The day I stopped being...

There is a straight 7 year patch in my life that I hate to revisit. 14 to 21.
I just wished sincerely at times that these years never ever happened in my life.

I met someone last week and that reminded me of my wars at 17.

I have only one line to describe that war. Live your life around 1200 people who resented you for 4 years- continuously. Imagine- no home. Just this jail. And 4 years of resentment. And 1200 students. Teaching and the non teaching staff- from sweepers to the top guy. Every. Single. One.

Against this one- Me.

I stopped being. 

And I have become a monkey...

The phone ring awakened me from a deep slumber that was induced by a marathon session of well- you know what! A lady never kisses and tells.

The problem with certain bells is that it throws you into reality. A reality that you'd deeply begin to loathe. I woke up gingerly. And went into my own world. Of loneliness. And of reality.

I realized I would never be a part of my own home. A home that I lovingly built. Every brick of hardwork and affection all broke apart. 

And I also realized I will never have another home.  A mistake that I made with open eyes- maybe with a bit of wisdom too. Maybe it was called a choice. A home was a place that everyone guarded with their life. And more than life.

I assumed there'd be one or two like me. I made the wrong assumptions- not for the first time. But this choice.... Aaaaah. :-) This choice makes me weep out of sadness. 

I just wish......... Sigh. 

I became a monkey. Yes, I did. 

Our views and opinions

I met a gentleman on a flight to Delhi a few days back. Looked very sophisticated and had a happy chat with me thru out the flight. And them wrote me a very nice note (those notes really make you smile). I am not writing the contents of the note, but he and I met again very recently again. He then mentioned to me that who we become are broadly because of our experiences and what we stand for- opinions and views.

I pondered about that statement. Not that I dont know- but think about it hard. Is that who we all are? Have become a slave to our own thought processes? Doesnt this make us more and more confined and narrow in our minds?

Like 3 days back I was talking to another friend who mocked at my taste in music. Nudging me that there's better music around the world. I listened to the song he played to prove his point. And I agreed. There's better music. There's better books. There's better many things. I wont debate on it. My taste in a lot of things are terrible too (if I had to pick a scale). Yes- I grew up with different exposure and I still try and learn. Hear stuff.

What I dont get is to make the creator responsible for not creating beautiful things. It is unfair to haul him/her up and tell them that they can experiment more. They are mere human beings end of the day. They have the same set of weaknesses (if not more) as another human being. Same set of insecurities- only scale is different. Like if you have an EMI of a 3 bhk in Blr, then chances are that guy also has an EMI of his mansion in LA.

We are the "rasikas" who would review to death but will never budge from our high stands to see what real human beings are like. We will continue to judge them. Continue to beat them for not making good music or writing good books.

Like I dont like Chetan Bhagat- but I must admit that I found Five point someone very very related to my life at that point in time. Yes- the book is terribly written. But did not resonate with me- the subject I mean..? Yes the story eventually communicated to me. Does this make Bhagat a good writer? No. Does this make him a good story teller- A big fk-ing YES.

Same goes to a much talked movie- Arjun Reddy. Is Sandeep Reddy Vanga a good guy or a bad guy? I couldnt care less. Honestly. Does he make good movies- No. Is he a good film maker? A big fk-ing yes. He knows how to tell a story on a motion medium. He has the engagement of an audience for 3 hours.

Our world has become so obsessed with saying and doing the right things and so clinical that we forget sometimes that we are as flawed as the other person. We may have the right to review, but we dont have a right to judge another person for their values or lack of them. My point being this will only restrict our happiness and approach to life. We become more and more closed.

On a day like today, I have to admit that sometimes I go with the crowd sourced opinions to make me look more sophisticated and dont admit to a few things. I mean that is a problem with these psedo intellectual types. They would make you sound like an idiot for liking something that's very common.

Am I an idiot, then??? Oh yes. :-) A very happy one at that. I still find them gujju songs that they play at Dandiya a LOT of fun. 

Meditation called eating

There have been many instances where people laughed, stared, mocked, appreciated, and ridiculed when they saw me eat. They wondered why I wouldnt lift my head as I eat (from my hostel days in college) to folks who wondered why I liked eating alone in school (didnt like sharing so stuck to my own dubba and my own self) to why I still prefer eating by myself even today. There was somebody who took pains to explain to me that eating is/was a social activity. Is it?? I wonder.

Then there are people who laughed at my OCD about using particular utensils for a certain set of activities. There are those who were amused that I change cutlery for different food (use fresh ones for change of a course of a meal if I were not eating with my hand). There are those who think I am too narrow minded because I have issues about eating from someone else's plate or someone else touching my food. Yes- I hate it. I said it. :-) Oh- and then there's another set of people who think i waste mental cycles by keeping so many things in mind about food and react when it doesnt happen to my convenience or comfort.

I felt like explaining this to one or two people- about the madness in the activity called eating. Honestly did. But decided against it because I didnt feel they'd ever see my point of view- and what's more- they dont have to.

Food is life for me. It matters to me that I eat and treat it with respect. There is a difference in my eyes- when you tear a piece of bread and gobble it up vs you look at it, feel happy and then tear that bread. Food is blessed. It cannot be eaten (according to me) if we feel unhappy or sad or if there's terrible company (or company you dont enjoy esp in that moment). And yes- I dont eat when I am angry. I feel that food wont help me or vice versa.

It matters to me that a particular ladle is used to serve a particular type of food. In my own head, they are related emotionally to each other (and yes- I am that mad). So- no, you cant take the rasam ladle and use it to serve rice because in my head, neither rice nor rasam nor the ladle would enjoy that experience.

Yes- I dont like sharing food. Sharing food is an intimate experience and I need to know that food has been prepared by those who lovingly made it to cater to my needs. And yes- I am that mental about eating. Yes- I dont prefer raising my head while I am eating because it matters to me that each grain on my plate feels that they are touched by me and each grain on my plate should bless me. I dont want to miss out on a single blessing that the plate has in store for me. And yes- I take a lot of time while eating because I feel lost in the act of eating. I am lost in the taste, the texture and the whole experience of giving life to my body through an important aspect- eating.

Why, pray tell me- is eating not a meditative experience? It's not like I am telling my neighbor or friends to do exactly the same while eating. And of course- not all meals are like this. Unfortunately I live in a social world where all people want to do is mock at another person for their values or lack of them. But hey- we are democratic. Arent we?

I would love to tell you all to start eating like this- but I wont. There is no benefit or advantages of eating like this. Except heart ache that people sometimes dont get you. But. :-)

Indignation Vs Indifference

While both are different means, in my view they achieve same result. Nothing.