106 - When emptiness fills life

There are days that have to be ear marked. Dog eared. Struck on the calendar. Today remains as one such day. A day where dark hope is killed. A day when you realize you cheated yourself all the way along conning your mind into thinking that it was always solitude and never loneliness.

Why now? All the years I survived. And then I saw a rainbow. With more colours than it usually has. What's more? It touched me. It showed me I had company. It followed me like a shadow. I eventually got used to the idea. Who would not? It was a beautiful soul. It allowed me kindly to touch the colours.

It showed me what life was all about. It showed me how empty my solitude was. And then it was the time to fade away. Sunset time. There was hope that it returned the next day. To show and tell me the news of the world it saw in it's wake. The entire horizon. I waited. With a bated breath.

Days passed. Months passed. Each moment was an aeon. The rainbow never surfaced. And then one day when I stopped looking for it, I saw it thru the window of my sleeping quarters. A big, bold and a beautiful rainbow. It smiled at me.

And me? I gave a big 'beeming' smile. Only this time I knew better. The sunset was in less than quarter a day. I lived my life in those few hours.

I was prepared for the emptiness that would hit me again. The world- it did not look so desolate anymore.

The rainbow- it was never mine alone. It belonged to the entire universe. Everyone had their share of it. And me? I learnt to share. And yet, it was my rainbow. That appeared to make me happy and less lonely.

What's more? It was emptiness that filled life eventually. Not another little rainbow.

105 - My place

And yet again, I know my place in this universe.

I wonder what's in store for me? The young yet weary bones tell me through the tea leaves to be wary. And I ponder over again- what's new in that? Am I not wary always?

Of this universe and it's spells? I am as spellbound as the next person with it's magic. Yea- I am trapped. And yea- I don't have a way out.

Oh, and hell yea- I am happy yet heavy.
I am coming out a loser after almost winning an ongoing battle.
So- cheers. Here's to my life. And it's meander- A beautifully twisted one. 

SindhuBhairavi

I re-visited this classical piece on this Sunday morning.

I not only like the raga, but also the movie. I love it to bits.

K. Balachandar from time immemorial (and that's really before my birth) has been making movies around the human psyche. This movie is one of his masterpieces.

I will probably write about this in depth when I get out of my yet another block.

Even as I type these 4 lines, my hands feel heavy and my fingers feel numb. 

103- Dunkins and the Jenkins

My kiddo absolutely loves doughnuts.. Mostly the one with chocolate in and out and some M and Ms or gems on top. They get those in Dunkins and we usually go there once a week to get her excitement rolling and not to mention the chocolate high that I need to endure. :-)

So as always, we get a doughnut and we are sitting and eating happily. The table next to us were a family of 4. Lets call them the Jenkins family (no logic really. It rhymes with Dunkins and it's cheap poetry). Jenkins is a perfect family- 2 kids- a boy and a girl, mommy Jenkins and daddy Jenkins. Between the 4 of them the table was filled with a 6 doughnut box, and each of them had a burger each in their hands (work in progress in mouth)... The tables were so near and Jenkins were so loud that I could hear the conversation so easily- no effort to eavesdrop at all. And I am not usually vain, but entire Jenkins lot was obese and ugly looking.

Daddy Jenkins finished his burger and loved the Chef's special burger so much that he wanted one more (and btw, I love Chef's special burger too with the veggie lot in it).. So he sends his daughter (who is the older of his 2 kids) to the counter. All this is still palatable with me. No judgments so far. Then mama Jenkins starts chiding with daddy. "Daddy J, are you sure you want to eat one more? This is filled with atleast 400 KCals. You have cholesterol issues too." Daddy vehemently, in the typical Indian male, says, "Mama J, I know what I am doing. Dont interfere I say. We come hardly once a week and I want to eat my heart out. Dont nose around. Mind your own business."

Mama is still at it, "Daddy but you drank up twice in the last 3 days and you ate meat 4 times in the last 3 days too. It is not making you any healthier. Please look after your health. You have two kids. Why cant you be more responsible? blah blah.."

By now my daughts finished her doughnut and I lost interest altogether in their conversation. My grouse has always been the same around these things. Let people be. If the daddy is not feeling responsible for his own health, universe has the best model in place.Daddy will suffer. Not anybody else. Remove dependencies. Start getting life back. Mommy J, you spoilt the daddy enough in the last 10 years.

Cheers to the Jenkins!

102- Taste of anger

And a child asked me, how anger tasted?
I took a few moments to think. I should really know. If anyone in the world knew how anger tasted, it had to be me.
I swallowed so much of it over the years. I tried to explain it to the bundle of innocence.

That it tasted bitter in the initial moments, and then tasted of metal, like Mercury. And when you bite it, it reminds you of steel. And when you chew it, it reminds you of raw flesh. When you try and swallow it, the action is so difficult that it reminds you of agony and breathlessness that comes after punching a bag for around 4 hours.

Despite the tear in your throat if you manage to swallow it, it tastes of bile. The worst part about anger is, it remains in your gut forever. The intestines.. they never really manage to digest it. And anger, is so potent that it slowly burns inches- inch after a slow inch.

It burns you down and eats up your waking hours. And then guess what? it eats into your sleep as well. That's the taste of anger. My child.

101- Because the world is weirdly wired

From my eyes, world is always weird.
It embraces something that I abhor.

It believes in the idea of society,
that is defined by rules.

And because the world is weirdly wired,
the gross total happiness is lower.

If each person were responsible for their own happiness,
Oh- what a beautiful and happy world that would be.

As an earth's kid, I shall be responsible for my own hunger,
and its satiation. Weird world. And how!!!

One milestone. 100.

Unsolved problems increase. To a third eye, they can always be resolved so easily. 

The broken trust and the moves only will make a body go wary and grey.

And then there is restlessness. Anger. 

Nothing can be forgotten by the body ever. Time may heal a mind, but never the body. 

A person died today. As long as she lived she was in agony. And when she died, she killed many more people. Including a bit of me.