135 - Another block unravels...

After precisely 3 months I come back to this place which is supposed to be mine and mine alone for all poetic reasons known only to me.

I survived. I have no idea how. I intend to survive for the next few months or years or days. Again, I have no idea how. To say that the last quarter has been hellish is probably an under statement. I died. And decided to come back.

And now I am here, I intend to live for sometime. Live life queen size.

I am back. Yes... I want to be back. 

134 - I have promises to keep...

And miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep.

I am away from sleep by just a few metres. Safely stashed is my aid.

But, I have promises to keep. And I shall live by them. I have 2 fathers. Both of them I protect from me. Both of them I damaged beyond repair. Both of them, I have given trouble to.

Both of them decided distance is better. Both of them told me in their own ways what a brat I have been.

Both of them believed I am flawed but beautiful in their eyes.

Both of them are wilting. And dying. And yet, both of them... They gave up on me. They walked away. To live a little bit of their life.

I couldnt have been happier for them. They made the right decision. I would have hated to live with myself knowing I was eating them up.

Happy fathers' day.

131 - I breathed the last.

Tired of life, today I breathed the last in my metaphysical world.

A worst nightmare after all, eventually came true. Not only have I been judged, but I also got punished this time. If only had I known punishment would be so terrible, I wonder would I have stayed away from the sins I have supposed to have committed to?

Lot of people walked away. It didnt matter. I tried living my life. So, why should it matter today? Life has to move on. Alive or dead. It shall. The only moment of prayer I gave to my soul was a pause. Enough to kill the moment.

Enough of this madness. I move on. Into nothingness. In the hope that I should stumble upon a oasis someday in my desolate desert.

Am I depressed? No, I just feel numb. And I hope it stays that way. I dont take pain killers ever. Dont want to start it now. But I know when the numnbess wears off, I shall be dancing around the gates of hell.

130 - This was my space

And I decided to take a break from this. From my so-called space and place.
Emptiness is not a factor of poetry. Poetry even in the worst of times needs hope. Looks for hope. A sliver of it.

I see the first rains of the season today. I see a lot of curious faces peering out of the windows. Hope of water. Joy of water.

Me? I love the greyness of the sky. Disturbing greys that reflect my broken soul. Soon to be a broken everything. You say hope? Oh no, hope got killed and turned to ashes on a summery morning.

Me? I love the rains too. They are a signature of my overworked eyes.

Me? An empty person who is but an ice berg wrecking happy cruise ships.

Me? A spirit who is but traversing into nothingness today.

Me? Not me. Its the kids. The future. The hope. They live.

Me? Not anymore me. It's just nothingness.

129- Poet.

Neither wanted the morning.

Darkness was more comforting than the brightness of dawn.

127 - Hamsanandi raga

Melancholy. Mystique. Sadness. A strange sense of completion.

That's Hamsanandi.

There are enough movie songs that shows the beauty of this raga.
Putham puthu poo from Dalapathy is probably my most fav. (even better than the Vedam anuvanuvuna naadham from Sagarasangamam).

For those who are better acquainted with the Hindustani/Hindi movie songs, remember Prem Jogan banke from Mughal-e-azam sung by Ustad Bade Ghulam Ali Khan? That's rag Sohini for you. The north India cousin of the carnatic Hamsanandi.

On a day like today, it does cleanse soul.

126 - Thunk. Pound. Just do it.

Running gives me thinking time. Actually it just tires the sh!t out of me. So much that I just need to sit somewhere and concentrate on my breathing. It blanks out everything else. That's how anger seeps out of me. Or atleast that's how I try.

I ran today. I ran like there is no tomorrow. I ran in my head. With my body. As always at a pace where I thought I shall kill myself, I halted.

Today. Nothing gave me solace. What I was running away from did not go away. What I ran towards to was nowhere in sight. The journey was mindless. And the run felt useless. One of those runs where you feel that empty calories burnt. That was never the target. No wonder the calories burnt felt so empty.

On days like this I do wonder what human race runs towards? What is the focus that we all strive towards? Why is society so important?

I am a broken person. I admit to my flaws. I am stubborn and egotistic. Foolish. I am a lot of things negative. I dont share myself beyond my skin. So yea, I dont think like the other 95 percent people do. Dont they call it diversity? Minority? We as a society are never ok to embrace people who think a little differently. We love judging before anything else. When I know I am not going to get acceptance, why am I supposed to be OK with how this society is framed? There is no place for me there.

This. This space is my place. This is my place.

125 - Where is water, mommy?

I turn silent when I am angry. I trust me more in the hands of silence. Everyone including me is safe that way.

When even silence becomes unbearable, nature tells me I need to steam off. Today I looked for shoes. I tried to run bare foot. On a mid summer morning, it is not a great idea. :-) I left home with the darling daughter at 2 PM in the afty to buy me shoes.

Today I walked in the hot sun. I put through my the painful regime for my daughter as well. The heat was scorching and I wondered to check if she would complain. Not a word from her. She was lost in thoughts She just held my hand silently. We walked the roads. Uphill. Downhill. Escaping a dog every now and then. Our reverie distracted by a honk or hoot of a car. We were tired.

She switched on the AC once we reached home and drank water. A whole half a litre of water without putting the bottle down. I felt terrible. She did not need to join me in the regime. It was punishing for me as an adult.

Funnily enough, she helped me. She helped me in her own way by just walking with me in that hot sun. A weird sense of calmness enveloped us.

124 - Cinderella's missing shoes

I bought me new shoes today. Finally.

Long due. I wanted to buy this for some time now. For a long time. Really long. You'd think what's the big deal about shoes? It is a big deal. Shoes have always been a big deal for me. The last one that I had was around 8 years old this year and I bought them in London for 28 pounds. It was big monies for a student. A pound then was around 87 INR. And I used them extensively. Really extensively.

Today. I gave those Nikes away. And bought myself Skechers. Double the cost after 8 years.

I hate to compare but the new pair seem so freaking light on my feet. I ran today and it felt like I was flying. Nikes had become heavy on my ankle. But they were there for me at the time of my need. The lighter ones now? I wont need them as much as I did my older shoes.

Cinderella finally found the lighter shoes to match her feet.

123 - The magic number

What doesn't kill will only make us grow stronger.

I had a rare opportunity today to meet someone at a billing counter of a store in a mall. A soon-to-die 4 year old. If god or universe exists I did wonder why give that 4 years to someone? Why not just kill them before even fertilization?

A child dying is so traumatic for a parent, that it is almost against theory of evolution in my view. Nature is meant to 'make' older people die. Which means the parent generation dies before the kids. That's how the cycle should be. Any other aberration in this will really result in emotional chaos that the world is not ready to repair.

Today some more parts of me died. Beyond repair. I am gone. All that love... All that affection for that child. More than the child, I really feel terrible for the parents too. It is extremely difficult to nurture a child knowing they will not last. The 'hopelessness' of the situation is really challenging. Take a bow all 3 of you at the cash counter. You guys are made of grit and strength.

122 - The last defence

Ever wondered?? I crib about being judged all the time. But I do so sit on a day like this and think. I hear the chirpy birds. The whistle of a cooker. Clanging of utensils. Some joggers.

What if I did have a chance to defend myself ever, what would I do? And I still think. For all the things that mattered in the past, I moved on. I care two hoots to even go back and defend myself. I don't think I operate like that. Neither do I want to. In these cases I have truly moved on. In the cases where I am stuck, I wonder if I want to defend at all. The pack of 5 that we were judged me.  I hurt terribly then. I was judged for being overtly independent and having extended boundaries (in their head it is not having boundaries). And this was a mere judgment. Which came out as a result of a few debates. (As silly as "Having cell phones in college- boon or bane" type topics). I struggled and wondered how unfair the judgment was.

Today, if the other 4 came back to me and 'gave' me that chance to defend, what would I speak? Despite me being stuck, I dont think I would have spoken a word if it were today.
1. The people dont exist for me anymore.
2. I do feel that the trust that was inherent earlier is no more there for me.
3. They took away some parts of me. Callously in my view.

And them? They had their daily problems. They had college like me. Had to attend classes. Study for exams like me. And me? I was stuck so terribly there wondering the unfairness in this universe (yet again) towards me. I couldn't get back to my exams as easily. Or get back to my life so quickly. And worst thing? I had to live along knowing this is what the friends I thought were world to me at that point in time thought of me.

A trust broke. And me? I never learnt a lesson. Someone was right when I said I was foolish and naive. 

121 - Life happens. Hell yeah!

A well wisher reminded me that I am being foolish. I agree.
A friend told me I am an angry person. I agree.
Someone judged me without a chance to defend. I still agree.
I am unsettled and restless. But that's me too.
The last nail in the coffin is hammered. To death.
For one last time I bet. And I did think thousand times. And I lost.

Now? Never.
Why? Silence.
When? Convenience.
Me? The tiny, inconsequential sliver. 

120 - Erik Satie

Every single time I hear this, I get goose bumps. I wonder what Erik Satie was going through in his life for him to compose something as beautifully painful as this.

Satie's life as you find in the world of intenret was not the usual one (and I would bet my entire money that it would have been so). The French composer's personal life was chaos. Internet will tell you that he dies of a drunken stupor. Liver issues.

But heck, I wonder what really ailed him. Broken heart? Unrequited love? Lack of mental peace? It makes my heart bleed when I hear this piece of his. Especially this piece.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUAF3abGY2M

Greatness exists. So much that it comes out only when you can gain the focus back. In his case, I think it was snapping out and accepting that the love was never going to be his. He probably killed a major distraction in his life.

119 - Desiderata- meaning the things that you desire...

Last but the third stanza below sums up me. I love the poem to death. 

I take the please sun quoting the below again. Reading this for some hundredth time. Or maybe more.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

“

”

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".^[1]

117 - Am I bad?

We judge people through out our lives. We also teach how to judge to our next generation as well- based on our boundaries. And likes and dislikes. Which are btw again judgments. And no, I am not being self righteous. I judge too all the time. Every single time it matters.

But wonder what makes a person judge the other person so much that we dont even give a chance to defend? Who gives people this power? Society? Who is society? Does this society come to rescue when you need anything for yourselves? As an example does this society help you when you need money for cancer treatment? In my aunt's case when she was diagnosed some 'good' folks pooled in money. Did hospitals who are part of society reduce fees in the hospi? Not a fking single penny. When 'Nirbhaya' was raped, we raised a hue and cry against this society- by the society. What happened? We had hundreds of other rapes. We did the candle march. The society. Did it help?

What are these boundaries created by this society? And why are these important in my life? So am I now good or bad? I just shunned society. I am bad. Am I? How does it matter anyway? I am just one of the society too. Unfortunately out of the average graph. Agreed- I am weird too. I am wired like that.

I shall say it loudly again- when it matters, none of them will come to our rescue. Not a single one. They are bound by everything we created.

116 - We did win a battle.

I was not one of those academically brilliant students of my time. But yea, I enjoyed my campus life in my under grad days. And my masters as well. I also had big dreams and ambitions for my career as a student. I still do. In our placement season, the competitive me really wanted to crack the day 0. Perhaps then the only thing that mattered which was important in my short term scheme of things.

I never put more fight than that till now. I was extremely focused. So much that I never studied or prepared so hard for even my engineering entrance exams. I wanted a job on day 0 so bad. Now in hindsight, I may debate about whether it was important enough for me to focus so much or not, it was that important for me then. It was not for months or anything. But I did intense prep for 2 short weeks which were long enough looking back. I had to upgrade my math, engg fundaes, physics and most importantly I had to hone my skills at debating.

I still remember the sense of elation I had when I saw my name star in the list. I pumped my fist. I needed the security to back my other dreams that needed a launch pad.

After years, I chose to battle my guts out for a seat for my daughter in one of the schools I badly wanted. A school that I believe will be a right step for her to choose and reach her level of greatness. A place where I believe and trust she will be comfortable enough to let her be happy most of the times. I was behind the school authorities for more than 6 months. I had to pull in lot of strings to get me a slot to talk to the Head. I put shit loads of fight to follow, chase and almost gave up. I was angry too. So angry that I thought some battles are never worth it.

Yesterday when I saw the mail of acceptance I had a very silent moment of elation. I dint pump my fist in the air. But the older me felt happiness. That fights sometimes do get the wins we need. And want. Here's to a long, happy schooling for my children.

115 - James and Alice

I swear by a lot of Mallu movies. I really really do. ore often than not, their movies are fab. Their scripts are water tight. They are laden with thoughts. They are sooo non judgmental in their direction. Actors know their job. Music is not a distraction. Lot of them tell me it is arty. But I have other opinions.

Last week I happened to walk into this movie James and Alice. I wont write the story. It is all over the net anyway. And so are the reviews. Some I agree, most I dont. It is hands down one of the most beautiful movies i have seen in the last few years.

And believe me, I do watch quie a few movies. It is just that my selection of movies is random and I am very particular about what I like if I want to be engaged through out the movie. And I watch most of the movies in the theatres. Oh, and I prefer watching them alone. But I digress. It is not about the movie watching experience or my idiosyncrasies.

It is about letting go in relationships. About how there would still be a chance to make them up in life. About hope. About personal satisfaction. Of importance of selfishness in our lives. The last 5 min is definitely a drag. And the ending I dont necessarily agree. But heck, the whole script in my view is different. We arrived as a civilization if each of us attain some level of realization in that direction.

114 - The running finally stopped

My shoes which were 8 years old till date finally breathed their last. I wanted to take a picture of them to keep it for posterity, but I realized of late, I have been again getting attached to things. Which I consciously wanted to move away from. I dont want to live my life being possessive about anything. For some it comes naturally, and for a few others, it comes with some pain.

Today after battling in a few moments in my head, whether to get it repaired or let them die gracefully, I decided to let the former idea win. Yea- they were damn familiar. They were there with me for most of the important touch points of my life. Memories. Which I don't feel like abandoning. They clutched my fears and helped me run every single time I wanted to in the last 8 years. They held me safe. They made me warm. They gave me comfort.

Yea- they came with me in every single travel that I did in the last 8 years. They saw continents, countries, oceans and the mountains. They saw rains, snow, heat and wind. They saw dust. They went through the grind of the washing machine for their yearly cleaning.

They never made me 'feel' like buying new shoes ever. Even now, for the last few months, I have been procrastinating buying new shoes. It feels like I am giving up a baby and adopting new one, just because my older kid has a bout of sickness.

Today, I realized I need to give up my shoes. I am also giving up a lot of memories. Lot of good things. Lot of comfort. And yet, makes me feel a bit more proud of myself that I am moving those inches closer to my end state. Where I want to live in this world with no worldly attachments.

Rest. In. Silence. My bestest pair of shoes ever. I will never ever forget you ever. And no new shoes are ever going to be with me for this long a time. Nor are they ever going to replace you two. 

113 - When someone said...

Sometimes wisdom comes with age. Or conversely increases with the amount of the so called experience.

What is wisdom worth when you get up and find balls to say, "oh, btw this is not the life I signed up for?"

Screw wisdom. Fk motherhood statements. Did I sign up for this life?

I can show examples which make me feel that, "hell yeah!!! This is what life was meant to be."

112 - New beginnings

When the cracks appear, it does not take long for them to break. Eerily enough, even silence does not help much.

Here is to new beginnings. 

111 - Ekla chalo re...

I am a fan of Rabindra Sangeet. Yea- I dont understand Bengali. But there is something about a language that you connect. Which means, I think I understand the spirit of the song.

There are various verses. Ekla halo re is a more popular one now because of the movie Kahaani. Another view i have is of Big B. I am not a great fan of him in his earlier years. And in the later years I agree he gets somethings right. But I dont like of thinking him as a legend. If a person is long enough on the block, then you learn something (sounds judgmental- but I said it).

But he immensely touched me when he sang this verse of Tagore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VcaiUOmjDQ

I like it that his voice is honest. Sounds sincere. Suits the spirit of the song. You dont need to be a great singer to bring the soul of a song out. He does it with far more ease than the lady here who is a supposedly 'accomplished' singer.

Wouldn't bother listening to this track really, but for a comparison as a example, hear this that Shreya G sang- (the same song)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPqdlR_X1Vk

110 - Where are my answers?

The clock stuck. Life stuck.
I looked for comfort towards water.
Ocean gave me answers. Lakes gave me strength.
Rivers gave me energy. Rains gave me reserve.
Today as I looked towards the horizon of the ocean that was supposed to show me some routes just stared back blankly. It lashed out in anger. It reflected the restlessness of my soul.
But answers? The clever medium refused to give me any. It did not budge. Not an inch.

I got the royal back. :-)

109 - The jumping games

The mentor of the team tried her best to work with people around her. Here are the reactions.

M (mentor)- Jump.
TM 1 (team mate)- "How high??"

M- Jump
TM2- "Why should I?"

M- Jump
TM3- "I dont want to"

M- Jump
TM4- "Fk off"

M- Jump
TM5- <<no reaction, only silence>>
M- Jump.
TM 5- .....................
M- Jump
TM5-...............
M- JUMP!!!
TM5- .........
M- Ok. I get it. Jump when you want to. Jump when you are ready.

TM5- is temporarily relieved. He just transferred the darkness to his mentor.

108 - A judge...

Interesting profession.
Would have been interesting if I had ever been one.
Wait a minute!!! Am I not one???
I did learn from some of the best.

107 : The night called...

Incomplete.

A so-called strong, egotistic and stubborn individual once and only once decided to bend a little. Myopic eyes did not allow a sharp vision. And the vision was interesting enough to bend.

Crunch took quite a bit of effort. The dip was a result of a merger between the tough backbone, the fat overflowing paunch, and most importantly the head. And the myriad emotions that flowed through it.

Vision was beautiful. Completely warranted the bend. But in a few seconds the vision was lost. Vanished into thin air. But the bend stuck forever. Vision was laughing its guts out. Head tried to follow the sound.

But it was all over by then. Just that the emotions were anyway out. The head was already bent. Backbone stayed stiff in the place. The person walked off into eternity- a lost, bent and a 'lost' soul.

Darkness prevailed. Was the vision worth it? Or was the darkness that defined the night better?

There was pleasure in the unknown Beauty in the rhetoric.

106 - When emptiness fills life

There are days that have to be ear marked. Dog eared. Struck on the calendar. Today remains as one such day. A day where dark hope is killed. A day when you realize you cheated yourself all the way along conning your mind into thinking that it was always solitude and never loneliness.

Why now? All the years I survived. And then I saw a rainbow. With more colours than it usually has. What's more? It touched me. It showed me I had company. It followed me like a shadow. I eventually got used to the idea. Who would not? It was a beautiful soul. It allowed me kindly to touch the colours.

It showed me what life was all about. It showed me how empty my solitude was. And then it was the time to fade away. Sunset time. There was hope that it returned the next day. To show and tell me the news of the world it saw in it's wake. The entire horizon. I waited. With a bated breath.

Days passed. Months passed. Each moment was an aeon. The rainbow never surfaced. And then one day when I stopped looking for it, I saw it thru the window of my sleeping quarters. A big, bold and a beautiful rainbow. It smiled at me.

And me? I gave a big 'beeming' smile. Only this time I knew better. The sunset was in less than quarter a day. I lived my life in those few hours.

I was prepared for the emptiness that would hit me again. The world- it did not look so desolate anymore.

The rainbow- it was never mine alone. It belonged to the entire universe. Everyone had their share of it. And me? I learnt to share. And yet, it was my rainbow. That appeared to make me happy and less lonely.

What's more? It was emptiness that filled life eventually. Not another little rainbow.

105 - My place

And yet again, I know my place in this universe.

I wonder what's in store for me? The young yet weary bones tell me through the tea leaves to be wary. And I ponder over again- what's new in that? Am I not wary always?

Of this universe and it's spells? I am as spellbound as the next person with it's magic. Yea- I am trapped. And yea- I don't have a way out.

Oh, and hell yea- I am happy yet heavy.
I am coming out a loser after almost winning an ongoing battle.
So- cheers. Here's to my life. And it's meander- A beautifully twisted one. 

SindhuBhairavi

I re-visited this classical piece on this Sunday morning.

I not only like the raga, but also the movie. I love it to bits.

K. Balachandar from time immemorial (and that's really before my birth) has been making movies around the human psyche. This movie is one of his masterpieces.

I will probably write about this in depth when I get out of my yet another block.

Even as I type these 4 lines, my hands feel heavy and my fingers feel numb. 

103- Dunkins and the Jenkins

My kiddo absolutely loves doughnuts.. Mostly the one with chocolate in and out and some M and Ms or gems on top. They get those in Dunkins and we usually go there once a week to get her excitement rolling and not to mention the chocolate high that I need to endure. :-)

So as always, we get a doughnut and we are sitting and eating happily. The table next to us were a family of 4. Lets call them the Jenkins family (no logic really. It rhymes with Dunkins and it's cheap poetry). Jenkins is a perfect family- 2 kids- a boy and a girl, mommy Jenkins and daddy Jenkins. Between the 4 of them the table was filled with a 6 doughnut box, and each of them had a burger each in their hands (work in progress in mouth)... The tables were so near and Jenkins were so loud that I could hear the conversation so easily- no effort to eavesdrop at all. And I am not usually vain, but entire Jenkins lot was obese and ugly looking.

Daddy Jenkins finished his burger and loved the Chef's special burger so much that he wanted one more (and btw, I love Chef's special burger too with the veggie lot in it).. So he sends his daughter (who is the older of his 2 kids) to the counter. All this is still palatable with me. No judgments so far. Then mama Jenkins starts chiding with daddy. "Daddy J, are you sure you want to eat one more? This is filled with atleast 400 KCals. You have cholesterol issues too." Daddy vehemently, in the typical Indian male, says, "Mama J, I know what I am doing. Dont interfere I say. We come hardly once a week and I want to eat my heart out. Dont nose around. Mind your own business."

Mama is still at it, "Daddy but you drank up twice in the last 3 days and you ate meat 4 times in the last 3 days too. It is not making you any healthier. Please look after your health. You have two kids. Why cant you be more responsible? blah blah.."

By now my daughts finished her doughnut and I lost interest altogether in their conversation. My grouse has always been the same around these things. Let people be. If the daddy is not feeling responsible for his own health, universe has the best model in place.Daddy will suffer. Not anybody else. Remove dependencies. Start getting life back. Mommy J, you spoilt the daddy enough in the last 10 years.

Cheers to the Jenkins!

102- Taste of anger

And a child asked me, how anger tasted?
I took a few moments to think. I should really know. If anyone in the world knew how anger tasted, it had to be me.
I swallowed so much of it over the years. I tried to explain it to the bundle of innocence.

That it tasted bitter in the initial moments, and then tasted of metal, like Mercury. And when you bite it, it reminds you of steel. And when you chew it, it reminds you of raw flesh. When you try and swallow it, the action is so difficult that it reminds you of agony and breathlessness that comes after punching a bag for around 4 hours.

Despite the tear in your throat if you manage to swallow it, it tastes of bile. The worst part about anger is, it remains in your gut forever. The intestines.. they never really manage to digest it. And anger, is so potent that it slowly burns inches- inch after a slow inch.

It burns you down and eats up your waking hours. And then guess what? it eats into your sleep as well. That's the taste of anger. My child.

101- Because the world is weirdly wired

From my eyes, world is always weird.
It embraces something that I abhor.

It believes in the idea of society,
that is defined by rules.

And because the world is weirdly wired,
the gross total happiness is lower.

If each person were responsible for their own happiness,
Oh- what a beautiful and happy world that would be.

As an earth's kid, I shall be responsible for my own hunger,
and its satiation. Weird world. And how!!!

One milestone. 100.

Unsolved problems increase. To a third eye, they can always be resolved so easily. 

The broken trust and the moves only will make a body go wary and grey.

And then there is restlessness. Anger. 

Nothing can be forgotten by the body ever. Time may heal a mind, but never the body. 

A person died today. As long as she lived she was in agony. And when she died, she killed many more people. Including a bit of me.

 

The murderer

There comes a time in every life when you do realize that you have broken something that was important in another person's life. You just go and hack it with the nearest saw. Easy. You see the blood shed. You silently weep yet outwardly laugh.

To realize that you killed someone is one thing. Sometimes its unintentional. Sometimes its intentional. But living with oneself knowing that you violated someone 'unknowingly' is a killer. Someone died some more today. I killed some more of me.

Unfortunately living with a violation is a curse. Be it rape, murder, or killing something as basic as a person's values- living with it is difficult. For both the victim and the instigator. Realization is a killer.

Sometimes the truth is best left untold. Sometimes carrying baggage is easy. 

The Buddha

I wonder... Sometimes the need to walk away in search of silence is strong. The ties keep me rooted to the place.

I wonder... How did the Buddha walk away from his son and wife? Wasn't it because the wife was around to look after the son?

I wonder... If Yashodhara walked away before the man did... Would the man still have walked away?

I wonder... Did the man walk away only because of his wife?

I do wonder at times... What made him walk away? 

A richman's dream

What do the rich dream of? Maybe more money? More happiness definitely?

Where do people get happiness from? Not from other people. Or is it?

Why do we make ourselves indispensable in this world?

Are we really living a life that is fulfilling and lively?

Heck, are we living at all?

Dreams- unlimited and untold will one day just settle down in the mind. They will not create the same restlessness.

Time- is truly a phucking healer. Or so we all would like to believe. The hope, yet again, was only a chimera.

1 became 2

And.. there are things that need to be recorded- big or small for posterity. Today is one of them.

Where 1 became 2.
Where donkeys became tigers.
Where time met money.
and where soul swept further into the abyss.

Where 1 became 2.
Feelings hovered and danced around the rim.
Was it happiness or being dim?
and where the mind just became further numb.

where 1 became 2.
Poetry died further.
What was left then,
was only mashed and mushed vision.

And yet, and hence 1 became 2.

Kafka

And his Milena.

Is bliss.
Kafka has to be god.

My cranky philosophy

A tired traveler after a long odyssey comes to a place he assumes to be home.
Only to realize that the entire household and the family he thinks he belongs to does not recognize him.
He tried to shrug away the disappointment. He tries to be a hero in his eyes.
He is not allowed to be anything but happy in anybody's eyes including his own.
After a few moments of silence, he smiles.
It looked a bit happy and a lot wistful.

Life... it is!!

I am life
I am green in colour.
Death is inevitable.

Weird world...

A snippet from a conversation today.

Me- How are you X??
X-  I am doing ok.. slightly depressed these days.
Me- Why?? All ok? You need help? Why dont you come over? We can meet for sometime.
X- That'll be brilliant. Let me ask my in-laws.

I rest my case.

Not that my life is rocking. But this disturbs me to death. Unfortunately, this is enough to get me disturbed. More fool me.