Ankur is gone...

 We struggled to get him a pair of lungs so he could have had a transplant. We raised the monies.

His body didnt want to be with us anymore. I guess his spirit gave up on this big bad world filled with virus.

He breathed his last. Leaving before a 2 year old kid. No value absolutely to the 1 Cr monies we raised. It didnt matter anymore.

I live amidst hatred and rejection. Our mortality sure is the last thing on our minds. We love the games we play with each other more than anything else.

Our egos will let us believe we will be here forever.

Ankur is dead. Long live our ego.

Fam crisis

My better half and I-  we are both going thru a difficult situation. We realize the bond only when we pass difficult times.

Fear can be a bridge to re-connect two people. 

Crisis is a strange thing. It is time to remind ourselves that we are fortunate souls who are still breathing. In front of this, nothing else matters. 

Not a crisis. Not fear. Not other people. It is the togetherness that shows hope. I am glad we are together. That means a lot to me.

It just re-defines a relationship. Past becomes irrelevant. These are interesting times indeed for us.

Gates.... B Gates

 For the past 2 decades (the first time I heard his name was when I was in 8th grade), here is a name that made me feel that somethings are too good to be true.

I know most of us have him as a role model. For me- he was not. But I didnt have a solid reason as to why he was'nt. There were strong under currents in my gut that told me something was truly off with the guy.

I have no business judging his divorce (and I am not!). The post is about him using his position of power to make passes.

I have a huge problem with that intent. What I wondered was why did it take so many years for this to come out? How nicely he covered his tracks. I wonder about each story.

And I ALWAYS felt there was something that people missed.

We are all a bunch of idiots and fools who will get addicted to a persona that someone wants to show. One can only truly improve if he/she is able to tell and measure the difference of who they truly are to who they want to project they are. 

As I said we love what other's show us. And that's where we will all stick to. We will never be able to stand naked in front of even ourselves. 

And yet- we believe we will have 1500 friends/followers on social media and think that;s life.

When do we realize that it is a faux world where people only show a side which they want to show? It is the best side. The most charming side. Not the real side. 

Reality begins at home. Needs to be corrected at home. Gates is a solid example. 

Betrayal. And the dish best served cold.

 Is revenge the only way to overcome the sense of betrayal?

I wonder at times, if betrayal and revenge are all real emotions? At a time when we are fighting pandemic, and when all hands SHOULD be on the deck, here we are- looking and re-looking at our friends and enemies.

The so-called wise people are slowly showing cracks. The so-called people with strong views slowly realize that their views may not have always been right.

The so-called kind and compassionate people have faltered with intent (Gates- and that's another post). Despite my knowing that nothing is in my control, I cant but wonder at the cruelty of the human race. 

We are not conscious of our actions. Each of our actions will have a repercussion that most of the times we dont realize. And that's where communication helps.

It is sometimes good to pause to realize our mistakes in life. And if we do realize them, then atleast we may never repeat. 

Someone said spontaneous? Well- that's not an excuse for bad behavior. Ever. 

Even a spontaneous moment- if gone wrong, no matter what the reason is- should be backed with an unconditional apology that comes because someone means it. 

The feeling of betrayal and my own anger will one day eat me up alive. You can rationalize many things but we can neither reconcile nor understand it completely. 

Crumbling homes

 Today, I am breathing. Still. I am grateful.

Yet- here I am- writing out of sadness and anger. World is a strange place full of inequalities. Some of us have it more, some of us have it less.

But the hope to normalize this to an average will never happen. I wont make any brushing statements that I am a better human being. That'll make me a bigot. 

There are enough of them who live in this world. Are bigots wrong? 

Imagine this- human beings will enrage on Twitter about how people have privilege etc. And then in their lives, they will naturally assume a role that will come with a position of power. And have a rationale to it. 

THAT. 

As people die around me, I have come to a stage where I am bothered only about my life and nothing else. So when people ask me, "how are you and family doing?"- I say: "I am fine. Alive. I used to think my HUGE extended family is a family- till my second cousins. But now. I am just saying it is the three of us. and our immediate parents.'. And on a day like today, it is just me. 

As the lives crumble all around me, my glass house is becoming thicker and stronger for my own defense. Out of fear. 

I shall breathe. For the night. 

Despite my best friend's father's death. Despite the fact that I couldnt go to meet him and be there with him and drown our sorrows together. 

A sniff. And a deep breath.

 I never defended my anger. This does not mean I support it.

I am aware of it. I am conscious of it. I understand it.

I swore to myself I will move on from writing. Atleast not here.

And yet- here I am. A person has to lick her wounds somewhere.

We cant always live in a world where we cover up our wounds and flaws. My best friend lost his dad. I feel angry. 

A major shift in my personal life. A situation that we are trying to manage and failing. And yet- here I am. What keeps me moving ahead on days like this is the gratitude that I am alive. And breathing.

For the first time in my life, i am feeling my breath. And that's the only ultimate truth today. That's what keeps the dead apart from life.