The last week at home has humbled me. And disgustingly entitled. It made me feel greedy for living a life like this.
I always wanted to do a lot of things in my life. I truly did. I had a huge checklist that denotes everything that an un-evolved human being ever would have. If you deep dive into the lists, you'll realize I am an egotistic, jealous, depressed and greedy individual.
A sneak peak into this character:
1. Loved to travel. To look at what earth wanted to offer. BUT. wanted comfort travel and comfort hotels. Just coz' I could afford. I still want to travel- but some things will change.
2. I wanted to publish a book. Badly. To show the world that I am a capable writer. Funnily enough, I paid a publisher to help in this regard. An editor too. Only now I realized I am a fk-all writer who will only publish a book just coz she could. :-). I am not going to do it.
3. I wanted to start a company. See it rise. Like a baby. Like my baby. I wanted it to do bloody well. I finally made peace with it that I dont have it in me to sustain it. It would have been a passing fancy. You see- I could never commit to a problem.
4. I wanted the society to stand up and tell me what a good job I have done. I wanted fame. I wanted the stigma to be erased from my life- I said it. I didnt want to be that "woh". I didnt want to be that "funny" person. Today. I feel it doesnt matter. Woh or otherwise. I have no right to expect or feel that I am a good person. I have been a terrible person- I said it. I have not stood by my friends in need. I have never cared enough. I have never had compassion. I still dont. I dont understand what empathy is. Truly I dont.
5. I wanted a house. A red tiled house. French style bungalow by the sea if you may. With a lot of green around. A huge house with a very earthy and rustic flavor in the insides. A lot of wood and brass. Functional house. With an open roof in the centre of the house for the rainy days. I fantasised that the house will be full of me, my laughter. My happiness. I feel terrible with myself for even allowing myself to think about it. I forgot about contentment. I forgot that I still live in an apartment that has a garden view, a sky view and a view of planes that land from behind the hill. The house with it's happiness is gone.
6. I always wanted to own a posh car that I drive by myself. Do road trips with my kid. My partner. Myself. My dad. I hadnt realized that I dont enjoy driving. I dont even take the small car in the parking. I dont need no car anymore.
7. I always wanted to record a singles. In my vocals. A nice old telugu folk song that I could choose and make. Re-make. I thought I'll even wear make up if I ever did that song. I croak. My voice is shrill. I am older. I lost the innocence that a person needs to sing. I must have really lost it when i thought of this one.
8. I dreamt. Damn it. I dreamt. I was a dreamer. I was never a thinker. Never. Today reluctantly, with my amateur philosophy, that sounds cocky, I have become the do-er. Just blank your mind out. And get on with work.
9. I wanted more children. I love kids. When they are not assholes. Actually- they are not assholes when they are with me. I like them. Genuinely. I wanted to adopt a few of them. Not out of godforsaken social or moral obligation- but for my own personal and selfish love for them. I decided in the last week that I am a terrible parent. I cant do anymore injustice to this universe by leaving a few of my traces than stuff that's already left over.
10. I hoped that people who wronged me would one day apologize. I really thought. This was a huge hope/expectation. They wont. I didnt realize that the wrong-doing was two sided. My own "version" of events would never allow me to apologize to them. I remember what I like to remember.
11. My version of a dozen- will always have something less. Like my life. I wanted to live and be in love. Well, I just fell short.
I had misconceptions about love, family, money, security, parenting, heck- life! Today it feels like my whole life was false. My choices. My truth. My lies. My honesty. My intentions. Everything.
I guess this is what the universe thought I should learn. That today- I am still alive. And I should just be grateful. And that there is nothing else that should matter more to me than my own life. And that no matter what we like to think, no two beings are one. They are always 2.
I always wanted to do a lot of things in my life. I truly did. I had a huge checklist that denotes everything that an un-evolved human being ever would have. If you deep dive into the lists, you'll realize I am an egotistic, jealous, depressed and greedy individual.
A sneak peak into this character:
1. Loved to travel. To look at what earth wanted to offer. BUT. wanted comfort travel and comfort hotels. Just coz' I could afford. I still want to travel- but some things will change.
2. I wanted to publish a book. Badly. To show the world that I am a capable writer. Funnily enough, I paid a publisher to help in this regard. An editor too. Only now I realized I am a fk-all writer who will only publish a book just coz she could. :-). I am not going to do it.
3. I wanted to start a company. See it rise. Like a baby. Like my baby. I wanted it to do bloody well. I finally made peace with it that I dont have it in me to sustain it. It would have been a passing fancy. You see- I could never commit to a problem.
4. I wanted the society to stand up and tell me what a good job I have done. I wanted fame. I wanted the stigma to be erased from my life- I said it. I didnt want to be that "woh". I didnt want to be that "funny" person. Today. I feel it doesnt matter. Woh or otherwise. I have no right to expect or feel that I am a good person. I have been a terrible person- I said it. I have not stood by my friends in need. I have never cared enough. I have never had compassion. I still dont. I dont understand what empathy is. Truly I dont.
5. I wanted a house. A red tiled house. French style bungalow by the sea if you may. With a lot of green around. A huge house with a very earthy and rustic flavor in the insides. A lot of wood and brass. Functional house. With an open roof in the centre of the house for the rainy days. I fantasised that the house will be full of me, my laughter. My happiness. I feel terrible with myself for even allowing myself to think about it. I forgot about contentment. I forgot that I still live in an apartment that has a garden view, a sky view and a view of planes that land from behind the hill. The house with it's happiness is gone.
6. I always wanted to own a posh car that I drive by myself. Do road trips with my kid. My partner. Myself. My dad. I hadnt realized that I dont enjoy driving. I dont even take the small car in the parking. I dont need no car anymore.
7. I always wanted to record a singles. In my vocals. A nice old telugu folk song that I could choose and make. Re-make. I thought I'll even wear make up if I ever did that song. I croak. My voice is shrill. I am older. I lost the innocence that a person needs to sing. I must have really lost it when i thought of this one.
8. I dreamt. Damn it. I dreamt. I was a dreamer. I was never a thinker. Never. Today reluctantly, with my amateur philosophy, that sounds cocky, I have become the do-er. Just blank your mind out. And get on with work.
9. I wanted more children. I love kids. When they are not assholes. Actually- they are not assholes when they are with me. I like them. Genuinely. I wanted to adopt a few of them. Not out of godforsaken social or moral obligation- but for my own personal and selfish love for them. I decided in the last week that I am a terrible parent. I cant do anymore injustice to this universe by leaving a few of my traces than stuff that's already left over.
10. I hoped that people who wronged me would one day apologize. I really thought. This was a huge hope/expectation. They wont. I didnt realize that the wrong-doing was two sided. My own "version" of events would never allow me to apologize to them. I remember what I like to remember.
11. My version of a dozen- will always have something less. Like my life. I wanted to live and be in love. Well, I just fell short.
I had misconceptions about love, family, money, security, parenting, heck- life! Today it feels like my whole life was false. My choices. My truth. My lies. My honesty. My intentions. Everything.
I guess this is what the universe thought I should learn. That today- I am still alive. And I should just be grateful. And that there is nothing else that should matter more to me than my own life. And that no matter what we like to think, no two beings are one. They are always 2.
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