Something new.. Something blue

 It;s not just Christian weddings that ask for a new or a blue thing amongst the others for the bride. Yours truly is just starting a new role. But I feel very stressed suddenly. The PTSD hits me hard. Of my previous roles. I wont take names but there was a limbo in the past few months that I have been living in- nursing my wounds. Both professional and personal wounds. Deep ones.

Very few near and dear ones I shared the news with are so happy for me. But I am so stressed. There are many things that I am struggling with. The same near and dear ones don't ever figure out the chasm I am in. Deep shit. In my own shit. Mental shit.

How much more will I lose? When can I start feeling anything apart from the occasional feeling of loss and pathos? On a wing and prayer for a lot of strength and courage for the new role. I cant fk this up. I just cant. 

For the first time- I truly feel so unwanted in this universe that I am admitting to finally saying that there is no place for me anymore. I am soo off. And lonely. There- I said it.  

This and that. Nothingness.

 Living on the edge is always exhilarating. A bit/byte different from leading a very disciplined life. As an example, if there are a bunch of friends drinking and these are very close, you'd choose to be with them laughing about and being silly than stay by yourself because you don't choose drinking. Get the drift?

You might wonder how is this an edge? Edge is when we go into all sorts of territories without a worry of boundaries in the world while laughing. We are politically incorrect bordering on killing ethics. There's no concept of yours and mine anymore. It's just a bunch of drunk people having fun. Sounds good?

Awkwardness comes thru at some point. Meet the same friend in question without the group? And without their drunken stupor? Only so much can be discussed on coffee.

Sometimes there is no point in many chats. They are just empty. Just like this post. 

My "Dinacharyam" - 2025

 I just feel very peaceful today. After a long time. Maybe aeons. Another life. Perhaps? Not being dramatic. There's something very painful but liberating in doing certain things in a military precision and discipline. I started off a few things as practices from the last 8 months or so. But today- I feel especially glad I put myself thru this rigour.

What's changed? I kept doing what my PFC (Pre frontal cortex) of my brain said was good for me. What does this include? Good habits. Good habits that I think are right- I have 0 patience or tolerance right now to sit and debate about why they are right or wrong. It's just my belief and I am sticking to it. I don't want to get into a debate and end up being confused about what I must do for my life. There are debates that remove any clarity sometimes we hold. And that's toxicity. Do not indulge or waste time in those. There's no conclusion or even 'agree to disagree' kind of state of mind. It's just not worth it. But anyway- I digress. This is not about what construes toxicity. Or how to identify it. This is about what we believe is right and sticking to it.

This practices needs utmost discipline and razor sharp focus. All your senses should come together to stand with your mind. I mean- it's a process of aligning emotions and thoughts. As an example- I like listening to vedas. I like singing. So- I like it so much that I like to choose it. Broadly- this means that it is very easy for me to make time for it so I use my time to do something I like. Right? Wrong. What I had observed was that choosing to do what we like is also not easy. Infact it is tougher because as a whole, it creates a conflict and wistfulness in our mind. Both of which I want to consciously resolve. 

And my journey to choose what I want to do began. I ear marked a time for this. And no matter what- I will do this. With 100% precision. And thus, the ride began. very few exceptions to this rule. But broadly, I stuck to this. I sang every single day and I listened to vedas every single day in the last 8 months. With no guilt or with not having explain to anyone why I am doing what I am doing. What does it give you? Doing this I mean? It gives you nothing but peace that you are choosing what you believe is something you like or is right. 

This process becomes very interesting after a point in time. What it does is to either tell you that what you like is not right. Or not a "like" anymore. Or- it just gives you strength that your body is transforming to make choices that are right. Both the outcomes are excellent. Either way- you learn a little more about you. It's no more about shortcuts or cheating your body or even feeling guilty or terrible about not doing the right thing. 

Bet heck yeah! It is difficult. Stay with it. Don't let your body use your Amygdala all the time. Live beyond it. And that's a practice. That's meditation. That's life. 

Yo 2025- What's new?

 I had a revelation this year. Maybe I am letting the mysticism with which the world runs be, without letting my pearls of wisdom/awareness ruin it. :-) Aham Brahmasmi and all.

Point is, I think life is about choices. And luck. But mostly about recognizing toxicity. And learning to let it go. Let it be. With no judgments. We are all who we are. There are multiple reasons we all come together. Or maybe it is indeed random. Let's not find or attach too much meaning in it. No active past. Or future. 

But. Pls choose walking away from any toxicity. Something that limits in the way you function. Naturally I mean. You know? The natural flow of your energy? You know when you are not being yourself- something that's very core to you? Consciousness if you may call? When constantly you feel the need to impress someone or be someone else? Recognize it. And let go.

Letting go is the most difficult thing in this universe. Ask me. I did it quite a bit in the last few months. But do it. Do it because you deserve your own space in this universe. Your resting place. Do it because you have to live your life. Not in someone else's memories or approval. Or dominance. Do it- not because it gives you relief. Do it- You have a right to your life. Pain is temporary. Everything that gives in this process is a part of your transformation. Pay that price. It is worth it. You are worth it. 

I figured that it is an extremely difficult journey to choose. BUT. Make the choice. Practice that level of detachment your soul needs. And don't feel guilty about it. We all deserve it. We MUST do it.

What else? The universe will take notice and pave way. There's no stopping. Do it because it feels right. Do the right thing for yourself.