Flutters and the rush

 A familiar pang of heart ache struck me as I walked along the beach.

We held hands and gazed at each other lovingly. With longing. Of the evening that was still young and of the night that held promises. 

Today. I was walking by myself and missed the shadow that held my hand. But as I walked  felt dizzy. And there was immense pressure on my chest.  I couldnt breathe. I had to sit and get my breath back. But somehow the heaviness stayed.

I took a call to reach out to a doctor friend who was still in the hospital. The unfamiliar equipment of his clinic intimidated me. The heaviness only increased. I was disoriented. I thought it was the last moment in my life. I wanted to trade all that I had for 5 min of life.

Dr Friend immediately did a quick check on all vitals. Pushed a bit here. Prodded a bit there.

Suddenly I knew I did a few things right. Many things wrong. But that moment- none of this mattered. None. Zilch. All I wanted was to go peacefully if it was a call. I wanted to go back to the beach. And let the waves take their natural course.

Turns out my heart is trying to pump blood harder than usual. High blood pressure in simple parlance. I am 38. Obviously my heart broke. Dr F told me this is reversible as it is still in stage 1. 

Here s the difficult part- with so much of heaviness in my own life, how do I get things right?

I wonder. Maybe popping the pill to regulate blood is the right thing to do. Very depressing to see my life beginning to degenerate earlier than average.

I hope I will have the strength to do a U-turn.

I just realized with so many people around me, I still chose not to share: yet again. I am choosing loneliness in the name of solitude.