Massive news dump... yet again! Not again!

 I suddenly saw the press go gung ho about things not related to B'wood (finally!). I see B.Dut and others back on a massive dumps of news all over with views and opinions, thoughts and feelings. Yawn.

In my head, I mentally started ticking items that deserved this attention. And in our country, that's an easy thing. List goes:

1. B/K/T Wood    2. Politics      3. Rape/ murder/ any other crime     4. All of the above

You cant get us excited about anything else. Honestly, we are that simple. Simple right?? No. Not really.

We are back to protecting women's honor (as if it were a commodity). We are back on the streets (with masks) to protest yet another gang rape. And murder. We are back with our candles. All of it is now templatized. 

I mean who are we? We abuse our women/girls/females at home with an unconscious bias. And yet, we become an indignant clan. The more of this news, the lesser is the empowerment due to "precautions" women must take.

How do we train our daughters to be ready for this world? By telling them to be strong. By telling them to be resilient.

I mean, why do we teach our kids to survive? Why should we be strong to face a crazy world? 

It's just enough to be crazy in a crazy world. Let's not confuse strength and resilience with craziness, exasperation and tiredness.

Sigh. 

And just like that, he is gone

 Taking away with him: Tonnes of memories. Tonnes of moods. Tonnes of everything. Part of me. A very big part of me.

SPB was that guy who grew up with me. Made me fall in love. Out of it. Helped me thru the difficult times. Happy times. A song for every mo.

What else can I say except silently weep my very personal loss? Wherever you are my friend, you will be cherished. Exactly like my son would be. 

I will miss your presence. Your life. I am soo soo glad we both lived in the same era. I am so glad you were around. 

Madam...

 There's this really sweet colleague at work who keeps addressing me as "Madam". :-)

No, it's really amusing. He also smiles when he says it. And so do I. :-) Little things in life that are far better than the ugly truths that happen around in the name of honesty. 

Give me dishonesty anytime bro! I value the fun more. 

Suicide

 I know what suicide feels like. I did mine- professionally, I mean.

Not defending feedback that's thrown at you from all centers, is suicide. Period.

How do you fight with lack of many many things? And all your core values?

When the poetess becomes Kali

 She burns herself. That's what she does. She takes her anger and pours on herself and burn to ashes with reminders of the memories that keep flooding the anger.

Heck- what was I thinking? I was never even in the league.

I have never counted losses. But here I am. I ran away from my hometown 20 years ago to escape reminders. And today I run away again- but this time from myself.

I shall remember this day

 Today shall be a marker in my life.

I have seen difficult days at work. I have seen people thinking I have slept with the boss to go up the ladder. I have seen people thinking I have had it lucky. 

I am writing this today in helplessness that I failed so thoroughly. If I were to pick my own pieces, I will fail miserable to place them back together.

When I walked out of Banking, I thought I saw the worst. I thought I hit the muck. I thought I cant go lower and yet- today, I just did.

It is a difficult life. I walked the path of the shame one too many times. 

These are my choices. And that- is the ugly truth.

Complacency. Ownership. Accountability.

 Throw in hard work. And throw in sleepless nights. Anxiety. 

This is how I built my life. These are the core values I rely on to help me get the push. I have steadily tried to learn. 

And yet- today those are the values that have vanished in me. Someone shook me up so hard that I realized I am not who I am. Or who I think I am. 

Another hard knock. I guess 2020 is strange. If I do come out alive, I guess I will be as thick skinned as the elephant. 

Disintegration is a very harsh phenomenon. I have seen abuse of all shades and types. Everything. And yet- today seems so fresh and new. Even the scars seem raw. 

Atleast I know this is how I'd feel if I were on a ventilator today. That's how much of life and faith that is left over in me.

I also learnt a very important lesson today. By standers and spectators are everywhere in the country. There's Social media, news etc where a chance is provided for the audience to see the circus. But no by stander in the country has balls to stand up and tell a person what they are doing is wrong.

No one. Exactly why rapes still exists. Why people still can arrest on democratic belief. And why glass ceilings still exists.

For an infinite time, I wish I were not born a woman. It's ten times hard to live. No matter what country it is.

My paati's ruby bangles.

I chucked too many things out of my life to feel at peace. I paid a heavy price. But made my choices as of today.

I sleep in tears and wake up with a sense of loss. This is the only truth of my life currently.

I am officially depressed all over. Again. This time though, I am standing by my choices.

It means I am only going to do one job. And stick to it. One sport. And not many. One kid and that's it. I dont hold the theory of all kids are universe's kids and mine too. 

I am drawing boundaries. And will live within them. 

Finally- I am buying a house. I gave up on gold to swap for the house. If you knew me any better, you'd know that's the final nail in my coffin. Bang. 

I crashed and this time- very famously. Like imagine a crowd and many bullets pelted at your direction? Yes, pretty much sums up.

Go life- Bring it in. Douse me with your fire. And ashes shall appear to get me back to the place where I came from. I cant take so much action in my life anymore.

Gone are the ruby bangles I cherished. It's in my memory now like my paati's ruby bangles.