Ganesha- obviously is one of my most my fav gods... I always celebrate his bday with a lot of happiness. He signifies happiness and new beginnings for me. Always. So it is inevitable that I would resurface atleast once a year in the worst case. This year- has been a worst year that way. And yes- he gives me strength to resurface.
Here's to new beginnings I say- bring on the spirits.
Ganesha.... Truly. I like him. Fond of him. Like my bruh. My buddy. Like me. I think of him all the time. In sickness and health. Happiness and sadness :-)
Siva- Now him... Complicated guy. Is a philosophy in himself. A subject. Not easy. And yet- I louve him.
Started listening to Rudram, Makam and Chamakam. I love it. There's some vibes... Totally real. I can feel it in my nerves. A strange and a special high.
Is an interesting exercise.
Challenge is you may not really like the outcomes.
The delta of who you want to be vs who you are- is the challenge.
In my case- the process is currently in the present continuous space- and I cant really say it is a good outcome. Not something that I like. But not something that I can un-see.
And in need of a break. A proper one. A few days atleast.
How difficult is it? Very very difficult.
A friend of my today- completed half marathon. What's so special about it? Well- the fact that he could do it after the ankle surgery amazes me.
He was on a strict diet and focused on his stamina. And celebrated his run with a drink today- after ages.
I felt good for him. I want to feel good about myself too. I really need to start shedding the kilos and reducing stress. I have to get away from being a pre-diabetic and pre-hypertension candidate.
I need to shed.
I am going to make it up.
For a few losses. That I have caused.
Thats' what today is about.
And the fact that it is Saturday and I get a great holiday tomo. Sunday it is!
Yay! My own private pizza pawwty with some Netflix. Life's good.
I think I met of them (let's call him Gabriel) on the flight back home today :-)
What interesting life.
Is evident in the fact that I couldn't keep my family together.
It smashed to pieces on my watch.
This I shall carry to my grave.
I often thought (in my very limited experience) that heart breaks are about rejection.
How wrong was I.
Heart breaks are about loss of companionship, death of a bond that was very real. Then loneliness. And then emptiness. The numbness.
When numbness wears off- then you see a living hell.
That's what they are. In a strange way- our heart seeks this kind of "peace".
The heart truly breaks. And the drama is all true.
Life has to move on. But the direction is very different. Suddenly we change course. That's what I was unprepared for.
With a lot of devotion, reverence, love, care, lust, respect..... you get the point?
That's meditation. A lot of stuff happens and yet nothing really tangible comes out.
That's the time I feel everything and yet nothing.
Like you are one with the universe and yet- you are ... you.
My tears... they are salty. I kiss like I pray.
Chennai for me is a city of love. Like Paris. :-)
Yea- it;s sweaty, hot and grimy. And yet..... It represents love.
Carnatic music, the sea and Kanjeevaram silks. Of course I love.
But more than anything, it is the city where I saw a lot of love.
The romantic one. Lot of memories. Of places.
The beach. Murugan Idly shop where we ate till we would have been dead with food overload.
Some memories- even if we want them to go away- they never do.
OMG....
I cant not forget a single moment of the birth. You made me a mom! Whoever thought I can be a mom and have a rockstar kiddo like you.
Almost undeserving I say.
I louuuve you to moon and back my soon to be a teen baby!!! :-) :-)
A familiar pang of heart ache struck me as I walked along the beach.
We held hands and gazed at each other lovingly. With longing. Of the evening that was still young and of the night that held promises.
Today. I was walking by myself and missed the shadow that held my hand. But as I walked felt dizzy. And there was immense pressure on my chest. I couldnt breathe. I had to sit and get my breath back. But somehow the heaviness stayed.
I took a call to reach out to a doctor friend who was still in the hospital. The unfamiliar equipment of his clinic intimidated me. The heaviness only increased. I was disoriented. I thought it was the last moment in my life. I wanted to trade all that I had for 5 min of life.
Dr Friend immediately did a quick check on all vitals. Pushed a bit here. Prodded a bit there.
Suddenly I knew I did a few things right. Many things wrong. But that moment- none of this mattered. None. Zilch. All I wanted was to go peacefully if it was a call. I wanted to go back to the beach. And let the waves take their natural course.
Turns out my heart is trying to pump blood harder than usual. High blood pressure in simple parlance. I am 38. Obviously my heart broke. Dr F told me this is reversible as it is still in stage 1.
Here s the difficult part- with so much of heaviness in my own life, how do I get things right?
I wonder. Maybe popping the pill to regulate blood is the right thing to do. Very depressing to see my life beginning to degenerate earlier than average.
I hope I will have the strength to do a U-turn.
I just realized with so many people around me, I still chose not to share: yet again. I am choosing loneliness in the name of solitude.
Love is difficult.
Honesty even more so.
But figured it helps things move ahead. Either make or break I mean :-)
You cant not take a decision. Once you throw the bomb of honesty- there is no looking back :-):-)
The journey is here to stay. And so- watch the nuclear reaction of infinite half lives.
Of late, I figured how important it is to express. In the way you want to. Naturally. Like going along with the flow.
Writing has been that for me. In the last few weeks, it helped me collate, collect, consolidate and analyse my thoughts much better. This exercise also helps me clear the clutter in my head. It also helps in regulating rage I sometimes have in reaction to a few events.
Point is: I am able to identify a few things for what they might be. Like the only absolute way that there could be to see a set of events.
I apologize. As a habit. Out of sadness. Out of anger. Out of kindness. Remorse. Regret. I apologize for many things. Sometimes unwarranted too.
I still do because I feel it has the power to drive peace. And for that peace- I am OK doing what is needed.
Sometimes... I think apologies are wasted and shows how we repeat our mistakes. The value of sorry then becomes zero. Unfortunately- it is never enough. And we should never abuse the power of sorry.
Sorry is not a tool to drive peace or moderate a discussion. The power of sorry lies in strengthening a situation in a positive direction where there is genuine remorse and guilt and an ability to snap out of the bad habit.
it helps move us forward. Not indulge in patchwork.
"I am sorry. I hurt you in the past. But there's no guarantee this will happen in future."- Is not good enough. I did it. Many times. Not OK with it anymore.
I'd rather snap out of my bad behavior till the time I can actually become a better person. Than repeat saying sorry.
Is not easy :-)
It's like- you cry - tears flow. Then blood flows and then everything dries up.
What's left is leftovers after the life flows out.
That's the magic number.
I know I wont remember the date.
But I shall align the event today that led to 5 with my daughter's birthday next week.
It's supposed to be a good moment.
And yet... I feel numb and exhausted.
One day, I shall celebrate with someone special. Soon enough hopefully.
Sea view.
Dark night.
Abating hustle and bustle of the city.
Solitude.
A glass of wine.
Some piping hot fresh biryani.
Illayaraja's music.
If that is not heaven, I dont know what else is.
I survived today I say.
Another day gets by.
Cheers!
When I was at school- I remember calling in the 50th independence day of India. We used pen torches to switch on the light- and in the darkness all of us kids were standing like we were the Indian map.
The audience said it was beautiful. I was a bit lost but I was right there in the centre of celebration- singing patriotic songs in a group etc.
I cant believe 25 years passed since then. Sometimes- I still feel that somewhere life does happen. And we dont realize it.
And I am trying to really try an get into a habit of writing something every single day. Even if it is not great.
I met a friend of mine from 11th Standard. We used to sit on the same bench. We ate Pav bhaji and exchanged stories of our life over lemon grass tea.
I am unsure as to why lemon grass tea was important :-).. So we were sipping this and mostly she spoke about her story.
When it was my turn- there was nothing much. Not much of a story.
I wonder if that's a good or a bad thing.
What's my story?
Imagine this.
Today- I was in a car driving at Chennai on ECR (still in the city).
A classic case of road rage- a car was constantly honking behind us for around 100 m. And they started bullying us by banging the windshield with their hands. Yea- quite scary.
We halted. They halted. And 4 men come out- drag my car's driver. And beat him up till he bled. No- I am not kidding.
And I tried to intervene- and they said (and picture this in the middle of the road around 2.30 PM) with so many people around me in Tamil: "If I am not careful, they'll rape me".
I buckled under the threat. I was worried. I stopped intervening. I am an asshole. On the day it mattered, I could not help the driver much because I was scared. The by standers then stepped in to help. By then the 4 just hopped on to the car and left.
I was shocked. I was worried. I was scared. I froze. I could'nt believe someone would do all that and threaten me with rape and walk away. That's the safety we have on our roads. Truly.
But the post is not that. This incident should have taken up a lot of my mind space post that. I should have spoken about it to someone about the threat. I couldnt. It still scares me as i write this. And yet- i could think of no one to talk about my fears.
I realized just how lonely I was.
Loneliness is more painful than the incident.
The saving grace is the driver is now much better. He will live.
In my eyes...
When you squeeze other person's neck
And think... that you are feeling breathless.
When you get into a spiral- unwillingly and unknowingly
And you feel you are just going down with no hopes of rising
And then you hope.... hope that life gets better.
You think you are positive.
You think life will get better because all things need time and patience to improve.
We all feel guilty and blame ourselves when the other person beats us up- emotionally, physically or otherwise.
We all wonder "why" someone did it. We never think that no matter "why", beating is wrong.
THAT!
I am going thru a growth spurt...
Maybe into my 40s now :-)...
I am aging and I can feel it.
Teaching me new lessons in adulting.
I had to record the second day of my life as an adult- after yday, I say!
Life seems easier- although a bit difficult. What a paradox.
One day the tears dry up.
On that day.... You see the world without the sheen.
You see the world as it is.
And there's no more tears.. Not because there's no one to wipe them.
But because- you killed someone who caused those tears.
I always felt that as long as your parents are alive- you are a kid. To someone in this universe.
But..... But....
There comes a day when you feel you are no more a kid. Somewhere deep inside- something clicks in place.
On that day- you see the juvenile bits in you. And get embarrassed a bit about it. Laugh it off. And walk off picking pieces that were your droppings.
Taking responsibility and accountability of each and every piece of shit that you dropped. Makes sense?
I feel grown up today. Like for real. Not just because I hit puberty 25 years ago. But because I saw something in my life today- that I decided to take charge of.
Obviously it needs to go into a post for my posterity. I want to be able to look back at this post, and smile. And think of the courage and conviction I had to sit thru some chats.
Well- I called a spade a spade. And for that- you need to grow up. Because the world will also call you a spade- and it doesnt matter.
I like!
the series.
I thought hard about it. I am not a great writer. But why not?
I decided to start a series of chapters on my experience with love, life and pain. Nothing special about it. Something that everyone feels- but just a bit of my perspective.
I am toying with the idea.
What should happen when you watch a movie?
Ideally- you should get into the skin of the character. And then your heart should fill up with whatever the character is going thru.
SO much that post the movie- it is very hard to shrug away the character- so much that it reminds you of a part of who you are. So much that it reminds you that you are a human being who is flawed. And that's OK.
Well- that's what Seeta Ramam did to me. Full marks and more to Dulquer. There's a reason he continues to be one of my most fav actors. Full marks to the DOP. Full marks and more to music and cinematography. The writer completely hit the ball out of the park- I mean what awesome writing. It has been ages since I heard dialogues that were so witty and poetic and landed perfect.
What else? Reminds me of greatness. And reminds me of stuff that I miss in life.
