As I was swirling the wine in my glass today, I looked outside the window, pondering over something that looked like a mark on the moon. The boy beside me gently nudged my arm to grab my attention. He showed me a star. The most twinkling one and said to me, that that's where his Paati was. When his paati passed away, I told the little boy to give him hope that she is still looking at him.
He looked at the star and shouted from his gut, "Paati, how are you? Can you hear me???? I miss you loads!!! Please say something...". Nothing. He heard nothing. Obviously! The star continued to twinkle and the boy looked at me smiling and said, that his paati is twinkling like no other star up there. He was proud of her.
For a tiniest second. For a nano second. My wine stopped swirling. A drop fell into the glass. In the redness of that glass which was akin to bloodshed that happened. When no one noticed. I would have been proud too of a few stars up there. Watching me. And maybe crying out to me, "mama, why did you kill me?"
Seconds passed. maybe minutes or hours. I lost track of time. My eyes gazed into empty memories. That neither made me smile. Nor sad. It was just a state of the moment. Emptiness was perhaps, the right word.
I still remembered the time. It was 9 PM. I just finished preparing dinner for the family and the extended one. I was looking forward to the zen meal. I was eagerly looking forward to someone's arrival. I was restless. I paced up and down.
And then it hit me. It hit me hard. That the someone was never going to come home. It was over. The moment was complete with that realization. For a fighter, realization is more important than acceptance. My defense kicked in. The more practical hat I had to wear popped out of no where giving me strength of a coward to pump my fist into my stomach.
My full stomach. My fertile body carrying my precious triplets. And then I saw the red drops. Just like the ones in my wine glass I was gazing into..
He looked at the star and shouted from his gut, "Paati, how are you? Can you hear me???? I miss you loads!!! Please say something...". Nothing. He heard nothing. Obviously! The star continued to twinkle and the boy looked at me smiling and said, that his paati is twinkling like no other star up there. He was proud of her.
For a tiniest second. For a nano second. My wine stopped swirling. A drop fell into the glass. In the redness of that glass which was akin to bloodshed that happened. When no one noticed. I would have been proud too of a few stars up there. Watching me. And maybe crying out to me, "mama, why did you kill me?"
Seconds passed. maybe minutes or hours. I lost track of time. My eyes gazed into empty memories. That neither made me smile. Nor sad. It was just a state of the moment. Emptiness was perhaps, the right word.
I still remembered the time. It was 9 PM. I just finished preparing dinner for the family and the extended one. I was looking forward to the zen meal. I was eagerly looking forward to someone's arrival. I was restless. I paced up and down.
And then it hit me. It hit me hard. That the someone was never going to come home. It was over. The moment was complete with that realization. For a fighter, realization is more important than acceptance. My defense kicked in. The more practical hat I had to wear popped out of no where giving me strength of a coward to pump my fist into my stomach.
My full stomach. My fertile body carrying my precious triplets. And then I saw the red drops. Just like the ones in my wine glass I was gazing into..
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