It's not really with the intent that people will read it. Or that they will chat with me on this. Unfortunately or fortunately my blog is not easily discoverable (by intent).
I write for me to read it after a few years. Like I am doing so now. I read a few posts today from 2015. Shows me.... Makes me see who I was then. And who I am now.
The current context in my life is not great. I said it. I have only screwed up relationships. Not very great across the spectrum. I was lighter in 2015... And I think I had more clarity then than now. Good or bad- I might not agree with the clarity itself. But I sure did know what I wanted then.
Today- I struggle to articulate what I want. I am not sure. I really feel lost. Maybe the answer is close to what sounds like "nothing".
Over the past few years- I have become a narcissist. I think I gas light chats or contexts. I screw up and play stupid mind games with people. Oh- and I think I am very averse to chats where I am being opposed or- there is a view that does not endorse my POV. If this is all true (and it is true)- I feel terrified what else I will become.
I ran for a 10 KM today. After a long time...Like I wanted to kill myself running. Running away from life. Away from people. Away from being who I am. I ran hard. I ran till I dropped down. I ran till I broke down.
My life seemed linear enough in 2015. What changed in the last few years? Where did I lose my bearings? Why did I end up like this? I feel like a social pariah to myself.
Who am I?
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