DNI.
A symbol that many of the folks in my college connected with.
Me.
A force. Truly.
I voiced my opinions. I voiced my rage. I corrected things where it mattered.
I was not just spewing venom.
And then.... I became a slave to my salary. And lifestyle.
Today- A home and family became more important to me than my values. I said it.
I dont much believe in affirmations or stating my mission or purpose etc.I dont believe in talking about them.
But of late- I noticed that the world around me believes that these conversations help people move ahead in a bizarre way. Like be better connected to other people.
I wonder how? But here is an attempt at articulating them. What do I want from my life?
1. Dignity
2. Respect
3. Means to live- monies, home etc.
I lost dignity many a times. I lost respect for myself in my own eyes- I have been terrible at standing up and fighting for myself.
More importantly- I defend others more than myself.
I rationalize a lot of shit. That's just me. I cant live in this world otherwise.
Sometimes.... I feel these moments where past, present and future merge. Like an amalgamated moment. Yes- it is possible. Like I feel now.
I still have vivid feelings of how past felt- not like a memory but more of present. And I know this moment that I am in now- will drive the next moment which I am predicting will be exactly the same. Get the picture?
When I want to- I can carry the shadows of my past to eternity without having to change either my current or future. That curve can exist.
How peculiar we all are? We carry our lives with imagining time as a vector that is real.
It is as imaginary as our thoughts.
Shadows... They are real.
Once upon a time...
I met someone. And there were sparks every damn minute. There was no boredom or dearth of love. The space was oozing of togetherness.
Love was dark. And happy.
He died. Today it dawned. With light came the realization that life was happier when it was dark.
He died in darkness- a happy man. And I got stuck with light.
Is a strange fellow indeed. I almost feel this is what keeps the world going round and round. No really.
It makes us do funny things when we are in pain. And when we are not- we think of the pain and then do funny things all over again.
Physical wounds may sometimes heal. Atleast time makes us numb it. what remains is the memory of that pain. See what I mean??
I still remember the memory of such pain. When I was in grade 9- akin to saying fk-off, one of my teachers asked me to explicitly get out of the class. Here's the thing. In my view I have not done anything that warrants such an extreme step. And for me telling someone to fk-off is that extreme.
It is not my ego that caused pain. It is the feeling of being left out. It is the feeling of not being included. Or asked explicitly to be excluded that does it.
I still wonder what was it that went so wrong that the teacher never really even asked me the entire context.
Unsaid things will always remain unsaid. The pain of being left out?? Well- I am fking off indeed.
Sometimes- I do believe there comes a day when we do feel like going back.
Most of the times I dont. I believe that tells me how my life has been. A glimpse of it rarely makes me feel like going back. But.... These days- I feel maybe- a few points are worth re-visiting.
These U-turns give a better perspective to how we view the present.
I said it.. I said it.. :-)
Louve is in the air. I can feel it.
It feels good. :-)
Hell yeah- I said it.
