119 - Desiderata- meaning the things that you desire...

Last but the third stanza below sums up me. I love the poem to death. 

I take the please sun quoting the below again. Reading this for some hundredth time. Or maybe more.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

“

”

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".^[1]

117 - Am I bad?

We judge people through out our lives. We also teach how to judge to our next generation as well- based on our boundaries. And likes and dislikes. Which are btw again judgments. And no, I am not being self righteous. I judge too all the time. Every single time it matters.

But wonder what makes a person judge the other person so much that we dont even give a chance to defend? Who gives people this power? Society? Who is society? Does this society come to rescue when you need anything for yourselves? As an example does this society help you when you need money for cancer treatment? In my aunt's case when she was diagnosed some 'good' folks pooled in money. Did hospitals who are part of society reduce fees in the hospi? Not a fking single penny. When 'Nirbhaya' was raped, we raised a hue and cry against this society- by the society. What happened? We had hundreds of other rapes. We did the candle march. The society. Did it help?

What are these boundaries created by this society? And why are these important in my life? So am I now good or bad? I just shunned society. I am bad. Am I? How does it matter anyway? I am just one of the society too. Unfortunately out of the average graph. Agreed- I am weird too. I am wired like that.

I shall say it loudly again- when it matters, none of them will come to our rescue. Not a single one. They are bound by everything we created.

116 - We did win a battle.

I was not one of those academically brilliant students of my time. But yea, I enjoyed my campus life in my under grad days. And my masters as well. I also had big dreams and ambitions for my career as a student. I still do. In our placement season, the competitive me really wanted to crack the day 0. Perhaps then the only thing that mattered which was important in my short term scheme of things.

I never put more fight than that till now. I was extremely focused. So much that I never studied or prepared so hard for even my engineering entrance exams. I wanted a job on day 0 so bad. Now in hindsight, I may debate about whether it was important enough for me to focus so much or not, it was that important for me then. It was not for months or anything. But I did intense prep for 2 short weeks which were long enough looking back. I had to upgrade my math, engg fundaes, physics and most importantly I had to hone my skills at debating.

I still remember the sense of elation I had when I saw my name star in the list. I pumped my fist. I needed the security to back my other dreams that needed a launch pad.

After years, I chose to battle my guts out for a seat for my daughter in one of the schools I badly wanted. A school that I believe will be a right step for her to choose and reach her level of greatness. A place where I believe and trust she will be comfortable enough to let her be happy most of the times. I was behind the school authorities for more than 6 months. I had to pull in lot of strings to get me a slot to talk to the Head. I put shit loads of fight to follow, chase and almost gave up. I was angry too. So angry that I thought some battles are never worth it.

Yesterday when I saw the mail of acceptance I had a very silent moment of elation. I dint pump my fist in the air. But the older me felt happiness. That fights sometimes do get the wins we need. And want. Here's to a long, happy schooling for my children.

115 - James and Alice

I swear by a lot of Mallu movies. I really really do. ore often than not, their movies are fab. Their scripts are water tight. They are laden with thoughts. They are sooo non judgmental in their direction. Actors know their job. Music is not a distraction. Lot of them tell me it is arty. But I have other opinions.

Last week I happened to walk into this movie James and Alice. I wont write the story. It is all over the net anyway. And so are the reviews. Some I agree, most I dont. It is hands down one of the most beautiful movies i have seen in the last few years.

And believe me, I do watch quie a few movies. It is just that my selection of movies is random and I am very particular about what I like if I want to be engaged through out the movie. And I watch most of the movies in the theatres. Oh, and I prefer watching them alone. But I digress. It is not about the movie watching experience or my idiosyncrasies.

It is about letting go in relationships. About how there would still be a chance to make them up in life. About hope. About personal satisfaction. Of importance of selfishness in our lives. The last 5 min is definitely a drag. And the ending I dont necessarily agree. But heck, the whole script in my view is different. We arrived as a civilization if each of us attain some level of realization in that direction.

114 - The running finally stopped

My shoes which were 8 years old till date finally breathed their last. I wanted to take a picture of them to keep it for posterity, but I realized of late, I have been again getting attached to things. Which I consciously wanted to move away from. I dont want to live my life being possessive about anything. For some it comes naturally, and for a few others, it comes with some pain.

Today after battling in a few moments in my head, whether to get it repaired or let them die gracefully, I decided to let the former idea win. Yea- they were damn familiar. They were there with me for most of the important touch points of my life. Memories. Which I don't feel like abandoning. They clutched my fears and helped me run every single time I wanted to in the last 8 years. They held me safe. They made me warm. They gave me comfort.

Yea- they came with me in every single travel that I did in the last 8 years. They saw continents, countries, oceans and the mountains. They saw rains, snow, heat and wind. They saw dust. They went through the grind of the washing machine for their yearly cleaning.

They never made me 'feel' like buying new shoes ever. Even now, for the last few months, I have been procrastinating buying new shoes. It feels like I am giving up a baby and adopting new one, just because my older kid has a bout of sickness.

Today, I realized I need to give up my shoes. I am also giving up a lot of memories. Lot of good things. Lot of comfort. And yet, makes me feel a bit more proud of myself that I am moving those inches closer to my end state. Where I want to live in this world with no worldly attachments.

Rest. In. Silence. My bestest pair of shoes ever. I will never ever forget you ever. And no new shoes are ever going to be with me for this long a time. Nor are they ever going to replace you two. 

113 - When someone said...

Sometimes wisdom comes with age. Or conversely increases with the amount of the so called experience.

What is wisdom worth when you get up and find balls to say, "oh, btw this is not the life I signed up for?"

Screw wisdom. Fk motherhood statements. Did I sign up for this life?

I can show examples which make me feel that, "hell yeah!!! This is what life was meant to be."

112 - New beginnings

When the cracks appear, it does not take long for them to break. Eerily enough, even silence does not help much.

Here is to new beginnings.