Within all of us I believe, exists.
A hint of rebellion that comes in- at workplace for that boss- where all of us want to stand up to.. And couldnt do.
At home- when you want to stand up against your parents, or spouse.
At random places one earth when you see something that is against your values- you always want to rebel.
You want to stand up for the supposed victim and ensure justice prevails. That's what it is when people stand on roads with candles for rape victims.
That's what happens when you see red flags on the road for uplifting poor with benefits.
To equalize that goal.
And yet- there's only one goalie that we all look towards. The one.
No no.. not to get laid :-)
We end up, as an example, having a life together for a decade- and yet we make no plans.
Lots of past. Little present. No future. Plans I mean.
Another decade is rolling by.
We are not alive forever. Its now or never.
I doubt..
Sometimes- the sweet anticipation crawls into anxiety. And then cancer.
We dont control anything in this universe.
Not even our hearts.
Not even mine.
So.. I consider myself super fortunate. I have seen some of the best times of my life so far.
I feel very blessed for these times.
But I also know that my time on earth is limited.
I have also seen some of the worst times.
Sometimes, I wonder- if I was fortunate indeed?
Some days- I feel, I should just have times. That are slow. That's it. Not good or bad.
Just there.
I figured.. of all the carrots that the spouses/partners and the bosses throw at you- one interesting carrot is playing around what you want.
Let;s say you really need a house.
Bosses will keep throwing house carrots at you- "slog now and you might just get that bonus in the coming year". And you get suckered. Possibility- nil.
Partners could probably say- "honey, focus on the now. who knows when we can get that house- maybe in an year or so- but no one can predict". Probability- almost 0.
I mean 100% marks for logic.
But my head? Between all the carrot dangled at me- I am sipping mango juice. Without sugar. And with lots of ice.
As he was sipping on his coffee, I said, "I am in love".
He spluttered. sputtered. And then stuttered. And asked, "What did you say?"
"I said I am in louve, my boy"..
He continued sipping his coffee......
She was still grinning. At 70, life was fun.
Today was tough.
Like cough up blood kinda tough.
Breathlessness and anxiety keeps me awake.
But life did slide a lot more today.
I lost friend(s), job and monies.
I lost sleep, and health.
I am still alive. And yet- I wonder why?
I need to clean up the blood.
I am trying to see the moon today- and it has only been a cloudy night.
Has been for a long time. Or so it feels.
One day- my moon will come. It will.
:-)
I am smiling. I am the sucker type. Which means I pray to every goddamn thing in this universe. To a stone on the roadside to that tree which looks weird. Everything is god. And everything else around me is capable of giving me what I want. Except that I dont have that faith in myself.
yea- you read it right. I will have faith in everything else around me except myself.
I am not praying to my nemesis too. On an hourly basis.
You are asking me what I am praying for??? That too to my nemesis?
:-):-)
Not dark.
Not like an end.
It looks like fear.
Fear that it goes down further low.
What goes on comes around.. So on.. So on..
Today- it is funny. I swore I wont talk to a few people way back around 7 years ago. And today- I had to talk to each of them in trying circumstances.
Someone upstairs is hopefully finding this amusing. Atleast I hope.
So... yea- never say never.
I try!
So I lost my job, love, health, wealth and will- all of them, this month.
Yea- I am positive :-)
When there's nothing else to lose, there is a very strange sense of peace that prevails.
I love it!
I love the bus rides that sometimes dont go to the place you wanted to go.
Or the flights that were wrongly booked. You wanted to go to London- and you accidentally ended up booking for the US? Well hell babes- that's what I want :-)
Sometimes- life does make emptiness sound exciting.
I love the plum cake.. Nuts soaked in the rum for 3 months.. yumm.... And when you take the first bite- not too sweet. A little sharp. A lil bitter. And then a burst of sour flavor of the plums...
Today.. I miss my friend. And the christmas cake.
And the evil laughter. The banter. Another era.
Another lifetime. I say.
I try and count my blessings now.... On days like this esp... On a very sunny and a very hot Chennai afty, all I can think of is look at the sea coast and get lost in my spirals.
I am not god. I am, but a mere human being. I make mistakes. I try and trust again. I swear.
But life isnt getting any simpler. I am not growing old wiser. There's a gap.
I cant but see my scars magnified. All I see- they are the flaws. I am truly lost in my layers.
Am I so terrible a human being? Isnt there no goodness left over? Within me and outside of me? In the universe?
Show me. I want to hope.
That it will rain soon.
The pain is real. But heck, that's not the thing.
When you think of the moon and keep wondering if people are seeing the same moon- you know you lost it.
And suddenly when you gasp for breath, you realize that your body actually forgot to breathe for sometime.
And the gasping breath- it stinks.
I know what I am doing. And why I am doing it.
I do. :-)
I will do it despite everything else. And I will drop it despite everything.
So there.
I am out. I am out..... Who's in town, I say? Let's paint it off red. Every single day.
We all live our entire lifetime- most times, in an illusion we create about ourselves.
A perception we hold about ourselves- about how we are.
Then.. one day, there comes a person/people who show us the mirror. And we on that day, we are forced to see ourselves. And all the ugly glory.
On the day... sometimes, it feels like we shouldnt have met these people who show us the mirror. Atleast death would have been peaceful.
But..... what you see, cannot be unseen. For the rest of our lives, we live with this ugly glory. And wonder what to do with it.
Are the people who us the truth about ourselves, our guardian angels?
Sometimes it's so funny. Life I mean.
Like someone around is still capable of laughing at us despite all the tears.
When we want to purge memories- things that are related to these memories keep popping up all the time. And you wonder- who is playing the cosmic joke.
Like... I wanted to forget moon. For all the stories that happened under the moon's watch. And yet- the smiling and shining moon keeps coming into my face from up there.
How's one supposed to purge? Them memories I mean?
Moon doesnt belong to the universe. No sir. :-)
In my lunatic head- my relationship with moon is very personal and private and monopolistic.
Heck yea- moon is mine. My moon face also knows this.
I am the one fool on this earth who will look for the moon daily to see which part of the sky it dwells on on that day. No matter what the size is :-)... Size doesnt matter with my moon face.
And on the new moon days..... I miss my moon terribly. Those days- is the space day. Like he will rest and come back for me in a fresh and happier form. All on a reset.
Just that- these days the nights are cloudy. Rainy season is very grim. The dark clouds dont let my moon face appear.
New moon gave me hope that my moon would re-appear the next day.
But the clouds? They just hide him. I know he is around and yet I cant see him.
Can he?
No.. Unfortunately the post has nothing to do with the title.
I was talking to a dear friend- who said she was off to Europe to nurse her broken heart.
Europe is actually romantic and I had half a heart to tell her she chose the wrong place. And only realized she finished all her bookings.
So.....
speaking of broken hearts- hers is not the only one. It seems to be a season where the pieces are ripe for picking. Of hearts, I mean.
I knew you were there..
Before you were there.
I knew you were there....
After you were there.
I know. You.
Someone gave me gyan on Friday- that women become clingy and needy in a relationship. And that's a big turn off for men.
Like that last nail on my coffin- it came with a resounding thud.
So.. clingy and needy huh?? :-)
Better luck next time- my dear friendly readers. There's no next time for me.
I am exhausted.
The long wails are heart wrenching. And gut too.
I thought I was imagining. But it is true. The pillow was wet.
And I lost my sleep.
I lost interest in whatever little I used to write about earlier.
I know I am not a great writer. But someone told me that I should keep writing. Even if it's bad quality. That consistency is more important to generate some good quality writing.
I kept at it. On this blog. mostly atleast.
Someone dear told me I give my state of mind away in my blogs. I didnt feel like writing after that.
I was angry. I was putting myself out here- with honesty. It doesnt matter if it is indeed my state of mind. I want to attempt to keep writing. Even if it's bad quality shit.
Who says, state of mind is bad anyway?
Today- someone told me that I am a very strong woman and that I am very balanced (yea- well :-)).
They had a few kind words to say. About me. (I mean...... :-))
I should be happy, no?
Instead- I got out very confused. Am I?
Am I all that they said about me?
Well- the answer lies closer home.
