Many months later, today I login to FB.
I have a photographer friend who posted a few pics ... And one of our friends commented. For a sec, I thought it was written - "beautiful dick" and I did a double take- what was written was "beautiful click".. :-) :-)
Yea- I am still laughing.
I met a dear friend today who happens to be an astrologer.
She told me my Rahu (not Rahul baba :-)) phase was running and that it is a phase marked by illusions. It is going to end by Aug this year. I can sure feel that it is going to end soon too. Just by the way situations keep manifesting in life for me currently- I can see my illusions are going to end with a great thud. If it has not already ended ;-)
She had an insight to share- that during Rahu- we feel conflicted, we feel like we are pushing boundaries, we feel like we dont have clarity, we feel like rebelling, we feel like breaking the usual social code and so on.. All of which is true so far.
So here's to hoping that my vanavasam ends soon.
To fresh and new beginnings sans baggage.
On second thoughts, maybe I will write a bit about illusions... Like we feel we are sorted. Or we are in louve.. Or that we are in a constant push-pull about situations at work (or personal life), our relationships... or like we are in constant war with ourselves...
The fact that the phase will soon end makes me feel positive about my life suddenly. Maybe new beginnings will turn out better. I do wish that this time around I can kiss the sky..
Really?
I want to come home to comfort, warmth and familiarity.
A hot kiss and a cold beer. Nah- Just saying :-)
I want cuddles, the mush and the banter.
On most days- I want to shed stress at the main door and walk in to a haven that's ours.
Yea- I am a die hard romantic. Do you remember the chats we had on our imaginary babies?
That's a reality.
I am having very difficult days. I said it. I wish there were abundance of love. I said it again.
I just need to be home. A home filled with our dreams. Ourselves. Our children. Our family. That's it. That's all I want.
And on a day that I feel was Friday last week. I cant remember. Actually, I dont want to remember.
It is very strange that people always feel that they can shoot at other people- physically, mentally or otherwise. Like it is their right and they are entitled to use some of their bullets.
Is it appropriate? To be asked if, "I would spend some quality hours in a hotel room tonight?"... And not just stop there?
The first line broke my sanity and composure. The next........ Well it broke many boundaries.
And why dont we talk about it to anyone? We cant. We just CANNOT. The scars- they dont fade.
Why am I writing this? It is important for me to record another event in my life for posterity. Somethings post this are going to change drastically.
It's not really with the intent that people will read it. Or that they will chat with me on this. Unfortunately or fortunately my blog is not easily discoverable (by intent).
I write for me to read it after a few years. Like I am doing so now. I read a few posts today from 2015. Shows me.... Makes me see who I was then. And who I am now.
The current context in my life is not great. I said it. I have only screwed up relationships. Not very great across the spectrum. I was lighter in 2015... And I think I had more clarity then than now. Good or bad- I might not agree with the clarity itself. But I sure did know what I wanted then.
Today- I struggle to articulate what I want. I am not sure. I really feel lost. Maybe the answer is close to what sounds like "nothing".
Over the past few years- I have become a narcissist. I think I gas light chats or contexts. I screw up and play stupid mind games with people. Oh- and I think I am very averse to chats where I am being opposed or- there is a view that does not endorse my POV. If this is all true (and it is true)- I feel terrified what else I will become.
I ran for a 10 KM today. After a long time...Like I wanted to kill myself running. Running away from life. Away from people. Away from being who I am. I ran hard. I ran till I dropped down. I ran till I broke down.
My life seemed linear enough in 2015. What changed in the last few years? Where did I lose my bearings? Why did I end up like this? I feel like a social pariah to myself.
Who am I?
We were sitting on a table that had a view of the broken bridge... i was sipping on my watermelon juice- you know how much I love one of those in the mornings?
As i was gazing at the bridge - you looked intently at me and asked me: "So, do you love me?"
I looked at you first and then looked at the broken bridge... thought for a moment...
And then said:
"When the tide is high, and the moon shines
The mid summer nights and the summer rains,
the easterly winds..
when Jupiter takes over my fourth house
And Saturn stays in your 6th house
When it's time to harvest the paddy crop,
It's Saturday and Sunday..
And Monday and Wednesday
When sun goes up and throws a 11 'o' clock angled shadow
When I dont have headache but have heartache
When you are laughing and I am brooding...
When we are in the confines of 4 walls..- yea that's important,
And when it's just the two of us.......
yea- that's when I love you."
When I answered, you looked a little lost.
I didnt want to ask the question. I kind of knew the answer.
You didnt like the answer and I knew I was scared of the question.
