In the night sky, my partner has been the moon. When I say partner- I mean my lover. Moon is my lover. I said it :-)
But... today, I realized that I am just a Star. I was a super star in moon's eye. Or so I thought. But when I saw and truly looked at the night sky, I realized I was not the only one.
There were many stars that my moon had around him. I realized I was just a younger star. There were older stars. Much before me.
I am just a star to my beloved moon.
A shooting star.
Heck I am.
I am telling myself today that I am worth it.
I am. I am bloody worth it.
And I don deserve stupid treatment.
It's time I got my ego back and it's time to stop begging/pining/requesting or explaining.
I am a free girl today.
I am signing up for my life. It's a free world. Free will.
I am not sucking up any ass.
I have been told:
Contextually I am "uninterested, unwilling and/or non committed" to let's say a problem statement.
And then contextually, I am "intrusive and controversial".
And then in the past- "abusive, manipulative"
And then- some more- indulging in "smear campaigns" on people. Where I have lightly used very careless words and judgments about someone. In public forums.
All of this is contextual.
I feel I dont even know who I am. Am I this person?
What happened to this fool who fell in love with the moon?
Women are suckers.
They expect things that are otherwise taken for granted. Actually should be taken for granted. Not like entitlement- but as equal partners in the relationship.
I have views.
An equal relationship means- certain boundaries are mutual (this is coming from a person who said she doesnt care about boundaries). There was a certain beauty and charm to that person in the past. But now- I will not only define my boundaries- I shall also expect that other person to state and sign off on those boundaries.
An equal relationship means- treating the other person by atleast your average bar of good behaviour. Not that there's a below average relationship rules for you and other set of rules which look better to others.
An equal relationship means- being secure and transparent and fair to the other person. If you know I am a monogamous player- dont play with my mind. Those games are not going to go down well. Being intentionally ambiguous to the other person just because you are uncomfortable- makes me feel like only you are in this relationship.
Heck- I could go on. So... women are suckers. We need a man to make us happier.
But men- they dont really need women. If they are available- it's great. If they are not- well- that's ok too.
An equal relationship- lastly, means that both the partners are in the game together. They feel the same way about each other and they understand each other and their reactions and they help each of them get better by being around for them. Not by constantly criticising them.
So... I played both the sides. I am not the victim here. I have been the abusive partner. But- I dont know how to get better. Heck- I beat myself up for a long time. Now- I am just going to give up. It is easier.
I give up. I am done.
Sometimes we have to pay a price to see for ourselves, who we really are.
Many people tell us how we are. But.. do we have the ability to filter the feedback?
I dont. I grew up trying to satisfy my dad and get him to tell me, "I am good" about something.
It takes a lifetime to know that my dad's never going to say it. Infact he will only keep giving me critical feedback because that's who he is.
He is always critical of me. He thinks this will help me become better. One day- I will see all the flaws of my dad without the blindspots.
On that day- I will look my dad in the eye and tell him, "Fk off".
Yea- I did it today.
I feel good about it. In a strange sense- I feel relieved. That I dont have to run the race of impressing him anymore.
The race is over. I dont care what he thinks of me. I dont care who wins. I dont care. Period.
Off writing to writing off...
The journey begins again.
Falters. But yea- will trudge along.
