Times move...

As I continue on my day 6/7, I lost track of the days now. My sleep cycles are smashed. The head aches' gone (and what bliss is that!), the fever's abated. It looks more likely that it is not the new virus in town.

And yet- the experience has been quite grueling and excruciating on not just me but people around me too. More importantly, sometimes these events are reminders of why we live.

Atleast what I figured in the past few days is more subjective. Infact throws away my sense of objective completely into thin air. Logic and rationale are but useless things. We need to embrace the more irrational part of us too. :-) There may be some truth in the emotions.

And that's another ugly truth. Emotions tell us something about ourselves. Our anger communicates what's not agreeable to us. And feeling it is more important than not feeling it. A human being is so much more complete in his/her incompleteness if only we embraced what we truly felt. And understood why we feel/felt them.

I am grateful that I am definitely on the path of recovery. For the first time I am happier in many months/years. What the past week showed me was that we are dispensable and people will be forgotten. Our lives are indeed in our hands. Any other way- it is but wrong.

All that's now left to recover is my battered sleep. One day. I shall get there. :-) :-) And on that day- I shall sleep peacefully. 

The walk of shame...

When she turned around and saw the place she left for one last time, she saw the familiarity of it all. The walking away part. It was always full of shame and yet every time it felt new. As new as the habit itself. Oh yes, it definitely was a habit.

The walk always brought it more anger with it. As she made herself immune to the noises, stares, views, opinions and judgments, around her, she became more and more empty. You see, life force was used to build immunity. Staying immune mattered to live.

For a moment she wondered why was this walk full of shame? Isnt it as imaginary as the values, culture, integrity etc that other people believed in? Why should someone carry this imaginary burden?

An invisible angel smiled. The walk of shame was meant to remind one of their ego. And pride. Both of which are again imaginary and delicate. Very fragile. It was needed for human beings to go back to basics. Like she did periodically.

Walk of shame was filled with learnings that a body rejects. Walk of shame is a battle with death. What matters is that with the walk of shame, she bought some time for herself to live. All that matters is a few more moments to live.

When you are in a neutral zone

Scene: Health is breaking down. You have a few symptoms and you are isolated. You have not taken the test because you dont fall in that zone yet. What happens then?

You will be isolated. You wont talk about it with anyone lest they outcaste your family. You suddenly feel that you are a part of a race where survival of the fittest indeed works. And you realize that you ARE a part of the race (even if you'd like to think otherwise).

We all fight for our lives first. That's the ugly truth. Locked up in a room for day 4 now: I am off work an off everything. I have been fortunate to get access to home cooked food that is fresh and hot sent to me on time everytime. I have been off phones. Check WA rarely/barely.

Ask me how does it feel to be a host to the new virus in town? Heck- I dont know if I am hosting "new" virus. I am hosting some virus that could be the new virus. Rest assured- your head feels like it's cracking. It is a challenge to use the loo. There's a huge fatigue factor. Your body is in pain. And the temperatures wax and wane. The heart accelerates and decelerates. And I battle with sleep (sometimes because I want to and sometimes because I dont want to).

Most importantly, it has given me this physical silence shot me to pieces. It is humbling to realize that it has to come to this point for a person to see somethings that otherwise we would be blinded to or have blindspots for.

In the confines of my room, I think. I exercise my brain as much as i can to play games with my conscious moments to find out more about myself. The outcomes are'nt good.

I realize that who I have become are many parts of many people who have inspired me over the years I agre (and continue to grow), but in the process, I forgot who I was/am.

The question who am I? continues to haunt me. 

Inkaar

First off, the album is out of the world. Shantanu Moitra is a genius. Really. The hwole album is a genius. But if there's a song that I need to pick to put it for you to sample, taste and savour- I'd easily pick Inkar's title track. Weep worthy... Drool worthy :-)
Swanand Kirkire has written this. For a non-Hindi/Urdu champ like me :-), these simple words make for a great poetry in the lyrics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Stel6Z4tW-0


Now the movie-  Another day, I can write many things. On a daker day like today, what can I say? Love is soo strange indeed.

Once a mistake, always a mistake

As he saw the proverbial light in the tunnel, he heaved a sigh of relief- albeit premature. Finally, he thought the war zone was clearing and things and people in his life fell into peace as the light grew brighter and larger.

He lovingly turned his gaze towards his wife who was there with him throughout the journey. He looked at her intently as if he was communicating a very pious message to her thru his eyes. The intensity threw his wife off guard and she flinched in a reflex that was age old- defending herself from his assault.

He knew he was a beaten man. He knew then that the sliver of light he saw was all illusion. He knew that once a sinner, always a sinner.

He knew the universe would neither forgive nor forget.

The last knot

The third knot was tied. According to the Hindu tradition, the couple were pronounced man and wife. He looked lovingly at her. And she wept out of joy. The tears that flowed looked like pearls that were falling off her nose amidst the festivities and the colors.

It felt like this moment would be etched in her mind forever. For many aeons that would come by. She looked at the man she married. A very flawed but a fair man. Yes she knew he was flawed. And yet she had love for him that made her blind to these. For that fleeting second, his gaze held hers and enquiringly looked at her asking if she was doing OK? She smiled in between the tears. He thought she looked so beautiful that perhaps she has never been more beautiful than this ever before. And maybe never after.

There was care. There was a lot of affection. Loads of it. There was warmth. Their eyes spoke. To each other. They completed each other's sentences in silence. There was trust. As a bystander, I could see the effortlessness in their communication and couldnt but feel envious. They must have invested so many of their abilities to come till this place...

And I took a moment to reflect on my own life. Admittedly, I never took that effort to communicate about my feelings. Myself. My reactions. My thoughts. Or took the effort to understand the other person any better. Neither talked not listened.

There was a time when there was a language of our own that our silences spoke. The silences got broken with realities of our lives. Our unsaid promises no longer withstood the sands of time. I was no longer his life. And he???

Someone tapped on my shoulder. I swallowed the last of my envy and with a bright smile turned to engage in another totally worthless conversation.

I love weddings. Sigh. And long live the bride and the groom.

And just like that light became foggy...

Crackling sparks from the fireplace on a rainy night like tonight brought familiar memories from the past and present. The warmth was comforting on a cold night. It showed that universe had answers to the questions that the world posed.

Light had darkness. Rains had summers. Seas had still waters.
Only... Time never knew when light became dark. When the summer blooms got drenched in water. And when the life of the sea waves got engulfed by the ocean.

As she was sipping on a steaming mug of coffee, a lone tear left her right eye. In her usual posture, her face always fell slightly to her right like the squint in her left eye. Slightly. As the sip of coffee hit her gut, she stumbled into the memories that were getting burnt in the fire.

"Your squint- it looks lovely on your face"....  She smiled.
"Come here- come closer, everyone deserves a hug to make their day better".. She was awkward.
"Coffee?".. She was shy.
"Donuts?".. She fell off her chair.


Or the time when he nursed her back to health after a bout of a 25 year old illness. Or the time when.. well- they had time.

And then the day came when it eventually became night. The dark and chilly night never gave way to anything else. He started rising in front of her eyes- what joy!!! She was most happy when he finally tried to get what he always wanted. She dreamed of his dream; She walked his path. Happily.

The sun that rose eventually set on her side of the world. He became so busy it didnt matter if it was day or night. Dark or light. East or West. Here or there.

To him, the rise mattered. To her, his rise mattered. Suddenly, her demise became oblivious. Some changes are best ignored. Some changes are best left by themselves. 

The warmth of the fire place was no more warm. It reminded her of another time. A time that eventually became painful to deal with it. She woke up with the same darkness that matched her skin. With the same squint that didnt match left eye with the right. She slowly walked towards the closet and brought each item that she lovingly preserved all these years.

There was a sudden energy furor in the fire. It started screaming loudly through the chimney. A painful moan that only she could hear. And yet the whole universe was silent.

Silence filled the room finally. What was left were the grey ashes.

And nothing else. And nothing else. And nothing else.