127 - Hamsanandi raga

Melancholy. Mystique. Sadness. A strange sense of completion.

That's Hamsanandi.

There are enough movie songs that shows the beauty of this raga.
Putham puthu poo from Dalapathy is probably my most fav. (even better than the Vedam anuvanuvuna naadham from Sagarasangamam).

For those who are better acquainted with the Hindustani/Hindi movie songs, remember Prem Jogan banke from Mughal-e-azam sung by Ustad Bade Ghulam Ali Khan? That's rag Sohini for you. The north India cousin of the carnatic Hamsanandi.

On a day like today, it does cleanse soul.

126 - Thunk. Pound. Just do it.

Running gives me thinking time. Actually it just tires the sh!t out of me. So much that I just need to sit somewhere and concentrate on my breathing. It blanks out everything else. That's how anger seeps out of me. Or atleast that's how I try.

I ran today. I ran like there is no tomorrow. I ran in my head. With my body. As always at a pace where I thought I shall kill myself, I halted.

Today. Nothing gave me solace. What I was running away from did not go away. What I ran towards to was nowhere in sight. The journey was mindless. And the run felt useless. One of those runs where you feel that empty calories burnt. That was never the target. No wonder the calories burnt felt so empty.

On days like this I do wonder what human race runs towards? What is the focus that we all strive towards? Why is society so important?

I am a broken person. I admit to my flaws. I am stubborn and egotistic. Foolish. I am a lot of things negative. I dont share myself beyond my skin. So yea, I dont think like the other 95 percent people do. Dont they call it diversity? Minority? We as a society are never ok to embrace people who think a little differently. We love judging before anything else. When I know I am not going to get acceptance, why am I supposed to be OK with how this society is framed? There is no place for me there.

This. This space is my place. This is my place.

125 - Where is water, mommy?

I turn silent when I am angry. I trust me more in the hands of silence. Everyone including me is safe that way.

When even silence becomes unbearable, nature tells me I need to steam off. Today I looked for shoes. I tried to run bare foot. On a mid summer morning, it is not a great idea. :-) I left home with the darling daughter at 2 PM in the afty to buy me shoes.

Today I walked in the hot sun. I put through my the painful regime for my daughter as well. The heat was scorching and I wondered to check if she would complain. Not a word from her. She was lost in thoughts She just held my hand silently. We walked the roads. Uphill. Downhill. Escaping a dog every now and then. Our reverie distracted by a honk or hoot of a car. We were tired.

She switched on the AC once we reached home and drank water. A whole half a litre of water without putting the bottle down. I felt terrible. She did not need to join me in the regime. It was punishing for me as an adult.

Funnily enough, she helped me. She helped me in her own way by just walking with me in that hot sun. A weird sense of calmness enveloped us.

124 - Cinderella's missing shoes

I bought me new shoes today. Finally.

Long due. I wanted to buy this for some time now. For a long time. Really long. You'd think what's the big deal about shoes? It is a big deal. Shoes have always been a big deal for me. The last one that I had was around 8 years old this year and I bought them in London for 28 pounds. It was big monies for a student. A pound then was around 87 INR. And I used them extensively. Really extensively.

Today. I gave those Nikes away. And bought myself Skechers. Double the cost after 8 years.

I hate to compare but the new pair seem so freaking light on my feet. I ran today and it felt like I was flying. Nikes had become heavy on my ankle. But they were there for me at the time of my need. The lighter ones now? I wont need them as much as I did my older shoes.

Cinderella finally found the lighter shoes to match her feet.

123 - The magic number

What doesn't kill will only make us grow stronger.

I had a rare opportunity today to meet someone at a billing counter of a store in a mall. A soon-to-die 4 year old. If god or universe exists I did wonder why give that 4 years to someone? Why not just kill them before even fertilization?

A child dying is so traumatic for a parent, that it is almost against theory of evolution in my view. Nature is meant to 'make' older people die. Which means the parent generation dies before the kids. That's how the cycle should be. Any other aberration in this will really result in emotional chaos that the world is not ready to repair.

Today some more parts of me died. Beyond repair. I am gone. All that love... All that affection for that child. More than the child, I really feel terrible for the parents too. It is extremely difficult to nurture a child knowing they will not last. The 'hopelessness' of the situation is really challenging. Take a bow all 3 of you at the cash counter. You guys are made of grit and strength.

122 - The last defence

Ever wondered?? I crib about being judged all the time. But I do so sit on a day like this and think. I hear the chirpy birds. The whistle of a cooker. Clanging of utensils. Some joggers.

What if I did have a chance to defend myself ever, what would I do? And I still think. For all the things that mattered in the past, I moved on. I care two hoots to even go back and defend myself. I don't think I operate like that. Neither do I want to. In these cases I have truly moved on. In the cases where I am stuck, I wonder if I want to defend at all. The pack of 5 that we were judged me.  I hurt terribly then. I was judged for being overtly independent and having extended boundaries (in their head it is not having boundaries). And this was a mere judgment. Which came out as a result of a few debates. (As silly as "Having cell phones in college- boon or bane" type topics). I struggled and wondered how unfair the judgment was.

Today, if the other 4 came back to me and 'gave' me that chance to defend, what would I speak? Despite me being stuck, I dont think I would have spoken a word if it were today.
1. The people dont exist for me anymore.
2. I do feel that the trust that was inherent earlier is no more there for me.
3. They took away some parts of me. Callously in my view.

And them? They had their daily problems. They had college like me. Had to attend classes. Study for exams like me. And me? I was stuck so terribly there wondering the unfairness in this universe (yet again) towards me. I couldn't get back to my exams as easily. Or get back to my life so quickly. And worst thing? I had to live along knowing this is what the friends I thought were world to me at that point in time thought of me.

A trust broke. And me? I never learnt a lesson. Someone was right when I said I was foolish and naive. 

121 - Life happens. Hell yeah!

A well wisher reminded me that I am being foolish. I agree.
A friend told me I am an angry person. I agree.
Someone judged me without a chance to defend. I still agree.
I am unsettled and restless. But that's me too.
The last nail in the coffin is hammered. To death.
For one last time I bet. And I did think thousand times. And I lost.

Now? Never.
Why? Silence.
When? Convenience.
Me? The tiny, inconsequential sliver. 

120 - Erik Satie

Every single time I hear this, I get goose bumps. I wonder what Erik Satie was going through in his life for him to compose something as beautifully painful as this.

Satie's life as you find in the world of intenret was not the usual one (and I would bet my entire money that it would have been so). The French composer's personal life was chaos. Internet will tell you that he dies of a drunken stupor. Liver issues.

But heck, I wonder what really ailed him. Broken heart? Unrequited love? Lack of mental peace? It makes my heart bleed when I hear this piece of his. Especially this piece.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUAF3abGY2M

Greatness exists. So much that it comes out only when you can gain the focus back. In his case, I think it was snapping out and accepting that the love was never going to be his. He probably killed a major distraction in his life.

119 - Desiderata- meaning the things that you desire...

Last but the third stanza below sums up me. I love the poem to death. 

I take the please sun quoting the below again. Reading this for some hundredth time. Or maybe more.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

“

”

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".^[1]

117 - Am I bad?

We judge people through out our lives. We also teach how to judge to our next generation as well- based on our boundaries. And likes and dislikes. Which are btw again judgments. And no, I am not being self righteous. I judge too all the time. Every single time it matters.

But wonder what makes a person judge the other person so much that we dont even give a chance to defend? Who gives people this power? Society? Who is society? Does this society come to rescue when you need anything for yourselves? As an example does this society help you when you need money for cancer treatment? In my aunt's case when she was diagnosed some 'good' folks pooled in money. Did hospitals who are part of society reduce fees in the hospi? Not a fking single penny. When 'Nirbhaya' was raped, we raised a hue and cry against this society- by the society. What happened? We had hundreds of other rapes. We did the candle march. The society. Did it help?

What are these boundaries created by this society? And why are these important in my life? So am I now good or bad? I just shunned society. I am bad. Am I? How does it matter anyway? I am just one of the society too. Unfortunately out of the average graph. Agreed- I am weird too. I am wired like that.

I shall say it loudly again- when it matters, none of them will come to our rescue. Not a single one. They are bound by everything we created.

116 - We did win a battle.

I was not one of those academically brilliant students of my time. But yea, I enjoyed my campus life in my under grad days. And my masters as well. I also had big dreams and ambitions for my career as a student. I still do. In our placement season, the competitive me really wanted to crack the day 0. Perhaps then the only thing that mattered which was important in my short term scheme of things.

I never put more fight than that till now. I was extremely focused. So much that I never studied or prepared so hard for even my engineering entrance exams. I wanted a job on day 0 so bad. Now in hindsight, I may debate about whether it was important enough for me to focus so much or not, it was that important for me then. It was not for months or anything. But I did intense prep for 2 short weeks which were long enough looking back. I had to upgrade my math, engg fundaes, physics and most importantly I had to hone my skills at debating.

I still remember the sense of elation I had when I saw my name star in the list. I pumped my fist. I needed the security to back my other dreams that needed a launch pad.

After years, I chose to battle my guts out for a seat for my daughter in one of the schools I badly wanted. A school that I believe will be a right step for her to choose and reach her level of greatness. A place where I believe and trust she will be comfortable enough to let her be happy most of the times. I was behind the school authorities for more than 6 months. I had to pull in lot of strings to get me a slot to talk to the Head. I put shit loads of fight to follow, chase and almost gave up. I was angry too. So angry that I thought some battles are never worth it.

Yesterday when I saw the mail of acceptance I had a very silent moment of elation. I dint pump my fist in the air. But the older me felt happiness. That fights sometimes do get the wins we need. And want. Here's to a long, happy schooling for my children.

115 - James and Alice

I swear by a lot of Mallu movies. I really really do. ore often than not, their movies are fab. Their scripts are water tight. They are laden with thoughts. They are sooo non judgmental in their direction. Actors know their job. Music is not a distraction. Lot of them tell me it is arty. But I have other opinions.

Last week I happened to walk into this movie James and Alice. I wont write the story. It is all over the net anyway. And so are the reviews. Some I agree, most I dont. It is hands down one of the most beautiful movies i have seen in the last few years.

And believe me, I do watch quie a few movies. It is just that my selection of movies is random and I am very particular about what I like if I want to be engaged through out the movie. And I watch most of the movies in the theatres. Oh, and I prefer watching them alone. But I digress. It is not about the movie watching experience or my idiosyncrasies.

It is about letting go in relationships. About how there would still be a chance to make them up in life. About hope. About personal satisfaction. Of importance of selfishness in our lives. The last 5 min is definitely a drag. And the ending I dont necessarily agree. But heck, the whole script in my view is different. We arrived as a civilization if each of us attain some level of realization in that direction.

114 - The running finally stopped

My shoes which were 8 years old till date finally breathed their last. I wanted to take a picture of them to keep it for posterity, but I realized of late, I have been again getting attached to things. Which I consciously wanted to move away from. I dont want to live my life being possessive about anything. For some it comes naturally, and for a few others, it comes with some pain.

Today after battling in a few moments in my head, whether to get it repaired or let them die gracefully, I decided to let the former idea win. Yea- they were damn familiar. They were there with me for most of the important touch points of my life. Memories. Which I don't feel like abandoning. They clutched my fears and helped me run every single time I wanted to in the last 8 years. They held me safe. They made me warm. They gave me comfort.

Yea- they came with me in every single travel that I did in the last 8 years. They saw continents, countries, oceans and the mountains. They saw rains, snow, heat and wind. They saw dust. They went through the grind of the washing machine for their yearly cleaning.

They never made me 'feel' like buying new shoes ever. Even now, for the last few months, I have been procrastinating buying new shoes. It feels like I am giving up a baby and adopting new one, just because my older kid has a bout of sickness.

Today, I realized I need to give up my shoes. I am also giving up a lot of memories. Lot of good things. Lot of comfort. And yet, makes me feel a bit more proud of myself that I am moving those inches closer to my end state. Where I want to live in this world with no worldly attachments.

Rest. In. Silence. My bestest pair of shoes ever. I will never ever forget you ever. And no new shoes are ever going to be with me for this long a time. Nor are they ever going to replace you two. 

113 - When someone said...

Sometimes wisdom comes with age. Or conversely increases with the amount of the so called experience.

What is wisdom worth when you get up and find balls to say, "oh, btw this is not the life I signed up for?"

Screw wisdom. Fk motherhood statements. Did I sign up for this life?

I can show examples which make me feel that, "hell yeah!!! This is what life was meant to be."

112 - New beginnings

When the cracks appear, it does not take long for them to break. Eerily enough, even silence does not help much.

Here is to new beginnings.