I am toying with the idea.
What should happen when you watch a movie?
Ideally- you should get into the skin of the character. And then your heart should fill up with whatever the character is going thru.
SO much that post the movie- it is very hard to shrug away the character- so much that it reminds you of a part of who you are. So much that it reminds you that you are a human being who is flawed. And that's OK.
Well- that's what Seeta Ramam did to me. Full marks and more to Dulquer. There's a reason he continues to be one of my most fav actors. Full marks to the DOP. Full marks and more to music and cinematography. The writer completely hit the ball out of the park- I mean what awesome writing. It has been ages since I heard dialogues that were so witty and poetic and landed perfect.
What else? Reminds me of greatness. And reminds me of stuff that I miss in life.
I feel this from the bottom of the hearts.
Somewhere when men were made- there was a mistake. A most definite mistake.
It reflects till today- their EQ is terrible.
Buggers lack empathy, compassion AND skills.
All they bring to the table is ego and arrogance. And their manhood.
Is when you apologize profusely for most things you do and say.
There's some freedom that's already gone.
I could kill to have a chat. Some banter.
The silence already killed by a half.
I am sure it is a great opportunity to play charades. With ourselves and with one another.
In our duet- we unite.
The toughest feeling to endure in our lives is probably estrangement (of course I am not counting cancer or any other terminal disease). Estrangement for me is extremely painful and stressful.
The tiniest of the things you see or do or hear or feel- your mind goes on a mental trip. It does indeed squeeze your heart and soul. It stirs. It moves. Everything around you suddenly feels void because you suddenly realize that there are many things that have an anecdote. A shared meaning.
On certain days- from soap that you use to the dress you wear- all of it carries some memory and that causes a heaviness. A sad feeling of comfort. That there are so many parts of the leftovers. And so many memories.
And then the voice. Even when I think of it- like now- there's nothing much to do but to feel the wetness of your cheek.
Aeons passed. And yet the ugly truth is here to stay. Grief is real. We all need space and time to mourn our losses. But the loss is not going away anytime :-). It is here to stay. It happened. And we now live with it.
I thought my friend was mad when she said it is difficult to accept loss. Her son passed away and she should know.
But knowing that my son is alive and estranged- that's a strange loss.
We are also pregnant. Our good news is called "Silence".
I am growing fatter with our silence.
I am happy that there is a part of you that's growing inside me.
5 days and counting.
A strange sense of loss prevails. There was something to gain for someone.
Balancing act of the universe, I say!
If there was one ragam you have to choose to emote love all the way... No matter how you sing it: It has to be Behag.
Straight in my list of top 20 fav ragas...
I mean- listen to ANYONE including a novice humming/singing any song in this raga- you will feel love.
Thinking of a past/present love? Tune in to Behag.
You shall smile :-) and feel. Louves ma all the way :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpoMFE5hrsc
Listen to TMK thinking of love.
I love the night sky. I love the moon. And everything the sky presents in the night. It is dramatic. There's the dance of the stars. The hide and seek of the ever restless moon. My moon.
And the intense darkness- my most fav part. The infinite darkness and expanse with no boundaries.
Here is the thing about the night skies. They are not just glorious. They are a tease.
Waxing and the waning moon constantly playing hide and seek. The stars that twinkle and keep blinking by their moods.
The clouds that just come and go when they want to. And the utter stillness of the sky/space despite the never ending motion of everything around it.
What a brilliant space to be!
Everything is in motion. And yet- neither the stars nor the moon- none of them are going to go away.
They will continue their dance and drama in an almost predictable pattern infinitely.
Just like our lives. There's not much of a difference.
I am but just one of the stars. Or sometimes the moon. Or the sky. But we are all going around each other. None of us will go away. Unless we die. Just like the death of the stars.
What a wonderful world!
On a night like this:
I cant help but ponder over a battle of views that i had with a dear friend on music.
Of course we have diverse tastes. My exposure to music is lot less than him.
And yet- when I shut my eyes and listen to what I like..... I am moved. I feel. I weep. I smile. All drama. :-) All sorts of emotions go thru me and I can experience my life much better in that moment.
Now pause.
The music he likes- I am sure that's what he feels too.
The question is... All we have to do is shut our eyes and listen to what we like. Outcomes broadly are the same I believe.
And yet- we try and tell each other why our music is better.
No art is greater than the feeling we experience.
And no artist is greater than the art itself.
That's a valuable insight I got today. I aint gonna make fun of folks who dance to the tunes of Jatin lalit I say.
I might have blogged about this brilliant movie in the past- or maybe it was just in my head.
But...
Leave Kamal's brilliant performance. Leave Andi mazhai pozhigirathu- even if it is difficult to leave :-)
But pause. A dramatic long sigh.
And listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0OpIPrAfDA
The BGM of this movie is a signature piece that's sure to raise goose bumps every fk-ing single time you listen to it.
I do wish the recording/sound quality is far better than the original- but someone pls pls listen to me and make that damn effort. It is worth it.
Where else would pantuvarali sound so divine?
Where else do you see people falling in love? Not just in the shot where MAdhavi falls in love with Kamal I say.
I fell in love too.
Well... blush blush- if you know me- you will know I have a crusshhh (blushhh) on Sikkil.
His smile and his voice.
Yato hastah- thatho drishti
Yatho dristhi- thatho manaha
Yatho manah- thatho bhaavaha
Yatho bhavah- thatho rasaha
Only when your vision, mind and expressions intersect- that sweet spot can move your emotion/you.
This is exactly what dance is supposed to do.
Natya shastra teaches interesting things. Almost tells you stuff that's otherwise obvious but is oblivious because of our lack of wisdom.
What is dance, you ask?
Kante naalanbaye geetham
Hasthe na artham pradarshayeth
Chakshubhyam darshayeth bhaavam
Paadabhyam thaalam aachareth.
When a song comes out of the throat chakra, your hands show the meaning of the lyric.
The eyes show the expression of the mood and the emotion.
And the feet- they follow a rhythm.
That's the rhythm of life. A place to engage all your senses to experience the moment.
And... this is life.
Natya shasthra is beautiful and full of wisdom.
One day...
Oru naal.
I will stop saying it.
The joke is on me. :-)
One day- I shall elope with myself.
DNI.
A symbol that many of the folks in my college connected with.
Me.
A force. Truly.
I voiced my opinions. I voiced my rage. I corrected things where it mattered.
I was not just spewing venom.
And then.... I became a slave to my salary. And lifestyle.
Today- A home and family became more important to me than my values. I said it.
I dont much believe in affirmations or stating my mission or purpose etc.I dont believe in talking about them.
But of late- I noticed that the world around me believes that these conversations help people move ahead in a bizarre way. Like be better connected to other people.
I wonder how? But here is an attempt at articulating them. What do I want from my life?
1. Dignity
2. Respect
3. Means to live- monies, home etc.
I lost dignity many a times. I lost respect for myself in my own eyes- I have been terrible at standing up and fighting for myself.
More importantly- I defend others more than myself.
I rationalize a lot of shit. That's just me. I cant live in this world otherwise.
Sometimes.... I feel these moments where past, present and future merge. Like an amalgamated moment. Yes- it is possible. Like I feel now.
I still have vivid feelings of how past felt- not like a memory but more of present. And I know this moment that I am in now- will drive the next moment which I am predicting will be exactly the same. Get the picture?
When I want to- I can carry the shadows of my past to eternity without having to change either my current or future. That curve can exist.
How peculiar we all are? We carry our lives with imagining time as a vector that is real.
It is as imaginary as our thoughts.
Shadows... They are real.
Once upon a time...
I met someone. And there were sparks every damn minute. There was no boredom or dearth of love. The space was oozing of togetherness.
Love was dark. And happy.
He died. Today it dawned. With light came the realization that life was happier when it was dark.
He died in darkness- a happy man. And I got stuck with light.
Is a strange fellow indeed. I almost feel this is what keeps the world going round and round. No really.
It makes us do funny things when we are in pain. And when we are not- we think of the pain and then do funny things all over again.
Physical wounds may sometimes heal. Atleast time makes us numb it. what remains is the memory of that pain. See what I mean??
I still remember the memory of such pain. When I was in grade 9- akin to saying fk-off, one of my teachers asked me to explicitly get out of the class. Here's the thing. In my view I have not done anything that warrants such an extreme step. And for me telling someone to fk-off is that extreme.
It is not my ego that caused pain. It is the feeling of being left out. It is the feeling of not being included. Or asked explicitly to be excluded that does it.
I still wonder what was it that went so wrong that the teacher never really even asked me the entire context.
Unsaid things will always remain unsaid. The pain of being left out?? Well- I am fking off indeed.
Sometimes- I do believe there comes a day when we do feel like going back.
Most of the times I dont. I believe that tells me how my life has been. A glimpse of it rarely makes me feel like going back. But.... These days- I feel maybe- a few points are worth re-visiting.
These U-turns give a better perspective to how we view the present.
I said it.. I said it.. :-)
Louve is in the air. I can feel it.
It feels good. :-)
Hell yeah- I said it.
And how do you write when your heart breaks?
When you are numb?
When you realize you are alone in this whole wide world- where every single person you know has a family who stick together no matter what? Criminal or not- they will stick together.
Good enough for everything else. Just not convenient enough to live with.
Yea- the heart breaks. Even if the message is unintentional.
Burns. And sees no smoke. Shows no smoke.
On a day like today, I am wondering where my life wandered.
Where was this person who could look people in the eye and tell them to fk off?
Where did the person vanish- who had the confidence to walk away and well hell- show the finger with a smile?
Who tamed me? Really!
Poetess in always on fire.
I shall only singe. And sing. And burn.
But the source of the smoke shall always vanish.
Just like a portion of me. A potion. Of me.
Sometimes, we seek answers even when we know what they would be. Even when we know we wont/dont like them. And yet- we seek that clarity.
Just to ensure there are no assumptions. Nothing is left for a guess. No stone is un-turned to see if that fk up was just a slip. Or that it never happened.
But it happened. And I have the assurance that the answer I heard that I am unable to fathom or digest is indeed that.
Well- the words are said. I am not surprised. And yet- I wish I were surprised. Just the one time.
Has been wild and short.
And then I became a confused person.
Between my imagination and his creativity, I became someone who I dont recognize.
Who am I? The thought comes often to my mind.
My own sweet affair with love. With myself.
There were series of incidents. That were unfortunate.
That is definitely a reality. It is not figment of my imagination.
There are wounds and scars that hasn't healed. Time has made me forget. But not heal.
Fate threw a challenge at me. Questioning the premise of those wounds. And scars.
Are those wounds real? I showed the scars.
Are those scars the truth? I was at a loss of words.
Fate was questioning the reality. The truth of my reality.
Maybe- the reality was created by me. Maybe- that's the truth of this universe.
Where do I begin?
Maybe at the beginning :-)...
Where I was born with a concrete building in my backyard- it was real.
But I lived in an illusion.
Then I built my house of cards. An illusion. And thought it was real. My illusion was real.
Someone tried to blow up my house of cards. My illusion. My reality.
Where is my concrete house? I dont seem to find it.
Perhaps. One day. I shall stumble upon it again.
Oh heck- I am living in it. And yet I dont feel the strength of concrete under my finger tips.
Only the elusive breeze.
I must be mad. Stoned.
