I have taken extremely lean work the past 2 weeks by choice and hopefully stay like this for another month. Well despite being 'jobless', I still am super occupied and engaged in life. Have too much of shit to sort thru at home- paper work, years of piling documentation, taxes, legal all of that along with battling my fat which also piled on for years is now happening.
Good or bad- I am enjoying the phase and hope I get to do a few things off my bucket list.
Let's see.....
This time, somehow I was not in the right mood to really wish you and me a very happy birthday.
Hope this year brings in tonnes of strength, joy, health and wealth to propel us into a happier and peaceful world I say!
Happy Birthday.
Lot of things change.
The biggest change in my life (world) is the ability to let go and be OK with it. Ability to walk away and provide peace to my eco-system.
Both of them are important. One provides internal power and confidence that you can do whatever you want in life and not be worried about losing anymore. The second gives you immense satisfaction that you did the right thing by letting go and making the eco system more peaceful. Actually the second brings in a lot of mindspace and ability to think. Finally think without boundaries and be able to really figure what we want/need from life without life altering boundary conditions and limitations. The right word is perhaps abundance.
Yes- it gives immense head room to think in abundance. That's a very powerful thing.
You see, I generally write a post for the new year. About my hopes, what has been, and what could have been. And so on. :-)
This time, I lived it. And hence, didn't write much. 2025 is an interesting year. Maybe after decade and a half, I finally decided to snap out of miseries and comfort areas to become a better human being- for sure.
And I did. I went thru the entire grief cycle multiple times and lived long enough to tell the tale today. It is worth it. The misery of the last year and darkness and doom was extremely tough on my being. There was a point in time when I gave up. Actually multiple times I gave up. It was no possible.
What changed? I don't know what kept me alive- but I know it was divine intervention. Faith in something/someone kept me going. Some force. Universe. Maybe?
Look- I deserve this. Now. I thank every ounce of energy that kept me going thru the last year. In every single way possible. I cant be more grateful.
What's changed in the new year? I am more confident. I feel more real and less fake. I don't posture that much anymore. I am more aware of what's going on within me. I am more disciplined and I feel the trying times has made me feel more ready to be an adult. I'd like to think it is an adulting process.
And hence, I am in the game.
Yes- that's how life works. When you are fully out of something- choose to not play a certain game, you then make headway in your mind to start another game.
You MUST choose to do this. I have always been vocal about making choices that snap you out of your comfort zone. ALWAYS.
That's the only and ONLY way to evolve and become a better version of yourself.
Esp. when you know you are adding entropy to your process.
Day of disaster. I think what travel teaches you is resilience and patience if not anything else. Yesterday was an example of it. I couldn't not do anything about it. So yea- an example of how you don't really control anything including your schedule- esp your schedule.
So what do you do on those days? Just give up and surrender with joy. It's a choice you make. COming back to the facts of yesterday- I had a trip booked on Viator (thoo thoo). I had a pick up from my hotel at Bratislava and the idea was to hit the road for a 2.5 hr drive to Budapest and Budapest local sight seeing. The trip was supposed to begin at 8 am. So far with me? Not complex. Right? And then I had a flight from Budapest to Munich at 5 PM.
Now... let's get to feelings. Oh, before that, Viator stood me up. And I ran to the bus stop to book a bus ticket. The bus was at 10 am. I went to the bus stop at a chilling weather (-1 C) by 9 am to ensure I am not missing the bus by tempting fate. It's cool right? We are smart peoples, so we don't want to lose out on the goal- which is to visit Budapest.
Bus is on platform 11. I am at platform 11 am. 10.05- no sign of the bus and the tracker says it already left the station. Again GASP! WTF is going on! Now- it's no more the fear of missing the sights at Budapest. Reality is hitting. Will I be able to make it to the flight?
A random guy who was patiently waiting for me at this point, walks up to me super confused about bus. So we both walk up to the customer service at the bus stand to enquire, only to realize that they confirmed the reality on the tracker. What next? The next bus was not going to allow me to make it to Budapest on time. We decided to train it. Now- a small challenge. This guy coming with me. What to make of it? He looked genuinely stuck with the same problem as I am. But how do you trust a person in a foreign land and a stranger at that? Could have been anything. Sweet fellow he turned out though. We decided to Uber to the station and I booked the cab- again a false sense of lull that I have the control. :-) But well- I just took a chance and my gut said it was OK. I decided to trust the universe to keep my back. Now- too many "trusts".
We had a train at 12 noon reaching Budapest at 12.30 PM. We got a ticket. Thankfully, I got on the train and we started talking- this guy- let's call him Alex. He is French. Sweet chap. Young guy backpacking around Europe because he finished his Masters. Got off the train. And I had to tempt fate.
I decided to tour around Budapest. Yea- you heard me right. I had a flight to Munich at 5 PM. At 2.45 PM, I decided to tour Budapest. I got into a hop on/hop off and saw the city in 45 min. What a bloody beautiful city- beats Edinburgh too. Easily one of the most beautiful cities in this world (from all the countries I visited so far).
I clicked as many pictures as I could making a mental note that I am coming back. It deserves a lot of my time (as haughty as that might sound). :-)
So racing against time and traffic jams, I ended up at the airport with all my luggage (remember I had more than 35 Kg given I was travelling international) at 4.35 PM for 5 PM flight.
If there was one happy ending (not 'that' one you perv!), it was that the universe decided to shower me with it's blessing. Super grateful. The flight got delayed by 15 min putting me on that damn plane to Munich.
And Munich- here I come!
Maybe not jet lagged btw. After Prague sojourns, I slept by 8.30 PM yday. I stayed in this hotel which looks quaint but also dingy. I did feel a bit weird- kept many barriers just in case someone tried to break in. Just paranoia. No idea why I felt like that. The hotel was safe. Had enough security measures and was in a nice part of town. Anyway. That's that.
I woke up at 5.30 PM. Pitch dark outside. And -3 C. I read a book. Full book till 7.30 am. Got ready, packed and booked a ticket to Bratislava. Breakfast was a breeze. Fiber- lots of it and a slice of bread.
Caught a bus at 11 am and went on a nice drive from Prague to Bratislava. It took us around 4.5 hr. Scenic route but mostly foogy given the time of the year. Checked in to Sheraton. And went on a city drive to check out spots and pics. I walked much lesser today than yday. It was super super cold and it was late afternoon and was already dark by the time I started. What a sweet little town though!
All aside-, Czechoslovakia was once upon a time same country. Now it is Czech Republic and Slovakia. 2 very different cultures. Different dialect. Czech and Slovakian have different dialect- very different. Somehow I felt Slovakians were more friendly. More engaging. And sure felt safer.
I took a few bokehs. Decent shots.
Again- I wish I were a meat eater. The names of local dishes look very exotic. Phew.
Someone ask me- Prague or Slovakia? Well...... Another post someday.
New country. New experience. I'm a bit nervous. I'm a bit excited.
Turns out, it is the most beautiful thing to do to explore the city- all by yourselves. You need to shed inhibition, wear comfy clothes and most importantly- shoes. And dress for the extreme weather. Carry less on your shoulder. You are all set. I clocked 12 Km walking today.
I did one Uber in the morning because I got late for an activity I signed up for. I was also misguided by the staff on the time estimate. Actually, junta generally don't understand time fully I guess :-).. Almost always underestimation. Add to that, my flight arrived an hour late. I lost out on the shower (stink stink).
As a vegetarian, I always struggle in these places. I also get FOMO that meat eaters can actually explore it far better than I do. Well- it is what it is. You can't change my mind on this aspect. Many stalwarts tried it. And failed.
What else? It is not too expensive, but people ask for tips. Your choice. Beer seems to be a big hit and I skipped that too. TBH, it is not a 1.5 day tour. This needs a proper 4 days.
I loved the church in the castle, love love love the christmas vibe in the city. One thing I figured in Europe is, we should come here during Christmas. It's ahm-AZ-ing. Corals in the markets, the markets themselves, the aromas of hot chocolate in the air, the lights- it's something else. On my long walk back to the hotel, I almost felt buzzed. Watching the lights. Like I was stoned wala feeling.
Anyway- the river cruise is a high light. MArket is a highlight. The Czech Philaharmonic is something else.
I had to record this before I crash. And I guess I will be out for the next 10 hr if not more. Not a wink of sleep in the last 36 hr.
Jet lag??? I will know when I sleep.
Tomo? hmmmm.... Bratislava it is. :-) Another trippy trip.
Things happen. Shit happens. Good and bad. Yea- there's damn good shit and bad shit that happens. In a series of many things, there's the one thing that I couldn't celebrate today. I owe it to myself. Mine. Not an indulgence, but a pat on my back.
When I entered the rare club of the extraordinary gentlemen's league, I wrote about it a few months ago. I specifically said that some day soon, I was going to celebrate it. And I am doing it now.
There are certain highs in life that counts. No matter what. I do bloody well have the cat got the cream smile. I did it. Whatever I wanted to achieve. Now- I shall stop not, to do the next thing.
So many things, I say.
To celebrate, I am checking off an item on my checklist. Hell yea- baby, here I come.
Celebrating the first year death anniversary. Wondering how I should commemorate the day? Donate? Lament? Grieve? Or maybe just be morose (a reflection of my mind) anyway.
I officially belong to the league of the extraordinary gentlemen. Yea- you heard the lady right. :-)
I crossed yet another milestone in my career and I am feeling damn proud of myself. I will celebrate this someday in my style.
So long!
Mixed feelings. If left by myself, with no one in the vicinity, I'd have wept buckets. Mumbai has always been bittersweet for me. Esp in the past few years. I became a stronger woman. Bloody proud of who I am now. I am tougher and more independent. I said it. So, I never got here by accident. It took years of hard work. Someone told me that we often belittle what we do by not counting it or give credit to ourselves too- so true!
Had a decent day in the familiar roads and even more familiar rains. I just totally blend in the vibe. It's me. I love the greys, the angry sea (I always thought the Mumbai tide was always angry). I saw some of it lash out again today. Like reiterating what I feel- like life.
Short and sweet stay- A few hours in Mumbai is just enough to make you happy and not get into a sad trip. Wonder why? Because I lost more than what I gained in Mumbai. Somewhere in the streets, we lost peace. We lost what we constructed. Drama much? What else do you expect in the land of Bollywood and KJo?
It;s not just Christian weddings that ask for a new or a blue thing amongst the others for the bride. Yours truly is just starting a new role. But I feel very stressed suddenly. The PTSD hits me hard. Of my previous roles. I wont take names but there was a limbo in the past few months that I have been living in- nursing my wounds. Both professional and personal wounds. Deep ones.
Very few near and dear ones I shared the news with are so happy for me. But I am so stressed. There are many things that I am struggling with. The same near and dear ones don't ever figure out the chasm I am in. Deep shit. In my own shit. Mental shit.
How much more will I lose? When can I start feeling anything apart from the occasional feeling of loss and pathos? On a wing and prayer for a lot of strength and courage for the new role. I cant fk this up. I just cant.
For the first time- I truly feel so unwanted in this universe that I am admitting to finally saying that there is no place for me anymore. I am soo off. And lonely. There- I said it.
Living on the edge is always exhilarating. A bit/byte different from leading a very disciplined life. As an example, if there are a bunch of friends drinking and these are very close, you'd choose to be with them laughing about and being silly than stay by yourself because you don't choose drinking. Get the drift?
You might wonder how is this an edge? Edge is when we go into all sorts of territories without a worry of boundaries in the world while laughing. We are politically incorrect bordering on killing ethics. There's no concept of yours and mine anymore. It's just a bunch of drunk people having fun. Sounds good?
Awkwardness comes thru at some point. Meet the same friend in question without the group? And without their drunken stupor? Only so much can be discussed on coffee.
Sometimes there is no point in many chats. They are just empty. Just like this post.
I just feel very peaceful today. After a long time. Maybe aeons. Another life. Perhaps? Not being dramatic. There's something very painful but liberating in doing certain things in a military precision and discipline. I started off a few things as practices from the last 8 months or so. But today- I feel especially glad I put myself thru this rigour.
What's changed? I kept doing what my PFC (Pre frontal cortex) of my brain said was good for me. What does this include? Good habits. Good habits that I think are right- I have 0 patience or tolerance right now to sit and debate about why they are right or wrong. It's just my belief and I am sticking to it. I don't want to get into a debate and end up being confused about what I must do for my life. There are debates that remove any clarity sometimes we hold. And that's toxicity. Do not indulge or waste time in those. There's no conclusion or even 'agree to disagree' kind of state of mind. It's just not worth it. But anyway- I digress. This is not about what construes toxicity. Or how to identify it. This is about what we believe is right and sticking to it.
This practices needs utmost discipline and razor sharp focus. All your senses should come together to stand with your mind. I mean- it's a process of aligning emotions and thoughts. As an example- I like listening to vedas. I like singing. So- I like it so much that I like to choose it. Broadly- this means that it is very easy for me to make time for it so I use my time to do something I like. Right? Wrong. What I had observed was that choosing to do what we like is also not easy. Infact it is tougher because as a whole, it creates a conflict and wistfulness in our mind. Both of which I want to consciously resolve.
And my journey to choose what I want to do began. I ear marked a time for this. And no matter what- I will do this. With 100% precision. And thus, the ride began. very few exceptions to this rule. But broadly, I stuck to this. I sang every single day and I listened to vedas every single day in the last 8 months. With no guilt or with not having explain to anyone why I am doing what I am doing. What does it give you? Doing this I mean? It gives you nothing but peace that you are choosing what you believe is something you like or is right.
This process becomes very interesting after a point in time. What it does is to either tell you that what you like is not right. Or not a "like" anymore. Or- it just gives you strength that your body is transforming to make choices that are right. Both the outcomes are excellent. Either way- you learn a little more about you. It's no more about shortcuts or cheating your body or even feeling guilty or terrible about not doing the right thing.
Bet heck yeah! It is difficult. Stay with it. Don't let your body use your Amygdala all the time. Live beyond it. And that's a practice. That's meditation. That's life.
I had a revelation this year. Maybe I am letting the mysticism with which the world runs be, without letting my pearls of wisdom/awareness ruin it. :-) Aham Brahmasmi and all.
Point is, I think life is about choices. And luck. But mostly about recognizing toxicity. And learning to let it go. Let it be. With no judgments. We are all who we are. There are multiple reasons we all come together. Or maybe it is indeed random. Let's not find or attach too much meaning in it. No active past. Or future.
But. Pls choose walking away from any toxicity. Something that limits in the way you function. Naturally I mean. You know? The natural flow of your energy? You know when you are not being yourself- something that's very core to you? Consciousness if you may call? When constantly you feel the need to impress someone or be someone else? Recognize it. And let go.
Letting go is the most difficult thing in this universe. Ask me. I did it quite a bit in the last few months. But do it. Do it because you deserve your own space in this universe. Your resting place. Do it because you have to live your life. Not in someone else's memories or approval. Or dominance. Do it- not because it gives you relief. Do it- You have a right to your life. Pain is temporary. Everything that gives in this process is a part of your transformation. Pay that price. It is worth it. You are worth it.
I figured that it is an extremely difficult journey to choose. BUT. Make the choice. Practice that level of detachment your soul needs. And don't feel guilty about it. We all deserve it. We MUST do it.
What else? The universe will take notice and pave way. There's no stopping. Do it because it feels right. Do the right thing for yourself.
:-) It's a cafe. In Chennai. One of my fav cities (in the world!)- No no, don't roll eyes and judge my taste, I say. Me likey. A lot.
So I am wearing a black cotton sari and sitting and eating my fav salad in this cafe (Berry Burrata- is that the spelling of that cheese?). Anyway. So a guy walks up to me and says, he heard me singing along "Hit me baby one more time."
Well... What can I say? I belong to that generation. THAT generation.
So. I think he almost said I look pretty. Almost said he likes my sari. Almost said I look younger than my age.
What life. For what it's worth- Hey Stranger: You made my day.
For a 40 year old insecure woman, it means a lot. I am still smiling. Not many can say it.
I love my saris too. I wish I did not know so much about me that I don't love me that much. Ouch!
It's ironic, isn't it? When you keep asking why your name is spelled in a certain way? Well- Gaya-tHri with an H :-).. It;s the South Indian version as I keep insisting- to reiterate your identity. You do come from a family of complicated sages with anger issues. Sorry about the gene pool but I can't really help. Yours and my karma must be deeply intertwined somewhere.
Anyway- that's not what the post is about. Today- Like many other days, I miss you oodles. I know that the birds fly away in life. They don't need nests anymore- not with the same old bird at least. But this bird- the mother bird misses tucking you under my fat feathers. Gone are the days where there was mutual warmth!
Sigh- I am not complaining dearest. I have seen you unhappy in our nest. I have seen you stressed and distressed and that's never a good sign. Esp knowing I am the reason for it kills me. Esp knowing you don't choose your mother anymore to come back to home to bothers me a bit. In my own selfish way. I had expectations my chirpy chick!
I still cannot be unhappy because you wont choose me. I am sure for a young bird who is growing up, there's so many things going on around. I can understand. This is not a call to make you come home. Mamma obviously misses you but will live with this feeling than see you unhappy. That's unbearable.
Gayathri- Fly. Soar. Spread your wings and add my years to yourself. I deeply love you. Keep living life king size. What else can a mamma tell you or give you? You are anyway me.
So yea- I miss you. I don't even hope that you will come back home. As I said- that's not a wish. Wish is that you live happy. Very joyful. And the way you want.
I am embracing Yoga like nobody's business. I love it. I am breathing it. Not just the movements. But the soul.
I realized that, combat is in my blood. And I shall have it. :-)
On my way to Kalaripayattu soon. Watch out, you world.
