Why are Indian men difficult ?

 Yea yea- I know...  If there's a man reading this, you'd go, "what a sexist" or "there goes another male basher".. or "you are generalizing".

So.. if you dont fit the bill as written by me- then you need to write in to me. We should do a coffee date. :-) So there.

Now.... Indian men... A very privileged and entitled species. Mother's delight. Insurance of the parents. Apple of the family's eye. A person to who a cup of coffee or a glass of water will land in their hands- without even asking. I mean- the telepathy is fantastic. Imagine- you are thinking of water and a glass of water lands in your palm...That's the first sign.

A person who grows up to 10 or even 15 (if not more) without ever holding a broom. Or a mop cloth. Or make something for themselves. Usually. So life skills are a choice for them. Really. Because- if they dont choose to learn, then it's OK- we will get the poor boy married and she will take the slack.

Let's talk about emotional balance. Actually let's not. It is a far cry from where we are. They are all over the place.We basically feed their ego- spoil them to bits and then leave them on the road to work or live their life. Result: It's terrible. Imagine you have to deal with a collective ego of men at one place? Yea. THAT.

So-how do they live (off) their life? They depend heavily on people around them (now- that's OK- nothing wrong). It is off when they dont know or are aware of the fact the people around them are 'helping' them and not dancing to these men's tunes. It's the feeling that it is their right that people do what ideally should be done by themselves. That is my problem.

Let's pause. In India- even if you consider yourselves as a liberated male species- and if you choose to turn a blind eye to the privilege you are born with (whether you like it or not)- if you dont recognize that the privilege is coming at a cost to the women in this country- you need to pause. 

Yea- it;s a problem. You are making life difficult naturally by just being born into a family as a boy. 

Another pause: If you are raising a boy- it's high time you tell him to start holding a broom, learn to cook, clean the toilet, wash the sink after spitting (properly), and more importantly dont expect "raja beta" will be there forever. If the kid is marrying- he will be a husband, not gain another mother. 

You guys dont have to take care of women. I mean- no one needs to go that far. Just feel and be responsible for yourselves. 

What is love?

 It is all internal. Our feelings manifesting into our thoughts... And then forming illusions out of these feelings. This is love.

The other person is just happenstance. I think. 

Counting...

 The days are filled with darkness.

And the nights? They are pregnant with silence.

What's common between day and night you ask?

The feeling that my heart is being squeezed like a piece of lemon.

Like a bit of me dies every single moment. 

Happy ugadi...

 Another year. Another century.. Atleast the last year has been a year that buzzed super fast and yet felt like a century full of pain and suffering - all packed in one year.

Life feels like a game. Every year- it feels like I am playing a new level- additional complexity. I wonder when can I rest and call it quits.

My private laughter moment...

 Many months later, today I login to FB. 

I have a photographer friend who posted a few pics ... And one of our friends commented. For a sec, I thought it was written - "beautiful dick" and I did a double take- what was written was "beautiful click".. :-) :-)

Yea- I am still laughing.

Illusions... And Conflict...

 I met a dear friend today who happens to be an astrologer. 

She told me my Rahu (not Rahul baba :-)) phase was running and that it is a phase marked by illusions. It is going to end by Aug this year. I can sure feel that it is going to end soon too. Just by the way situations keep manifesting in life for me currently- I can see my illusions are going to end with a great thud. If it has not already ended ;-)

She had an insight to share- that during Rahu- we feel conflicted, we feel like we are pushing boundaries, we feel like we dont have clarity, we feel like rebelling, we feel like breaking the usual social code and so on.. All of which is true so far. 

So here's to hoping that my vanavasam ends soon. 

To fresh and new beginnings sans baggage. 

On second thoughts, maybe I will write a bit about illusions... Like we feel we are sorted. Or we are in louve.. Or that we are in a constant push-pull about situations at work (or personal life), our relationships... or like we are in constant war with ourselves...

The fact that the phase will soon end makes me feel positive about my life suddenly. Maybe new beginnings will turn out better. I do wish that this time around I can kiss the sky.. 

Emotional Neglect

Hmmm...

Read a lot more about it. It is a full blown subject unto itself. 

What do I want?

 Really?

I want to come home to comfort, warmth and familiarity.

A hot kiss and a cold beer. Nah- Just saying :-)

I want cuddles, the mush and the banter.

On most days- I want to shed stress at the main door and walk in to a haven that's ours.

Yea- I am a die hard romantic. Do you remember the chats we had on our imaginary babies?

That's a reality. 

I am having very difficult days. I said it. I wish there were abundance of love. I said it again.

I just need to be home. A home filled with our dreams. Ourselves. Our children. Our family. That's it. That's all I want. 

A person named D from a city named C

 And on a day that I feel was Friday last week. I cant remember. Actually, I dont want to remember.

It is very strange that people always feel that they can shoot at other people- physically, mentally or otherwise. Like it is their right and they are entitled to use some of their bullets.

Is it appropriate? To be asked if, "I would spend some quality hours in a hotel room tonight?"... And not just stop there?

The first line broke my sanity and composure. The next........ Well it broke many boundaries. 

And why dont we talk about it to anyone? We cant. We just CANNOT. The scars- they dont fade. 

Why am I writing this? It is important for me to record another event in my life for posterity. Somethings post this are going to change drastically. 

Why do I write?

 It's not really with the intent that people will read it. Or that they will chat with me on this. Unfortunately or fortunately my blog is not easily discoverable (by intent). 

I write for me to read it after a few years. Like I am doing so now. I read a few posts today from 2015. Shows me.... Makes me see who I was then. And who I am now.

The current context in my life is not great. I said it. I have only screwed up relationships. Not very great across the spectrum. I was lighter in 2015... And I think I had more clarity then than now. Good or bad- I might not agree with the clarity itself. But I sure did know what I wanted then.

Today- I struggle to articulate what I want. I am not sure. I really feel lost. Maybe the answer is close to what sounds like "nothing".

Over the past few years- I have become a narcissist. I think I gas light chats or contexts. I screw up and play stupid mind games with people. Oh- and I think I am very averse to chats where I am being opposed or- there is a view that does not endorse my POV. If this is all true (and it is true)- I feel terrified what else I will become.

I ran for a 10 KM today. After a long time...Like I wanted to kill myself running. Running away from life. Away from people. Away from being who I am. I ran hard. I ran till I dropped down. I ran till I broke down. 

My life seemed linear enough in 2015. What changed in the last few years? Where did I lose my bearings? Why did I end up like this? I feel like a social pariah to myself. 

Who am I?

Seasons of love

 We were sitting on a table that had a view of the broken bridge... i was sipping on my watermelon juice- you know how much I love one of those in the mornings?

As i was gazing at the bridge - you looked intently at me and asked me: "So, do you love me?"

I looked at you first and then looked at the broken bridge... thought for a moment...

And then said:

"When the tide is high, and the moon shines

The mid summer nights and the summer rains,

the easterly winds..

when Jupiter takes over my fourth house

And Saturn stays in your 6th house

When it's time to harvest the paddy crop,

It's Saturday and Sunday..

And Monday and Wednesday

When sun goes up and throws a 11 'o' clock angled shadow

When I dont have headache but have heartache

When you are laughing and I am brooding...

When we are in the confines of 4 walls..- yea that's important,

And when it's just the two of us.......

yea- that's when I love you."

When I answered, you looked a little lost. 

I didnt want to ask the question. I kind of knew the answer. 

You didnt like the answer and I knew I was scared of the question.