And because I have to 'keep' this on my blog- To Alice.

Oh, I don't know why she's leaving, 
Or where she's gonna go, 
I guess she's got her reasons, 
But I just don't want to know, 
'Cos for twenty-four years 
I've been living next door to Alice.


Smokie said these a lot of decades, actually more than a century later. Lewis C figured who the fk Alice was much before that. And how!! Stoned or not, he did a fab job. I can spend hours reading and re-reading Alice in the wonderland. I almost believe if people understood this book, there would be no more warring in this world for the sake of power. Really believe it.

"If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.” 

And read this:

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” 

I cant tell you the number of times I thought of 'me' this way. Over the years I changed- for better or worse, time will tell. Theory of relativity will tell. But Lewis figured it for Alice long time ago.

I wont attempt writing the review of this book, mainly because I wouldn't know to end it. I wouldn't even know to stop it. But I will try and re-write some of my fav lines of this book.

“Have I gone mad?
Im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are.” 

“Alice:How long is forever? White Rabbit:Sometimes, just one second.”   
I couldn't have told the answer better than the white rabbit. I really could not have. Take a pat on your rump White rabbit. You are not only clever but also wise.

“My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.” 

Queen of hearts- Take a bow. This is the race I chose to run in and struggling. I know the answer. 

“Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.” 

I love it too. No one can control me in my mind. Its 'mine' own. :-)

I cant write enough about the book as I mentioned. I cant read it enough either. After the book you would also wonder and hum "Alice?? Who the fk is Alice??" Wouldn't blame Smokie. 

Lewis C- Please please take a bow and a kiss on your feet. I do love you- enough!!! :-)

Predictable state of my mind

Contrary to all beliefs, I think I am fairly predictable where my state of mind is concerned.

If you were a part of my family, you would know that I have an OCD about cleanliness. Yes, I exactly need to have everything in their designated place and have a place for every thing that enters my home. If I dont know where to place certain object (or people too- ouch!), they dont enter my house.

Any clutter that I see at home will reflect my mind immediately and I can feel my mind cluttered. My emotions cluttered. Thats how bad my OCD is.

Stay away from me. :-) Totally not worth it.

My father... Let my country awake

Another trip to Delhi. The feeling of insecurity and the feeling of being unsafe in the city just emphasizes yet again. 

Not that I faced anything bad or out of the ordinary. Infact I dont have any data points to back me up on this. Its just a qualitative hunch. Gut instinct that keeps telling you time and again to run. Take a flight. 

I could have easily walked away from places where there is hazaar security. The amount of 'watching' and staring as if you were an alien is just ridiculous. To the point that even when you collect all the wits and stare back hard, the lookers still wont look away. Unfortunately when they refuse to look away, they have won a psychological war over me.

An astrologer once mentioned to me that my dad is my strength. :-) I did free ride over him all my life and still continue doing so. If I can still step into places like Hyd and Delhi it is only because my father is around somewhere watching my back. But father, please let my country awake. 

Nagila...- Alaipayuthey

Hear this fab song in full volume of your-whatever-range of sound system.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHu-T6s5_u0 

 I love the song... I love the video. I loved Madhavan. I am in love with the girl... Her name is SHalini. She acted in 2 or 3 movies (to my knowledge) and married the actor Ajith (Tam actor)...

They are both so natural and so not conscious of themselves.. Very dancy song for me.. If I were a dancer or atleast even if I were a wee bit comfy about the idea of me dancing, I will dirty dance to this- easily.

A sharp contrast to the song in Hindi that Rani Mukherjee and the joker Ash's ex by friend... And the song was murdered in Hindi by both the singer and the BGM adaptation.

The song in tam was sung by SP Charan- SPB's sonny. I love his voice for this song.

In short. Please watch it and tell me what you think?

Indolence

I figured more than half of my problems are because I'm a lazy bum. But I want to be like this for the rest of my life. Not the problems bit, but the laziness bit.

Someone please take up the entire ghar ka work and operational load from me. I will just go make money and win the proverbial bread and butter. I will be a happy camper. That in itself will make my world a better place to be.

Only I will not call me lazy. I shall be known indolent. It almost sounds classy. :-)

The case of the missing ring

Oh the ring looked absolutely stunning on her finger. A solitaire. Curiosity killed the feline and he walked up to her and asked her where she sourced the ring? Was it an engagement ring? If so, can she ask the fiance where he got it for her?

She looked at him puzzled and lost at the engagement bit. He still looked at her hopefully. She realized he was still expecting a response. Snapping out of her reverie she told him there was no engagement really. A bit dazed he again looked at her and then asked her about the ring. He ignored the broken engagement bit.

A week ago there was a sapphire. A big dazzling, royal blue rock. The finger did feel heavy with the weight. But the relationship felt heavier. She walked along the streets of Kalaghoda when she saw this solitaire ring and thought why not? The only doubt in her head then was that the ring was as heavy in weight as her previous one. Infact it was a few grams heavier than the royal blue.

After pondering a few moments that felt like aeons, she bought the ring. The sapphire ring found its way into the sea like the 'Queen of oceans'. Solitaire replaced the empty space on the finger.

A week passed by. The finger almost felt naked despite the heavy ring. For once she fondly looked at the purchase she made for herself. The moment was almost symbolic and metaphoric. She gave him a bright smile that reflected her spirit.

And then told him where she bought the ring. Some moons ago and some seas away, she bought the ring with whatever life was left in her.

Beautiful Hamsanaadam

Both lil K and I love Hamsanaadham (meaning Swan's call/voice) as a raga. She probably doesn't understand the ragam but she loves all the songs of this ragam.While they are more classical and beautiful compositions in this raga, lil K loves the song here.

The song has some fab lyrics. It's a typical gult wedding song for a girl. Typical in a lot of angles, but the song stands the sands of time. Raj Koti did some fantastic music in this movie. I love almost all the songs and my fav ones are this one and another one in Durbari Kaanada sung by Yeshudas.

Coming back to the song, wont bother tranlating the enitre song, but the first two lines should be a great random sample for a testimonial.

"Muddula Jaanaki pelliki mabbula pallaki thevalane,
aasala rekkala hamsalu pallaki mosuku povalane"

Roughly translates to:

"Bring a pallanquin made of clouds for pretty Janaki (Seetha's) wedding
And swans with wings made of wishes and hope will bear (carry) it"

I so wonder lil K understands the meaning too! :-) Here's to Hamsa naadam. And to know more about the raga some of the signature songs are:

1. Om Namaha Idayathai Thirudathe
2. Hamsa Naadhamo pilupo (Check the BGM of this song- It's my fav, esp the transition between the pallavi and charanam)
3. Classical song- Bantu reethi koluvu
4.   Thendral Vanthu ennai thodum

Talking is overrated

It really is. In my view when someone tells us talking solves problems, I will vehemently disagree. I disagree because nobody, and nobody absolutely will have the honesty to talk and solve problems. The inches will never be gained.

Talking involves more than one person. Picture this. If even as a person you talk to your self , to your body, your mind and soul, you know it's never the truth. You cant (atleast I cant) admit the stark naked truth to your own self.

When we cant admit things to ourselves, how in the hell would we be able to manage a conversation to solve problems? I am truly cutting myself off from the world. I know the friends who I stopped talking to. Really close friends. I do care for them still. Worry for them. But unfortunately I am not a great person to be with right now. I need to sort myself before I make a full on entry into the people/social scenario again.

I feel the restlessness creeping in. Yet again. Last time it did not help me. I am sure as hell that this time it wont help me either. And no, this is not my rant about what is wrong with the world. This is my rant about confused statue of mind. A place where you really dont know if you are running the right race. And even if it is right, this time for a change you just dont feel like running anymore. But because you soo like this race, you just want to walk along the track when others are running. Is that slacking?

Talking- pah! who needs it? Losers like me dont. And cant ever do it right anyway. Lots of stakes. But well, the gamble was made. And I am lost. I think I will lose. But this time, I am not OK to lose. I am not prepared. I cant let my soul die.

The chimera that died

Where is the limit? Sky? Beyond sky? What are the last few inches we fight for? Where are they? Ultimately I have my home. I have my boundaries and there is safety in these boundaries. Sometimes you get away from the safety. You crave for uncertainty. Good or bad? You need open spaces. You need wider areas.

Death hits you in the boundaries. No wonder most of the dead find their way home underground. I am not dead. I wander around in the universe. I truly believe i am earth's kid. But I am more dead. There is no resting in peace in being a little more dead unfortunately.

Where else do you find peace? Not here, not there. Neither up, nor down. It's just never there anywhere. Was never there anyway. The chimera. It died.

The man who ate the blue whale

Admitting to personal failures is not difficult. Ok, it's a bit difficult but there- I said it. I do admit that I failed in a lot of stuff. Problem is I never learn the lesson.

Yet another failure. And another day of indigestion. Unfortunately life moves on leaving  bit of itself in the burial ground.

So then... Does a new life come into picture? Did the man who tried swallowing the blue whale live?

Check boxes

There are check boxes and there are check boxes in life. Obviously a lot of us want them all checked at some point(s) before the soul gives up.

Serendipity is strange. Sometimes there are invisible check boxes that star in the list. The best thing about these boxes are they get checked the minute they become visible. 

Oh, the list!! Why can't we operate like this? 

Wistfully,

Yours truly.

Life moves on...

Picture this... I sit with my laptop frantically searching for words and tying a plot together. And yes, I am sitting by myself. Lil K is sleeping. Husband is at work. I have the house to myself pretty much. For a second or third person, the atmosphere around looks quite peaceful, silent and serene. Perfect setting really to think and write that story that is lurking somewhere within my soul.

I type the first word and then I can 'feel' lil K wailing in her sleep. I put the lappy aside and rush to check on her. She is sleeping like any other baby does- like a baby. I am almost slightly disappointed that she did not need me. I go back to the lappy and I look at the first word and again pick up the previous train of thought.. Wait a min.. Where was I?? Aaah, the first word.

So I try typing the second word- an article now. Easy peasy. Did I smell something burning in the air? Was that fact of reality around me? Or was it the fiction cooking in my mind? I again rush into the kitchen to make sure it is not in the real world. I sigh in relief that it is not real. But the relief is obviously short lived. I come back to my second word. If clutter could be defined then one would just need to peep in my head. You'll find it.

Again, I try and get back to the third word. By then I lost my train of thought. Did I hear a click of door? Is the husband back from work? How was his day today? Bloody why is my work stressing me out? Why cant I speed up my last few meters when swimming? Oh shit!! The cook gave me marching orders. Is the maid going to come tomorrow atleast? What do I give lil K in her box for snack break?  Is my dad's health going to be ok? I hope my mom gets her promo this year atleast- it's long overdue. When would my bro get a decent job? When am I going to get out of the peer pressure? Why did the maternity break cost me so much? Is it fair that I take *so much* of pay cut and struggle to come back to what market owes the mean population? When, oh when will I reduce the last 5 kilos of weight? You see the baby is out 5 years ago. And more importantly there is nothing inside me now to justify the 5 month old paunch.

Get the drift? When will I find my mind space to write? And more importantly graduate to finishing the book that I have never started so far?

The Great Bath

Exactly 6 years ago I went to this place called Bath in the UK. It's a place where there are these huge great Roman baths constructed with stone and have hot geysers flowing through.

Romans I thought were conservative folks, but these baths are meant to for community bathing too. Ahem, Ahem- still conservative?? Atleast no, by our own desi standards. The place is beautiful. The colors of the water is astounding. Truly a sight that is etched in my head forever. I still remember how I imagined being in it when I saw it the first time. It truly felt royal.

The heat and the swirls of the water is enough to get anyone to sleep on the floor of the bath. If there is a place that I 'd like to visit again, it has to be the great bath.

As a side track conversation btw, Jane Austen lived in Bath for a few years before she died. An incomplete story in tow, she was also depressed in the place. I wonder why?

Incomplete story... maketh does not anyone's life. It is just unfair. She writes beautifully according to me. The books have spunk. I wonder why she gave up on life at 41.