126 - Thunk. Pound. Just do it.

Running gives me thinking time. Actually it just tires the sh!t out of me. So much that I just need to sit somewhere and concentrate on my breathing. It blanks out everything else. That's how anger seeps out of me. Or atleast that's how I try.

I ran today. I ran like there is no tomorrow. I ran in my head. With my body. As always at a pace where I thought I shall kill myself, I halted.

Today. Nothing gave me solace. What I was running away from did not go away. What I ran towards to was nowhere in sight. The journey was mindless. And the run felt useless. One of those runs where you feel that empty calories burnt. That was never the target. No wonder the calories burnt felt so empty.

On days like this I do wonder what human race runs towards? What is the focus that we all strive towards? Why is society so important?

I am a broken person. I admit to my flaws. I am stubborn and egotistic. Foolish. I am a lot of things negative. I dont share myself beyond my skin. So yea, I dont think like the other 95 percent people do. Dont they call it diversity? Minority? We as a society are never ok to embrace people who think a little differently. We love judging before anything else. When I know I am not going to get acceptance, why am I supposed to be OK with how this society is framed? There is no place for me there.

This. This space is my place. This is my place.

125 - Where is water, mommy?

I turn silent when I am angry. I trust me more in the hands of silence. Everyone including me is safe that way.

When even silence becomes unbearable, nature tells me I need to steam off. Today I looked for shoes. I tried to run bare foot. On a mid summer morning, it is not a great idea. :-) I left home with the darling daughter at 2 PM in the afty to buy me shoes.

Today I walked in the hot sun. I put through my the painful regime for my daughter as well. The heat was scorching and I wondered to check if she would complain. Not a word from her. She was lost in thoughts She just held my hand silently. We walked the roads. Uphill. Downhill. Escaping a dog every now and then. Our reverie distracted by a honk or hoot of a car. We were tired.

She switched on the AC once we reached home and drank water. A whole half a litre of water without putting the bottle down. I felt terrible. She did not need to join me in the regime. It was punishing for me as an adult.

Funnily enough, she helped me. She helped me in her own way by just walking with me in that hot sun. A weird sense of calmness enveloped us.

124 - Cinderella's missing shoes

I bought me new shoes today. Finally.

Long due. I wanted to buy this for some time now. For a long time. Really long. You'd think what's the big deal about shoes? It is a big deal. Shoes have always been a big deal for me. The last one that I had was around 8 years old this year and I bought them in London for 28 pounds. It was big monies for a student. A pound then was around 87 INR. And I used them extensively. Really extensively.

Today. I gave those Nikes away. And bought myself Skechers. Double the cost after 8 years.

I hate to compare but the new pair seem so freaking light on my feet. I ran today and it felt like I was flying. Nikes had become heavy on my ankle. But they were there for me at the time of my need. The lighter ones now? I wont need them as much as I did my older shoes.

Cinderella finally found the lighter shoes to match her feet.

123 - The magic number

What doesn't kill will only make us grow stronger.

I had a rare opportunity today to meet someone at a billing counter of a store in a mall. A soon-to-die 4 year old. If god or universe exists I did wonder why give that 4 years to someone? Why not just kill them before even fertilization?

A child dying is so traumatic for a parent, that it is almost against theory of evolution in my view. Nature is meant to 'make' older people die. Which means the parent generation dies before the kids. That's how the cycle should be. Any other aberration in this will really result in emotional chaos that the world is not ready to repair.

Today some more parts of me died. Beyond repair. I am gone. All that love... All that affection for that child. More than the child, I really feel terrible for the parents too. It is extremely difficult to nurture a child knowing they will not last. The 'hopelessness' of the situation is really challenging. Take a bow all 3 of you at the cash counter. You guys are made of grit and strength.

122 - The last defence

Ever wondered?? I crib about being judged all the time. But I do so sit on a day like this and think. I hear the chirpy birds. The whistle of a cooker. Clanging of utensils. Some joggers.

What if I did have a chance to defend myself ever, what would I do? And I still think. For all the things that mattered in the past, I moved on. I care two hoots to even go back and defend myself. I don't think I operate like that. Neither do I want to. In these cases I have truly moved on. In the cases where I am stuck, I wonder if I want to defend at all. The pack of 5 that we were judged me.  I hurt terribly then. I was judged for being overtly independent and having extended boundaries (in their head it is not having boundaries). And this was a mere judgment. Which came out as a result of a few debates. (As silly as "Having cell phones in college- boon or bane" type topics). I struggled and wondered how unfair the judgment was.

Today, if the other 4 came back to me and 'gave' me that chance to defend, what would I speak? Despite me being stuck, I dont think I would have spoken a word if it were today.
1. The people dont exist for me anymore.
2. I do feel that the trust that was inherent earlier is no more there for me.
3. They took away some parts of me. Callously in my view.

And them? They had their daily problems. They had college like me. Had to attend classes. Study for exams like me. And me? I was stuck so terribly there wondering the unfairness in this universe (yet again) towards me. I couldn't get back to my exams as easily. Or get back to my life so quickly. And worst thing? I had to live along knowing this is what the friends I thought were world to me at that point in time thought of me.

A trust broke. And me? I never learnt a lesson. Someone was right when I said I was foolish and naive. 

121 - Life happens. Hell yeah!

A well wisher reminded me that I am being foolish. I agree.
A friend told me I am an angry person. I agree.
Someone judged me without a chance to defend. I still agree.
I am unsettled and restless. But that's me too.
The last nail in the coffin is hammered. To death.
For one last time I bet. And I did think thousand times. And I lost.

Now? Never.
Why? Silence.
When? Convenience.
Me? The tiny, inconsequential sliver. 

120 - Erik Satie

Every single time I hear this, I get goose bumps. I wonder what Erik Satie was going through in his life for him to compose something as beautifully painful as this.

Satie's life as you find in the world of intenret was not the usual one (and I would bet my entire money that it would have been so). The French composer's personal life was chaos. Internet will tell you that he dies of a drunken stupor. Liver issues.

But heck, I wonder what really ailed him. Broken heart? Unrequited love? Lack of mental peace? It makes my heart bleed when I hear this piece of his. Especially this piece.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUAF3abGY2M

Greatness exists. So much that it comes out only when you can gain the focus back. In his case, I think it was snapping out and accepting that the love was never going to be his. He probably killed a major distraction in his life.