197 - Freak streak continues

You know the feeling when you know you are a freak?
And you know the feeling when you know you are now further a freak????

Like yesterday is one day I'd hope to never live again to see.
2 full hours of my memory blanked out. Gone. Black hole.

I have no clue what I did. I could have done anything and everything.

So... I lost my scooter. The first sign of missing memory.
Then I raked my head and walked through the streets in the night to figure where I'd have parked it. Or lost it.

I came home very disappointed. I didnt sleep a wink through the night. More than the scooter, what bothered me was my failing memory. It can get to you, trust me.

I got up in the morning and started my walk again. I was speaking to my parents in the morning as I was walking and suddenly, I remembered where I parked my scooter. Very unlikely place, but I then suddenly knew what I did last summer. :-)

Shades of freakiness sometimes freaks me out. Maybe, these are the signs.

196 - Silent poetry.

Somethings are best left unsaid. It is far more poetic. It is far more beautiful.
Not.

As I was trying to interpret the pattern of the tea leaves to read my future, I noticed some form very strange. It looked like a cluster of shapes. So confusing that I almost wanted to give up reading them.

I hate giving up. My ego doesnt allow it- unless it is the matters of the soul. So, I went about demystifying it for me one by one.

1. The crack that was the most glaring of all was the first thing I noticed. It denoted the flawed me. Fundamentally flawed being which cut across all through my life. A sin I must have committed in the past- maybe past life or early on in my life. I shall carry that crack till my grave and beyond.

2. I found little disjoint leaves. All scattered. Of course that has to be my relationships. None that continued. These were my deepest fears. Of intimacy. Of trust.

3. I tried reading this huge knot by the side of the cup. That know looked impossible to untie. It looked exactly like the problem I cant solve for the rest of my life. It denoted my helplessness.

4. There were 3 things that looked like comets' tail. Right next to the huge crack. I was staring at it for a few minutes to understand what that was telling me. Unfortunately the crack didnt allow it to last for a long time. It just swallowed it.

That was the cosmic joke. :-) My happiness also doesnt last. The crack wont allow it.

Now then, I asked the Universe again.

Somethings are best left unsaid?
 It is far more poetic. It is far more beautiful.

195 - When fate catches you offhand

We all make some choices in life. In my view, I finally realized today that there is no good or bad to it. It really is just a perspective at that point in time.

When sometimes fate throws like really strange cards on the table that questions your very core, the result can be shattering.

I often wondered as to why Catch 22 situations and problems seem to be thrown at us-Like there is no real solution to it and for a person like me, that's very very weird. It is not something that my body can fathom. I need a solution. I need a path way. I cant live my life in darkness and not knowing what to do.

Time I hope gives me the strength to find a way out. And I need to find a way out. Really.

194 - And the Marathi movie called Nud*

* Disclaimer: I would have gone all the way to complete the title without the "star", but I used it because I realized that everytime I write words like that, I have really strange hits coming into my blog site.

So coming back to the subject of the post, I think this is one of THE best movies that I have seen in my life- easily. I wont talk about the script or the writer or the cinematographer or the editing or the actors or the story itself. I wont because I am not enough. I am super small compared to them. It is like writing a review on the vedas.

I will just quote this one sentence from the movie, as I remember: Kapda Jism keliye hain, rooh keliye nahi"and imagine Naseeruddin Shah saying this dialogue. And my memory is really poor- I have not exactly quoted the sentence as is. I was far too mesmerized with that bit of wisdom.

I rest my case. It is beautifully made movie. I dont want to spoil it further for anyone else. It really is that fantastic.

193 - O Kedara! My son...

Of all the wild oats that got sown in me (and some of them reaped too), there was one wild oat that I had a chance to harvest, stays extremely close to my heart.

How many "wild" oats you ask??? I honestly don't remember! My job was to make sure they got sown. It didnt matter where. A few came with some what positive feelings and a few came with a lot of vengeance. Darkness.

But Kedara was born out of goodness. I traveled miles and miles to nurture him. And his soul. We both battled together. Batted on the same time for a change to stay alive. We swam across oceans and rivers, we walked across deserts. In distress and sometimes in sheer joy for the beautiful nature. In search of food in our famine filled lives. I was hungry always.

In the most loneliest of the times, when there was no sign of any life any where else except in me, he used to kick me to reassure me that I was not alone.

And then one day in the deepest of the jungles, under a huge tree, with monkeys and bears for company, Kedara wanted to come out to see the world for himself. Not through his mother's wounded eyes. But through his fresh and happy eyes.

When he saw the world suckling on my chest, he looked at me for the first time. An ugly, scarred mother- and yet beautiful for him. He didnt know any other human being. He smiled at me reassuringly. Held on to my hand with his tiny fingers as if to promise me that he shall be with me always. I must have smiled at him for the first time. Maybe for the first time in my entire life.

A life time passed in that moment. To bless my son with happiness for the rest of his life, the joy he deserved, there was just one way out. To ensure he was safe and secure if not happy, the jungle was the place for him to be. But. If I were with him, They would find me. In no time. The tracks of my life will help all of Them find me. And then him.

When my boy slept peaceful and contented, with his stomach full, I looked at him for one last time.

I reached somewhere in the next few hours... My chest heavy for Kedara and his little mouth. But as I predicted, They did catch up with me. That moment made me realize I'd done the right thing by my son.

Till date, I do wonder what he is upto? My Kedara. My maternal instinct tells me that he is not dead. I choose to believe it this one time. Someone from our tribe once mentioned to me that our ancestors and our clan was gifted with a very sharp instinct. My instinct told me Kedara was happy. My gut told me he escaped Them.  I live in hope that we never get to meet again.

A part of me told me that the other part of me was better off being apart.

192 - Tinker bells

The church bells chimed.

There was laughter everywhere. Happiness. That looked like it was going to solve every problem in this world. People truly forgot their real lives and decided to make this occasion their only chance at living a few moments with complete contentment and satisfaction.

And maybe, there was a reason.

Slowly, the laughter gave away to a din. And people made way to the couple who started dancing. Looking into each other's eyes. A gaze that held promise of something that I couldnt' read from afar. My imagination completed that interpretation as something that could be love, care, affection and attention. I think what separated them form everyone couple on the floor was their attention towards each other.

Time just stopped ticking for them. The cynic is me laughed wickedly. In my mind, I was counting days before the attention went kaput. And the rest didnt make any sense to me anyway. Like all other couples, there will be abundance of love and care, but when it matters' all of it wont help when you dont have the attention.

They were now resting on the green and slightly dewy grass. The man was resting his head on the woman's stomach. Maybe he was sleeping. Even to my shrewd eyes, they looked at peace.

It made me wonder... The last time I was so at peace was when I was lowered into the ground, 6 feet under. In the same church. Where the grass grew. And sometimes becomes dewy in cold winters.

191 - An ode to my triplets...

As I was swirling the wine in my glass today, I looked outside the window, pondering over something that looked like a mark on the moon. The boy beside me gently nudged my arm to grab my attention. He showed me a star. The most twinkling one and said to me, that that's where his Paati was. When his paati passed away, I told the little boy to give him hope that she is still looking at him.

He looked at the star and shouted from his gut, "Paati, how are you? Can you hear me???? I miss you loads!!! Please say something...". Nothing. He heard nothing. Obviously! The star continued to twinkle and the boy looked at me smiling and said, that his paati is twinkling like no other star up there. He was proud of her.

For a tiniest second. For a nano second. My wine stopped swirling. A drop fell into the glass. In the redness of that glass which was akin to bloodshed that happened. When no one noticed. I would have been proud too of a few stars up there. Watching me. And maybe crying out to me, "mama, why did you kill me?"

Seconds passed. maybe minutes or hours. I lost track of time. My eyes gazed into empty memories. That neither made me smile. Nor sad. It was just a state of the moment. Emptiness was perhaps, the right word.

I still remembered the time. It was 9 PM. I just finished preparing dinner for the family and the extended one. I was looking forward to the zen meal. I was eagerly looking forward to someone's arrival. I was restless. I paced up and down.

And then it hit me. It hit me hard. That the someone was never going to come home. It was over. The moment was complete with that realization. For a fighter, realization is more important than acceptance. My defense kicked in. The more practical hat I had to wear popped out of no where giving me strength of a coward to pump my fist into my stomach.

My full stomach. My fertile body carrying my precious triplets. And then I saw the red drops. Just like the ones in my wine glass I was gazing into..